Sunday, December 05, 2010

Weepiness bookends my time off with Molly, as preparing to go back to work has made me more sad than I'd like.

It's not that I don't want to go back to work-- I really do need to get back to something other than diapers and rocking and shushing. It's just that I want to stay home too. I want it all. Actually, I don't even want to stay home, I just want to be at two places at once, for more of the day. I'm sad to give up my morning time with Molly, and being there to feed her whenever she is hungry. I will be gone during the most enjoyable time of her day-- by the evenings, she has usually turned into a fussy baby due to fighting off all of her naps. Smiles are easy in the morning:

From 2010.10 Molly

For a few days, I was able to really work on getting her naps, and she went to bed relatively easily those nights. But I have to give up on that now. She hates napping, she hates to go to bed. The screaming is obnoxious and we suppose she is too early to let her cry herself to sleep (that's MY job!)

We are lucky that she will be with Paul during the day, and me at night. No daycare. For one thing, we couldn't even afford it. At the same time, we are unlucky that we are going to each be on our own with her at our times, and rarely seeing each other. The timing is tight-- no more late nights at work, no more gym, no more shuttle (too damn slow) but it is going to work. And for now, at least, she'll be with one of her parents most of the time. Lucky girl! Lucky us! Even if it doesn't always feel lucky in the moment, while trying to calm her screaming. In hindsight, we'll remember it the way parents do-- too short.

From 2010.10 Molly

I still have tons of maternity leave time to take but I'm not sure how best to go about it. No matter what it will impact my work heavily, and I have a hard time accepting that. We're working on the best strategy-- time it for four months when we might think about sleep training? Take it in large chunks or short ones interspersed throughout the year? Which will be less damaging to my career? Which will be best for us as a family? Which might be used for other things, like a family vacation?

For now, I'm just focused on this week, as it clashes with Paul's schedule to make for a really hard week.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Monday I am returning to the office, and I have switched from feeling overwhelmed with the Molly-ness of everything all the time, to missing her fiercely just thinking about going to work. The past couple of days, I have gotten to spend some quality morning time just the two of us while Paul sleeps (we still basically take shifts, but they overlap now. Paul takes the evening take-four-hours-to-get-the-baby-to-bed, and I take the morning)

We have some quiet time in the morning, just Molly and me. At least until Monday.
She grows so fast. In fact! Last Tuesday, before Thanksgiving, she was up to 10 lbs, 14 oz, and this week, she was up to 11 pounds, 8 oz. She's totally blown through all of her newborn stuff and moved on to the big kid stuff. Soon she will outgrow the little "Newborn Napper" part of her Pack and Play that she has been sleeping in. Which Paul and I are sort of dreading, since we don't know how well she will transition.
Everything that has anything to do with sleep is heavy with all sorts of emotional baggage for me, and I neurotically worry about it and dread every night. It literally takes hours of fighting to get her to sleep at night (she's doing it right now as I type). Yay. So pretty much, my life will be: get up really early, fight the weather to ride to work, work all day, fight the weather and traffic to get home in time to switch off with Paul, balance baby and working from home in the evening (let's just be honest about the fact that my work always comes home with me), and then fighting the baby for several hours to get a few hours of sleep before repeating. Hooray! This is the part where I, as a parent, am required to say "It's so worth it!"

It's not good or bad, it's just the path we are on.

She really is charming when she is not screaming. Mostly in the morning. She fights naps too. But in between? Adorable! Lots of smiles. And some fantastic burps.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Oh how the time passes!
Slowly, actually, but I don't have any to myself.
Molly's latest turn of behavior is intense fussiness all damn day. She also discovered the dramatic cry, replacing the honest "lelelehhh" cry that used to build up naturally as she got frustrated, with a new wail that she pulls out immediately, pretty much at the drop of a hat. She demands to be carried and bounced at ALL TIMES. Any deviation from this results in immediate wailing. Which seems to be less honest than her old cries. She's onto something, I think. Drama queen.

Today I went to yoga class at my office, which I think is the first thing I have done just for me in the past 8 weeks. Babies are hell. Oops, parents aren't supposed to say that. I mean, ahem "They're lots of work but they're sooo worth it!" Later I will say "I don't remember my baby ever fussing!"

But, I am going back to work on Monday and I have tremendously mixed feelings about the whole thing. Ranging from "oh thank god, I miss adults" to "I have been replaced and have no use at work" to "I am really going to miss Molly." I have basically spent almost no time away from her in 8 weeks. Actually, make that 11 months. Am I going to miss out on her during the day? Am I just going to be glad to have some real adult things to do during the day where people aren't screaming at me for no reason? (Paul suggested that if anyone flips out in a meeting, I throw them over my knees and jiggle them until they shut up. Inappropriate? Maybe, but very effective!) Am I going to feel useless at work? Am I going to be completely overwhelmed at trying to juggle work during the day and Molly at night (Paul will be home at night with me for the next few weeks at least, but then I'll be on my own)

The worst thing is never having time for yourself. I used to have, like, hobbies and interests. And clean clothes. And that will only get worse with having work during the day. Molly is constant. There is never any rest. She barely naps, and when she does, she's left you with chores to do before she wakes up from her catnap for another round of hollering if you don't hold her. Fortunately, she is adorable. Sometimes even in her fussing. She definitely smiles at us now, especially just before spitting up violently on one of us. Yay. Last night she went for a record and projectile vomited all over me, like three times. I swear it was all of the milk she's eaten in the past week.

This could be related to the fact that she seems to be on poop strike lately. Now she just farts a lot, but the poop is apparently being stolen by someone else before we get to changing her diapers.

One of these days, maybe one of these months, she will be at an age where she can be by herself for a little bit. I hope. Don't tell Dr. Sears, but my biggest fantasy is of one night a week of not having a baby to take care of every minute. Maybe Dr. Sears would like to come and take care of her himself then.

Last week we went to Grandma Kay's house for Thanksgiving and Molly got to meet her cousins. Kate is several months older, but still? BABY FIGHT!
From 2010.10 Molly

Kate took this round on sheer size, but just wait, Molly is going to come back with cunning mean spirit later. Something tells me my brother's kids could never have mean spirit in a million years. But Molly? Well, just look at her pedigree.

She also got to meet grandma Kay for the first time:
From 2010.10 Molly

I know I have to be biased as a mother and think my baby is the cutest damn baby there ever was, but let's be honest... Molly has the most ridiculous widow's peak. And a mullet. She was essentially born with both, along with a very strong neck.

And now she is screaming again in the other room...

Friday, November 19, 2010

The rain is finally coming in, and it sounds delightful on the window. I love this time of year, and have started to pull my winter clothes from the box in the closet (and clear away the maternity clothes! Good riddance!) Hooray! It's Thanksgiving time and I have so much to be thankful for! Mostly? For my fantastic husband. I've been a real pain lately and he puts up with my insanity and takes such great care of me and Molly.

I finally got my riding gear out and took the SV back out on the road for my first time in a few months. Then again this morning to ride to my dentist in San Francisco (yep, my dentist is THAT good, totally worth the ride) I wasn't sure about being off the bike for so long, but you truly don't forget... it felt fantastic to be back on my bike, almost like I'm a real person a little bit, and not just a really terrible nanny/cow. (now if only I could remember where I put the DRZ registration so I could ride it too)

Oh, right, and then Molly!

She's six weeks! And according to the sleep books we've been reading, the crying is supposed to end at six weeks! So tomorrow, we expect to sleep in and, after waffles, enjoy our now completely sweet and quiet baby. Whew! Those first few weeks were tough! Good thing she won't cry anymore!

Especially since we are planning on dumping her at the grandparents' house for babysitting while we go to the opera this weekend. I'm sure she wouldn't fuss for grandma and grandpa!

She weighed in on Wednesday morning at 10 pounds, 8.6 oz. The baby sitting next to us in the group was the same weight, but she was 13 weeks old. My girl is a porker. oink oink.

In the past week, she has been practicing her spit-up technique, which is always followed by a look of satisfaction (almost even a smile?):
From 2010.10 Molly

Crying a whole bunch because her life is hell:
From 2010.10 Molly

(notice Aunt Jennifer's smirk in the background)

suffering through stupid outfits:
From 2010.10 Molly

(which she actually wore in public!)

expressing her continued distaste for baths:
From 2010.10 Molly

and swapping tall tales by the fire over a beer with her dad:
From 2010.10 Molly

Friday, November 12, 2010

Today we celebrated Molly's fifth week birthday by taking a spontaneous trip to the coast!
I had a bra-fitting appointment this morning and selfishly made Paul drive me there with baby in tow. (I should have just ridden my bike over by myself and left them alone, but I've become so spoiled and accustomed to going everywhere together) Which ended up being perfect because while I was chatting with the woman helping me, she mentioned that it was a nice day and she was telling her husband they should drive to Half Moon Bay after her last appointment.

I said. What a fantastic idea, I'll see you there!

The weather was perfect today for Molly's first trip to the coast. She slept in the Maya ring sling (thanks Gregg!) while we mosied around Half Moon Bay and ate pumpkin ice cream. Then we headed out to take Molly to the beach for the first time. She totally loved the beach! If by "loved" you mean "didn't notice" because she was sleeping in the sling...
From 2010.10 Molly

From 2010.10 Molly

From 2010.10 Molly

And because I didn't get to this earlier, here are some photos from Molly's angsty teenage bad-haircut phase she went through a few days back:
From 2010.10 Molly

From 2010.10 Molly

You can see in that picture, Molly was pandering to me with her choice of outfit. Sometimes she panders to Paul with an "I (heart) Daddy" outfit, like when she wants her dad to make waffles for me. But she'd better get her pandering in fast, because she is outgrowing all of the newborn stuff now. We've got her in big girl clothes now! Big, 0-3 month girl clothes, that is. She is mammoth.

Saturday, November 06, 2010

Yesterday, Molly hit the big FOUR! Four weeks old!
Wednesday morning I weighed her in at 9 pounds, 6.1 ounces. I suppose I should stop telling her she's a porker, because apparently, it made her bulimic. Spitting up is the new game, and last night she shattered all of her previous records with an impressive explosion at Paul's mom's house. Everyone was duly impressed with the swath of destruction and artful placement.

About a week ago, we noticed she was tracking more with her eyes and turning her head to follow things. In particular, she LOVES the bird painting Paul painted for her, and will stare at that whenever it is nearby.

Yesterday, I watched her and said she looked like she was thinking about smiling soon. This morning, she finally had a quiet wakeful periods that was not screaming and fussing, and worked on that smile. It is faintly there and Paul and I both saw it, so I'm not crazy. I think that business about "firsts" with babies is a bit silly-- first word, first smile... I think a lot of those are gradients instead of binaries (where in the baby babble do you decide she said a word and meant it, instead of just part of the chatter?), and she is definitely developing her smile. It will be adorable, of course. Maybe she'll be showing it off by the time Grandma and Grandpa Turner come to visit next week?

She's not sleeping as reliably when we take her out anymore, which is a mixed blessing. It was nice while it lasted to know we could eat out or go somewhere with little chance of a total public meltdown, but I think this wakefulness comes along with her growing awareness of social cues and interactions and this big outside world. Which I'm hoping means? Interactive baby, coming soon! She actually responded to little toys and things and appeared to have a little fun with us this morning. So yay.

She's growing so fast-- her hands are so big! And she's already starting to stretch out some of the newborn-sized clothes. And diapers. They are starting to seem a little tight to put on. But wait, didn't we JUST buy those diapers?!? So today we went to Tiny Tots and bought a stack of the next size up. They look HUGE, like we could swaddle her in them, but grow she must!

On Tuesday, we took Molly to vote! Well, they gave her a sticker anyway. Unfortunately, a bunch of other dumbasses voted too, so we did not get our way on a lot of stuff. (come ON people! think of all the tax revenue we could have brought in with legalized marijuana! And, $18 is too much for a beautiful state park system??? Voters passed a bunch of bonds in SC county but rejected all parcel taxes. Right, because you can just keep borrowing as long as no one ever has to pay more taxes.) Molly was not please with those races-- she said, and I quote "LEHLUHLEH." Which is her way of crying. Fiscal stupidity and prohibition laws make her sad.

Not much other news around here. We are struggling just to get through the days and especially the nights. We are slowly getting tasks crossed off our lists. Tonight is 529 account night. WHY SO COMPLICATED????

From 2010.10 Molly

Monday, November 01, 2010

Every Day is Halloween

Halloween came and went this year, and I never even got to have candy corn. Dammit.

Friday, Paul's mom came over with Bear, bringing dinner and lots of good quality grandma time

From 2010.10 Molly

Bear helped out:
From 2010.10 Molly

Jennifer came over Friday night later to stay up all night partying with Molly while Paul and I slept. ZZZZZZZ...

And then Saturday morning, we took advantage of Sunnyvale's biggest event of the year: Howloween Pet Parade!
This year we only saw one chicken, but! But there were goats! THREE of them!
From 2010.10.30 Sunnyvale Howloween Pet Parade

After the parade and some time at the local brewery, we geared up for our first big outing! OK, every outing gets a little bigger as we test our readiness and tolerance for bigger situations. We headed up to Alameda to see friends who have a BIG Halloween obsession and the house decorations to match. "Decorations" doesn't really do it justice. Anyway, we piled into the car and spent our evening with them and other friends on their back patio. It was delightful! We saw friends! We felt a little human! We stayed out late enough that I turned into a pumpkin. On the way back we learned that while Molly will almost always fall asleep for the car ride, she will not sleep if hungry. So we had to stop in, ummm, I don't know, let's say Union City? The East Bay is all a blur to me from (whatever is just south of) Oakland down to Milpitas.

Sunday we had trick-or-treaters, which was fun. The littlest kids were scared to come on the porch, due to our decorations. Some of them forgot they had to knock or ring the doorbell and would just stand outside yelling "Trick or Treat!!!!!" at the top of their lungs until we realized they were indeed at our house waiting for us to open the door. Two little girls sang a song on our doorstep, and a bunch of lazy-ass teenagers showed up without costumes to get candy. Next year, we are going to have two bowls of candy, clearly marked "Good costume" with the good candy and "Crappy costume" with the cheap shitty candy. I really don't think people with facial hair should be trick-or-treating, but if they are, they better damn well wear a costume. Kids these days! Get off my lawn.

I mean, hell, even my 3-week-old pulled herself together a costume!

From 2010.10 Molly

mmm.... burrito...

Monday, October 25, 2010

Molly went in for her two-week tune up today.
She's weighing in at 8 lbs, 11.8 oz, up from her birthweight of 7 lbs, 8 oz. I think we have a competitive eater on our hands here.

We spent most of the weekend hanging out at the Compound with my visiting aunt.
Auntie Jennifer came over Saturday night to stay up with Molly while Paul and I slept. Together. Pretty much all night. (OK, I still have to get up to maintain supply and demand, but Paul was out for like 12 solid hours) Jennifer seemed not to be terribly traumatized by the night, but did finally see that, no, Molly does not sleep sweetly all the time. She has a regular-ish awake and agitate period that starts around the time she senses you would like to go to bed, and lasts until like 5 or 6 in the morning. Fortunately, Jennifer is a party animal, and did not get too frustrated. I, on the other hand, am too old for this shit.

Dr. advised us to keep visitors to a minimum particularly as pertains to small children and anyone else who might be getting exposed to a lot of germs, and said she'd make everyone wash up or purell, or whatever too. I'm a total germaphobe, so this was music to my ears. Stay away if you are sick! And for the love of god, do not touch my baby. Someone at brunch picked up their toddler to lean her in over Molly's car seat while we waited for our table, and I just about smacked him. Keep your snot-farm kid to yourself! When Molly is a snot-farm in daycare, I will also keep her from newborns. It only makes sense. Besides, it's a good time to teach your kid not to touch people without asking first.

Man, can she snore with the best of them.

I still have not decide when I will return to work, but HR is pressing me for dates. How's never for you? I cannot imagine going back right now-- I don't even know when it is day or night anymore-- you certainly don't want me on the phone with customers. I suppose this will get sorted out, but I have no idea when. How about I just show back up when I feel like it?

Thursday, October 21, 2010


In case you were wondering:
Yep, she's still cute!
From 2010 Molly

Uh, wait, I mean:
From 2010 Molly

Paul is a fantastic dad, but there was never really any doubt about that-- he's always been great with kids.

And just look at his enthusiastic diaper-changing face!
From 2010 Molly

Auntie Jennifer comes over to spoil Molly with more love:
From 2010 Molly

And then Paul shows her how to nap properly (actually, she did not nap... of course, as she did that when Jennifer was here)
From 2010 Molly

We managed to steal ourselves some semi-reasonable sleep last night, and did not have any appointments or errands to run today, so we managed to have a pretty good mood in the house... so far!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Oh Boy! Laundry!

As we are closing out week two with a newborn, let me tell all of my non-parent friends out there: DON'T DO IT. Your friends with kids have been cooing to you about how it's so great? They must have forgotten the newborn part, or are secretly wishing hell on you.
OK, so I guess the third option is that this part passes and then it's all worth it. But let's be honest, newborns are terrible roommates. They are amoral psychopaths, and if you are lucky they are cute enough to make up for trampling your life and sanity. It is not a good time, for anyone, except maybe the grandparents and visitors. "Oh how cute! she's sleeping! she's so sweet! ... OK, time for us to go. (back to our nice quiet house where we may sleep as long as we like)"

Here's what's working:
  • Our laundry detergent. We switched to Charlies a few weeks ago to prep for cloth diapering. A lot of people think their cloth diapers aren't working, and what is really wrong is they are using the wrong detergent. Once w switched to Charlies and got our household laundry through a few times, we noticed that our dishtowels are actually absorbing water! Imagine that! Normal detergents leave all kinds of crap on your laundry that prevent this. Also, no dryer sheets-- those also ruin your clothes' natural absorbency.
  • Cloth diaper wipes. So if you are doing cloth diapers, you should use cloth diaper wipes. Everything all goes in the same bin, easy as pie. (unless you are doing diaper service, which, well, lucky you, then. But actually washing our own diapers has not been all that difficult) I made these out of a flannel sheet from goodwill.
  • Line drying diapers really does work to get the stains out-- if there is sun. Which is starting to fade as we get into Autumn around here, but that's OK, because the heat sucked, and I love the rain and fog.
  • In short, cloth diapering is not so bad. So there, old bag. We are doing a lot of laundry, but we are glad that number of diapers is not going in the landfill.
What doesn't work:
  • Pretty much everything else
  • "Sleep when she sleeps!" Yeah, right! Let's see, when does she sleep? When we are out running errands, and when she is being held, and when there are people over (probably mostly because they are holding her). The propaganda you'll get before having a baby will say things like "be prepared-- your baby will probably wake every 2-3 hours" which sounds fucking awesome to me! I would kill to get sleep in 2-3 hour chunks right now. Rather, she screams every time we put her down. ESPECIALLY at night. She does nap some during the day as we are doing stuff, but if we lay down to nap, it wakes her up. And at night? no fucking way. She has this really active, agitated state from like 12-6 am every night where nothing you do will calm her down. All you can do is hold her to keep her from screaming. For several hours, while your spouse gets some sleep in the other end of the house with earplugs. Then you switch, so the other can sleep while the first sleeps for a few. Swaddling seems to make her more agitated, though we are not quite giving up on it yet. I want this 2-3 hour waking baby desperately. I obsess about sleep now. My days are OK, but as the sun goes down, my emotional state gets worse and worse. Every fucking night.
  • "Make sure to eat well so you can heal and feed." Another ridiculous piece of advice. The first three days I was home I was constantly starving, but could not eat because 1. no time, and 2. I had terrible swelling and needed to get a special no-salt diet. Can you imagine that I suddenly had time to prepare special food for myself? Thankfully my mom and sister came with homemade low-salt meals for the freezer. Now the swelling is gone but I still can't put her down long enough to even toast a bagel without her getting upset. Just now I put her down for a second to zap some of my mom's soup because I'm starving. When I came back and found her sleeping, I had to choose-- skip dinner or skip sleep? It's like she knows when I will and will not be able to join her in a nap.
  • "Take it easy the first few days to recover." OMG. I was not at all prepared for how shitty the physical recovery would be. I feel like this part was glossed over in the pregnancy books and junk, because I didn't have too bad of a time sucking up the pregnancy symptoms, but after birth, I am now in constant pain. I won't share all the details here. Suffice to say, it is a lot worse than people let on. Which makes me sad because I feel like I should be enjoying her, taking walks maybe, bouncing her up and down on my lap, running around doing stuff for and with her, but I can't. I've already been to the doctor twice for complications in my recovery from a complication-free delivery. Either they didn't tell me what to expect, or it's not turning out as well as it should normally.
  • Maybe it's PPD. Here's a fun fact-- I cry every goddamn day. The baby cries, I cry. It's relentless. I don't think Paul is crying-- in fact, he is the only sanity in this house these days and I could not live without him. I almost can't bear to have other people over because I am so teary, especially at night. I even feel bad about feeling bad, which makes it a never ending loop of self-pity and self-loathing. Yay. And what's this about post-partum depression? Well, let's see? What would make me feel better-- some Prozac or therapy or whatever? Or, I don't know, maybe some sleep, a little less feeling like I couldn't help my baby feel better, and if I wasn't in physical pain every second of the day. I really think the insurance companies should consider nannies as treatment for "PPD" since probably most of these cases are easily explained without blaming hormones or chemical imbalances-- it's too obvious-- why *shouldn't* you be depressed if you are going through this? The worst is realizing that while other people are looking at your baby and seeing absolute joy, you are looking at your baby and seeing a mix of absolute joy blended with the horror of a bottomless pit of need. The exact ratio depends on your mood and how loudly/long she is crying.
In short, things are not looking good in your life when the only thing going right is *laundry.*
I keep telling myself that this will be temporary but I don't really know what that means. Will she suddenly start sleeping more and not requiring constant holding? Will we finally break down and drive to Home Depot to pick up a trabajaro to hold her whilst we nap? (yes! I am voting for this one) I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing with her now-- all the crappy baby books and shit talk about babies and reading to them and playing with them and all this shit, how you can help them sleep by having patterns and activities, but they also say something about awake and sleep times as though she had separate periods of nap vs. awake. It really seems more like screaming vs. sleeping. And this active sleepy area where she is just pissed off. I suspect these crap baby books are just written rather poorly and gloss over the newborn phase. At least that's what I'm telling myself so I can have hope that this will pass. It's that, or I just got stuck with a baby that will never sleep. Or possibly, she got stuck with shitty parents who don't know how to help her sleep like the nice babies in the books. Sorry baby, you got a shit mother. We can't all win at this game.

All told, everyone is happy and healthy. Well, Molly is anyway. I'm still working on healthy for me. On Tuesday morning before feeding, she was up to 7lbs 15 oz, so I guess she's growing like a weed, and that's a good thing. Also she eats really fast, which is good because I have shit to do. Pediatrician says everything looks fantastic. She's definitely filling out a lot from her birth-- she even has jowls, particularly when we strap her into the car seat.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Hello Sailor! Haven't seen you in about ten months! Welcome back!
From 2010

Yesterday I was falling apart from no sleep and being in pain. Paul let me sleep an inordinate number of hours while bravely taking the night shift with Molly, who is decidedly a night owl. Everyone comes to visit while she is sleeping, says how sweet she is and tells us that we should sleep while she sleeps. And then they leave and she wakes up for the evening. Gah!

I was spoiled by my heroic husband and got a humane amount of sleep last night. We went to the Dr. and to pick up a prescription, and then came back so he could sleep some.

And then! My sister came over with the best new parent gift ever: she offered to sit and do homework in the front room with Molly while Paul and I slept for a couple of hours. YES! Thank you Jennifer!!!

Then we got up an decided it was dinner time, and we took the leap into public dining. Molly slept through dinner at ValleSol like a champ, and no drama was had. Success!

Now, into another long night, as she is suddenly waking up and becoming very animated.
There is no time. But here is my week:

: Oh, hey! We have a baby girl! She is grossly normal just as promised in her NT ultrasound so many weeks ago, though we never did catch what her Apgar Score was. (We hope it will not preclude her from getting into good schools or getting hired by Google)
Grandparents and Aunt Jennifer come to visit in the hospital. Hospital food not so bad, but really wish people were not knocking on our damn door every time we try to drift off to sleep.

Saturday: Some of the nurses got all ZOMG your baby needs to eat more, spent the entire day and night increasing our stress levels and giving us lots of harried, conflicting advice, as well as threatening that she may need formula. Saturday was the day nothing we did was good enough. still getting woken up every few minutes.

Sunday: FREE! We got out of the hospital, I was a wreck, being at home felt better than I would have thought. Normally I like hospitals, but the pressure and interruptions of the past few days had exhausted me.

Monday: By now my feet have started swelling to the size of footballs and nothing will get them to go down. It's beyond a cosmetic issue at this point, as generalized edema is interfering with breastfeeding. My mom came over to help out while Paul went back to class, because I have no idea what to do with a baby. Good thing, too, because Molly had a massive explosive diaper, followed by her first bath. I don't know how we could do this without having family nearby.

Tuesday: Our first outing! Pediatrician's first appointment. We give great though to what to put in a diaper bag, and then are immediately outed as N00b parents when the nurse asks us if we have a blanket in there. Damn!
The jaundice is gone and she has already regained her birthweight. What the hell were those nurses flipping out about in the hospital??? Dr. tries really hard but can't find anything wrong with her, so she makes something up about "epstein's pearls."
After Dr., we run to the hospital to sign something for the birth certificate. Wonder if it is OK to wander back into the Maternity ward without our receipt, a little like bringing merchandise back to the store where it came from, and not having the receipt. Will they think I stole it?
Outing successful, no breakdowns. Mom comes over again when Paul goes to class. Molly acts like an angel, then spend the entire night fussing and crying. No one is getting any sleep at night.

Wednesday: We go to Target to pick up a bunch of stuff. I have "a moment" when we get out of the car, and I find myself pushing a baby stroller for probably the first time in my life. Whoa.
My mom came over while Paul went to class and did the best thing ever: sent me to nap while she watched Molly. Much needed sleep, as the previous night's hell had taken a huge toll on my energy and emotional state.

Thursday: My mom did not come over while Paul had class, and I survived.

Friday: Molly is one week old! She's terrifically advanced for her age. She has already managed to go through all of the cloth diapers within 24 hours, so we end up having to make a trip to Tiny Tots to buy some more cloth diapers. The outing is again successful (she's always so good when other people are watching) and later Paul's mom comes over to give her some much-needed Grandma love.
I am completely falling apart by this point, as she once again didn't sleep at all the night before, and I am apparently having physical "issues" with recovery. Nurse set up an appointment for me to come in Saturday morning to check it out. Not healing properly is making it difficult for me to get things done at home, and making me more morose.
Paul was a saint and did a massive amount of work, then essentially stayed up all night with Molly so I could sleep at the other end of the house. It was awesome. But I feel guilty about it.
We ran into the incredibly nice neighbor on our way to the diaper run, and chatted with her a bit about how she got through the first few weeks with her little one. Then, around 9-something, she came by with cookies she baked for us! How nice is that?!?!?

Today: So far, I have combed my hair thoroughly for the first time since I went to the hospital! It's just about time to wake up Paul so we can go to the Dr., and then? Come home and keep repeating the cycle: Feed, burp, diaper, repeat. Notice there is no sleep in there.

My mother and my sister have been bringing me food for the freezer all week, and generally helping out. (my favorite is offering to let us sleep whilst taking care of Molly) I have no idea how we would do this without the family we have nearby to help us!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Hello Molly!

It is now nearly one week late, but...

Welcome to Molly!
She arrived last Friday, October 8th, at 4:17 am.
7 pounds, 8 oz, blah blah blah

Everyone is healthy and happy, but we are not getting any sleep.

From 2010.10.08 Molly 0th birthday

From 2010.10.08 Molly 0th birthday

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Yesterday was our two year wedding anniversary.
Had I not been over occupied with other things, I might have taken Paul someplace nice, but instead we went to Monday Brunch, at this place. Where I stuffed myself on some damned tasty apricot french toast. I highly recommend this if you are eating like there's no tomorrow. (my doctor is fine with my weight, and everyone else can go get stuffed. I do not need to hear it)

Last Monday, my boss (The Best Boss On Earth) threw me a little work shower. Why is she the best boss on earth? Well, a lot of reasons, but when was the last time your boss baked you cupcakes and then made one of these:
From 2010

Seriously, I had never seen a diaper cake in real life, and it was awesome. I took it home and didn't have the heart to dismantle it until after my mom and sister had come to bask in its glory on Craft Day.

My last day at work was last Wednesday, and I am so glad to finally have some time to catch up on stuff.
Thursday, however, I returned to "campus" to take advantage of the penultimate prenatal yoga/pilates/whatever class. The instructor was impressed I actually showed up. Well, why not? But whenever she'd say "OK now turn over to the other side" or "ok now stand up" I was like "uh, hang on! any minute now, I'll be right there with you..."
It is not a pretty sight right now. I feel like a whale. But, you know, a *cute* whale. Something like this maybe. (definitely not this)

Sunday we had craft day but I got tired of my craft about half way through.

I had sort of been joking that as soon as I took off work for maternity leave, it would get insanely hot and I'd just end up going back to work for the air conditioning and frozen yogurt. The past two days have been unmanageable. I can't do anything. It's not surprising that we're getting a heat wave at the end of summer, but that doesn't mean it's welcome. None of the things I mean to be doing are getting done because I'm stuck to the couch. I wish we had a tile floor, because I'd love to just lay on a tile floor. I may not be able to get up afterward, but it would be worth it.

In wildlife news, we are no longer able to use the front door, as it's completely infested with a yellow jacket hive. (please keep this in mind if you are visiting. Or trying to sell us Jesus.) But we can look out the window at the birdfeeders and Sunday/Monday we had a praying mantis hanging out on the porch.

From 2010

Tuesday we were visited by a hawk! I have never stood so close to a hawk before (It was about 4 feet away, through the window), and let me assure you, this thing had the dumbest expression I think I've ever seen on a bird. I'm not so good with birds of prey, but we think it was an adolescent Cooper's Hawk.

From 2010

From 2010

Yep, there's still lots to do, no, I'm not bored yet, and no, there is no baby yet. You'll be the first to know. I swear.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Yesterday it occurred to me that changing the diapers of a screaming brat for a few months might actually be a welcome respite from doing front line support and being attacked by whiny adults for no goddamn reason. At least I can tell myself the screaming baby isn't just being an asshole.

There are not words for how stupid busy my days have been, and yet I cannot actually make progress on projects that matter, with the incessant piling on of stupid work. I look at the growing pile and become numb to it. The good news is, it will be over in less than a week, and all the projects shoveled to someone else along with the stupid work. I actually would have liked to work longer on the projects, but found that if I did not set a date, I just got more stupid work to pile on, and never time to do the project work. So! Wednesday is my last day! Then it's all someone else's problem. I am actually waaay more excited about this than I thought I would be when I set the date.

I can barely remember to breathe at times, and yesterday I spent my entire yoga class thinking about someone who had just laid into me for no reason. Totally not what yoga class is supposed to be for, right?

So work is not good. But it is nearly gone for a while.
At home, I have the most fantastic husband in the world to come home to. He keeps me sane, and I don't think he even knows he is doing it.

We moved the bed aside to make space for the Giant Baby Bed Thingy. Again, like the cat, how can such a tiny little critter take up so much space??? The past few nights she's been moving a whole bunch and I finally started getting what I assume to be contractions, but either they only happen at night, or I only notice them at night because I don't have time for them during the day. No, this doesn't mean anything is happening, or happening soon, it's just stuff. Could be stuff for several weeks.

We are just about squared away on "crap we need" with just a few more diapers needed. I think we'll be picking up the remainder this weekend at Tiny Tots in Campbell. Then we have to strip and wash all of them. And then? We wait...

Monday, September 13, 2010

Seriously, I could cutabitch

  • "Oh get all the sleep you can now because you won't be getting any after the baby is born." This is tragically wrong. I can't sleep. I haven't had a good night's sleep in months. Last night? I couldn't sleep for several long stretches, but I know I slept a little in between because I HAD DREAMS ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP. And then I woke up again, a million times. I have to pee, and my hips ache terribly. When I sleep n my back for a bit, I have to worry about all the crap people said about not sleeping on your back, plus the lower back pain. Then I'm getting kicked, repeatedly, for about 30 minutes (hiccups?). Then I try to roll over onto the other hip to see if it hurts less, only to find that it hurts my round ligaments. Seriously, your advice is stupid, uninformed, pointless, and makes me angry because I'D LOVE TO FUCKING SLEEP ALREADY. But it's not an option. So shuttup.
  • "Oh is that your weird pregnancy craving?" Yeah, you know what? I crave junk food. Especially sweets. You know what I craved before I was pregnant? Junk food, especially sweets. It's pretty stupid that you are trying so hard to fit my life into your tired jokes about weird things pregnant women do, that you're considering my wanting cake "one of those weird pregnancy things." I was actually kind of looking forward to more creative cravings... pickles and ice cream, or dirt, or something. But in reality, it's just the same shit I've always wanted. Plus lots of water. I'm insanely thirsty all of the time.
  • Bonus for all the asshats who said I would surely give in to craving meat. Not only was that a big "no" (never a single craving) but you get the added asshatedness of basically saying "your pregnancy will surely make you decide to do something you find morally repulsive. Just you wait and see, you silly thing." Yeah, and next time you have the flu, I'm sure I'll find you calling up your sister for a blowjob. Ick? How could I suggest something so... wrong? Exactly.
  • "You can't have that!" Said to me as I raise a glass of coffee to my lips. Really? Watch me. And if I can't drink it, I'm gonna throw it in your face.
  • (smug face) "oooohhhh, you just wait, you have no idea.../you're in for it/blah blah blah" (smug chuckle). I have no idea what you said because all I heard was "I'm so smug and you are so clueless. Hah haw haw. And also you are so foolish and I am so smug. And furthermore, look at how smug and condescending I am" These people need to consider why they are talking to me, because I'm at worst planning how quickly I can never talk to them again, or at best I am gritting my teeth while internally screaming at the top of my lungs to never hear anything they say to me again. So congratulations on being someone I hope to tune out or just avoid in general. I'm guessing these people think they are being funny or just seeming wise, but really consider whether patronizing comments and condescension is something anyone in your life is going to respond to. Even if I didn't just dismiss your every word because you're a jerk for being so rude, I guess you're hoping I'd just feel bad that my life was going to end and you thought it was a big joke? No one is thinking "wow, I am so glad that wise old owl pointed out the obvious." Besides, no one has any idea what they are in for ever. EVAR. I'm not a fucking idiot. And yes, I am going to do cloth diapers. Yes I am going to keep riding my bike after I fall off. Yes, I am going to be a vegetarian. I remember being told that I was foolishly entering those thing too. Guess who had no idea? When has being smug and patronizing ever strengthened your interactions or relationships?
  • Do I know you? Don't make me grab your crotch to prove my point.
  • Anyone blaming my reaction towards them on pregnancy. Nice, easy out for you, but, no. My temper is about the same. Sometimes I am even less temperamental lately. If I think you're an idiot, it's because I think you're an idiot. Are you a teenager who refuses to move their bag to share a bus stop bench with visibly pregnant or disabled or old or tired people (or, hell, anyone is not a fucking bag?!?!)? You're an ass! Are you a guy who can't seem to do your job despite being told a billion times in simple terms how to do it, then trying to throw me and my team under the bus? You're an ass! And you're lucky I don't have the time to make it a personal goal to get you fired. (it crossed my mind) Are you otherwise being blithely self-centered or wasting my time? I have a lot of shit to do. Get out of my way. Thanks. PS: I can lose this weight and will not be pregnant soon, but you will still be an ass. What will you blame it on then? Blaming someone's reaction to your behavior on pregnancy is right up there with saying "oh, she's disagreeing with me. Must be that time of the month." It's just a way for people to dismiss a woman's thoughts by blaming them on some hormones. Women just can't control themselves, you see, and if they don't mesh with what you want, it must be due to female troubles. Not because she has a valid point.

I've gotten so much advice about what I *should* do, or what I should feel guilty about not doing, I really could give a shit what most people have to say at this point. I had planned to work up until I popped, but I realized that the closer I got to my due date, the more work people kept piling on my plate. Giving myself a week or two off before the due date may actually mean I can catch up on some stuff. I was scheduled to do my driver test this week but I had to cancel it because it's just one more thing I haven't had time to prepare for. No shit I should do that because "what if my kid needs to go to the hospital?" I'm not a moron. I just have 4 billion things on my plate. And the stress is too much. Keep your comments about my weight or my diet to yourself-- my doctor is happy and I think he's delivered many more babies than you have. If you want to share your happy or fucked up birth story with me, I'm perfectly happy to listen, but that's pretty much all I'm going to do. I love hearing about the experiences and learnings of my loved ones, but everyone is different, and yours is just one data point. I like hearing about motorcycle wrecks too but no one should expect me to stop riding because they had a bad time of it.

Pregnancy is a stupid and unlikely thing. If there was ever an argument against "intelligent design" I think human gestation would be it. And if you survive it, you get this half-formed thing that still isn't really baked yet. Yay?
Anyway, every pregnancy is different, and you just get what you get (and probably won't like it-- if you do, you're a weirdo)
This one has been pretty easy so far, comparatively. I've been mostly able to barrel ahead with my life in general and keep on task. (outside of running, which, despite my best researched plans, I had to give up after some severe round ligament pain early on) Paul and I have managed to have a lot of fun in between (offroading! Ice caves! Ice cream!) We're not "Ready" for a baby any more than anyone ever is. Who cares? We are ready! Shark slapping time!

Among my early confessions of terrible motherhood:
I'm not banking cord blood, I'm not getting on the waitlist for the good preschools. I'm not eating all organic, I'm eating a little too much of this and not enough of that. I have allowed, neigh, invited, beer to pass my lips. I didn't give up motorcycles until I was several months pregnant, and I have every intention of going out and wrecking again. I won't be bragging about her early attainment of random development milestones, and she'll probably end up a latchkey kid at some point. I will occasionally (if not regularly) swear in front of her, and I will let her eat dirt pie. I will probably bring my work home with me, and there will be times when I just let her cry it out. I didn't think her ultrasounds were cute, and I have no intention of decorating her nursery.

I won't do the things I am supposed to do to give her everything.
I already did the most important thing I can do for her: I found her a wonderful father, and we loved her very much.
Everything else is just window dressing.

Saturday, September 11, 2010


This post is for me and not particularly of interest if you are not me.

On July 19th, we had to part ways with kitty. The night before that was one of the worst of my life. It's both a blessing and a curse that she went relatively quickly-- she only seemed unwell for maybe a week, but we were still in shock when we had to say goodbye.

It's been about two months, and I still sometimes think she's going to greet me when I come home. I still have to fight urge to meow into the hall to say hello when I open the door. Every part of the house and garden is a place where I remember her habits. She was huge in our life, always nearby, and never in the background like most cats.
"Let's take our coffee into the yard."
"OK, shall I grab the cat, or you?"

She suited Paul perfectly and I worried terribly about him when we lost her.

Everywhere in the house seems to miss her, that sunspot she used to sit in, that stairway of boxes we arranged so she could reach the window, the place she used to sleep in the hall when we were at opposite end of the house.

The way she insisted on coming into the bathroom in the morning to sit while I took a shower, and then demanded to leave while I got ready. At the last house, she'd had a habit of jumping into the bathtub after the shower was turned off.

The way she would always want to sit in between us on the couch-- a mean spirited and jealous cat!

The way she used to sit up on the counter at the old place and swat at the shadows of the birds at the feeder, getting her claws stuck in the curtain.

The way she would yell and bang on the door if Paul went into the front bathroom with her locked out.

In the winter, she would sit by the fire on the floor with us, purring, in a very cat-like state of sweet coziness.

The way she would get your attention and then get you to follow her down the hallway to a certain spot in the kitchen "Let me show you my food bowl!"

The way she'd fight me for my spot at the table-- at the old house she would literally hop into my chair if I got up. At this house, she would just stake a claim under the chair before I got there.

The way she'd sit in my lap if I sat in the reclining chair in the study. This was a cat who never sat in anyone's lap besides Paul. Something about that chair.

The way she'd occasionally get a wild hair up her ass and tear up and down the hallway yowling. This didn't happen as much in the end, presumably because she couldn't run that well with three legs.

She caught a snail once in the backyard of the house we live in now, which must have been a fine moment, since she'd not been much of a hunter for years.

The way she used to love to curl up in the closet of my sewing room on some pile of cordura, which was her favorite material.

The way she would come yelling down the hall when I came home and follow me into the bedroom while I put my stuff down so I could properly pet her up on my return. For a cat that pretended to be standoffish most of the time, she was always pretty excited to see me return. Which lasted for minutes before she went right back to hating me.

Once, we had cut out some crayon and paper antlers and stuck them to her head before walking to dinner when Paul lived in Berkeley; we came home to the adorable sight of the silhouette of a reindeer-cat waiting for us in the window.

When Paul lived in Berkeley, the three of us would spend a lot of time in the garage. She loved to explore all the shelves and stacks of junk, and sometimes get stuck there and require rescue.

The way she would spread out over the night, cramming Paul and I into maybe half of the bed while she got the rest.

The way she'd sit in the yard with us while we drank our coffee, protesting loudly when the spot she'd chosen in the sun made her too hot.

And on and on... this post is for me, and I may add to it later.

In the end, here is what happened:
After a long time of monitoring and treatment, her kidneys finally failed. Kidney failure is very common in older cats. At the same time, however, she also had a large growth, a tumor, that was blocking her colon basically, which we found out about only on her last night. Together these things were not treatable, and I'm only thankful that this turn for the worse seemed to be only the last week of her life. It was painful to see her suffer, but I think it was not terribly long.

I know some people will wonder if this has to do with the carcinoma she had last year, and do we regret drawing it out. First: no, it is not from her carcinoma, and second, no, I do not in any way regret the decision we made to amputate to stop the bone cancer. After recovery, she was basically back to her old self, and the time we got with her was good for all of us-- she was a happy cat (in her own mean-spirited, bitter old lady kind of way) and I do believe that the kidney disease and tumor in her gut were not related. Anyone facing feline carcinoma should trust their vet in that a cat can recover and be very happy for many years with only three legs. (which is still one more leg than I have!)

The cat was overly central to our daily life. I guess some people just have cats as background noise, but we pretty much considered her in every part of our day, and miss her terribly. Some people have made pretty insensitive comments about her being gone, and I'm just going to say that you don't replace a cat any more than you replace a family member. I won't offer to get you a new mom or son or spouse to replace the one that just passed, as though you ran out of toilet paper and I know where you can get some more for a good price. You may have had your ups and downs but losing a family member is not a joke. Making a decision to put a pet down, and then living through one last painful night together, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Of course, the reality of loving anyone is that some day you will have to say goodbye. But it is always too soon to say goodbye.

From 2005.04.09 Seattle

From 2005.04.09 Seattle

From 2005.04.09 Seattle

From 2006

From 2006

From 2008

From 2007

From 2008

From 2009

Thursday, September 09, 2010


So the blog is stopped up, and I know exactly why. Knowing why hasn't made it any easier to clear up.
When I have something in process that seems important, and that post isn't finished, it keeps me from posting anything else. This one has been stopped up since July.

The post I had in work turned out to be too much, and it could never be finished. So it will go up, and it will be added to going forward, and anyway, it wasn't for you to read, it was just for me to post, to keep it in a safe place. Because it needs a safe place to go. It's a memories post, and it's really just for me, and for the memories I'm adding to it.

Other than that, I've been keeping busy, too busy, and so I have a lot of catch up to do here.

Friday, August 13, 2010

back in the saddle for two?

It's kind of ironic, but here I am nearing the end of my pregnancy and I'm getting back on my bike(s) starting Monday

I thought I could take the shuttle to work but it is no longer feasible. At least, not until the interns go home.
  1. Taking my bike takes me about 10-15 minutes. Taking the shuttle takes me about an hour. During that hour, I: spend 10 minutes walking to the bus stop, spend 20 minutes standing at the bus stop because some shithead teenage intern takes up the bench, spend 5 minutes in the last seat that was even available on the bus before realizing the asshole sitting next to me is completely fucking sick and sniffling and sneezing virus everywhere, spend the remaining 20 minutes standing in the aisle trying not to fall over at every bump and turn into all the other people packed into the standing room, and then 5 minutes getting off the fucking bus cursing everyone and everything (usually under my breath, but my breath is getting louder these days-- it is only a matter of time before I completely lose my junk at these people, some of whom are my permanent coworkers)
  2. Getting home on the bus takes even longer and half the time the bus is 95+degrees.
  3. Sharing a seat with some sick fuck and/or standing in the aisle is probably about as dangerous as riding my bike.
  4. I can't get a driver's license until the middle/end of September (15th!), due to impacted DMV wait times for behind-the-wheel tests. You can blame whatever your favorite CA budget bogeyman is for this, today I'm going to blame Prop 13. Tomorrow, maybe I'll blame Gavin Newsom or something.

I realize the world isn't going to get out of my way because I'm pregnant, but I really really wish people would not get on the bus sick, whether I'm pregnant or not that makes me extremely angry. At least I know my bike has never given me a cold.

Anyone got one of those "Baby on Board" stickers for my helmet? I've only found the stupid suction cup window things so far... Oh, and I'm not sure my pants will still fit. Maternity leathers, anyone?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Music to a pregnant woman's ears: "You don't *seem* pregnant. Like, we thought you might be, but you've been acting so normal..."


Friday, July 09, 2010

Weekends are nice! Let's cancel M-F

But it's not all doom and gloom!
Actually, we've been busy and having lots of adventures. Time to catch up!

Father's Day rolled around and we went with my dad to Andy's Orchard to stuff our fat little faces with delicious cherries of all varieties, mostly right off the tree. Paul and I bought way too many cherries and suffered through eating them, and some peaches I bought, for the next three days. It was a trial, but a delicious trial.

Then Paul's sister and her husband and kiddo came out to visit. We got to see them twice in the week they were in town, and a good time was had by all. (well, by us at least) That same weekend, we visited friends in Alameda which was fantastic. We have been feeling pretty isolated out here in the South Bay, and it was nice to see folks. Plus, they had babies, and I was glad to see someone using the corner of a napping baby's playard as a beer holder. There is hope for me!

This past weekend was action packed!
Saturday, we celebrated a dear friend's birthday by going go-kart racing at Malibu Gran Prix in Redwood City. No, I did not drive a go-kart, as I have no license and wasn't sure what to expect (it probably would have been fine-- they are not bumper cars)
From 2010.07.03 Daniel Birthday at Malibu Gran Prix

There's actually a kid in the passenger seat-- you can just see his red helmet, as he sank into the car.

From 2010.07.03 Daniel Birthday at Malibu Gran Prix

Jesse aims for the "Parent of the Year" award

We did lunch at Kan Zeman in Palo Alto, followed by gelato, and we got to witness what happens when a child has a complete and utter meltdown-- over-stimulation, caffeine, and nap-grogginess can do wonderful things to a 3 (4?) year old! Truly a sight to behold.

Sunday we did the traditional 4th of July thing at the Turner Compound, where I attempted to single-handedly eat an entire watermelon. There was a severe lack of cake at this "party."
Due to budgetary constraints, many of the usual large displays had been canceled, so instead, we watched a dispersed chaos of illegal explosives sprinkle across the valley in a medley of low booms and crackles. It was kind of an improvement, in my mind. I felt like we were watching the city burn, but in reality, it was the true spirit of American Independence! Fuck You Pig! I Know My Rights! And I'll launch this mortar in my backyard if I want to...

Monday I spent some time trying to learn to drive. I didn't hit anything. Driving seems like a lot of work, though.

Tuesday, Paul and I went to Santa Cruz to hang out with my sister! I had a long-standing craving for a Space Cowboy and thin-cut fries from Saturn Cafe, and was not disappointed. We proceeded to the Boardwalk, where we threw away an hour or so playing the latest and greatest video games:
From 2010

It's the space age, people!

Tuesdays after 5, all the attractions are cheaper, so we did the Fright Walk thing, which is basically a year-round haunted house, which was a blast.
Then, the beautiful old carousel, where Paul got very frustrated trying to toss the rings into the clown's mouth.
From 2010

This is the look of someone who is about to lose their junk because the dang rings won't go in the dang clown's mouth.

And then? Mini-Golf! Everything at the Boardwalk is so cool and vintage-y and fun.
From 2010

We finished up with dinner with my sister before heading back down the hill to return to the real world. The one where I had to go to work the next morning. Sigh...

Leave me alone!

Oh! They are here!
I kept waiting for them, the pregnancy hormones... the mood swings... the crankiness.

And it is here. Till now, the most I could figure was the bottomless love I feel for my husband. Was that hormones? I don't know-- he's awfully great!

All the crankiness till now? That was just me. You probably know that if you know me.

But now, this week, my patience is GONE. For you, for my work contacts, for the asshat on the bus next to me. Gone. I hate you all and wish you would get the hell out of my way. Why isn't this shit done already? Why do I have to do simple tasks for you? Why are you so whiny? Why didn't you tell me you were working on this instead of waiting for me to put in duplicate work on it? Why can't you communicate better? Why are you yelling while I'm trying to sleep?*** Why are you here!?!?!

It's the hormones talking.
I think?

I am not fit for human consumption right now.

***Incidentally, I have not been getting sleep for the past week or two. Short fits are punctuated by loud cat yelling, getting up to pee, leg cramps, loud cat yelling, pain in both hips due to the need to sleep only on my sides, occasional cat playing with lever in catbox, and then the usual time to go to work crap. There is no sleep here.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Keep you Judgments and Hands Inside the Vehicle at All Times

About three weeks ago, I finally gave up and passed the threshold of "fuck it, I'm showing, time to move into tents."

You almost fit in your regular clothes. Some of them still fit. But you have maternity clothes, and as soon as you put one of these ridiculous things on, you immediately go from "not visibly pregnant" to "holy crap, that lady is huge"

It would be nice if there was an in-between wardrobe. But I'm too cheap to buy a new wardrobe every month anyway.

So, now I gave up and I'm just goddam pregnant.

And being pregnant means suddenly everyone has a place in my business.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are times when I ask people for advice about specific things, and I really appreciate their insights. Then there is the old bag who asked me about diapers and then smugly laughed when I said "we're going to try cloth." "HAW! Yeah, that won't last!" I guess she felt important, passing on her superior wisdom in such a condescending way, but all I could think was "I'm sorry you and yours were too lazy to care about the future and would ridicule us for making an effort, you fucking old sow."

Fortunately, I still have an inside voice. Sometimes.*

So, actually, yes, we are going to try cloth diapers. We have every intention of making that work. I know people who have made it work, and I know it can be done. Since every single diaper ever made is still in a landfill, it's important enough to me that I'm willing to deal with the extra inconvenience. Will we be 100%? Probably not, but we'll do better than that bitter old bag.

I mean, I understand people not really "getting" what you are doing, but can't they just keep their judgments to themselves?

And, look, I've gone through it before. "a motorcycle? I had one, but I crashed and they are too dangerous." or "you'll change your mind after you crash." No, they are not too dangerous-- you just don't know how to ride or wrongly assessed and mitigated risks, and no I didn't change my mind, and yeah, I know what it feels like to fall off and roll through the road while my bike spirals out away from me. And then walk away because I was riding with proper protection.

Another "fun" thing people like to pass on is this huge secret wisdom the speaker is going to let you in on:
"Oh, it's going to change your whole life. You can't possibly be prepared." or "Oh having kids is so much work."
Uh, thanks. I had no idea? I thought it would be like that time I stopped in the park to pet a puppy, and then five minutes later I walked away and forgot about it because I saw a squirrel eating a slice of pizza.

How about:
"Your life is over; you won't be able to do anything anymore."
No, I'm pretty sure that was your choice to totally give up your lifestyle and then blame your baby. Variations of this one actually make me kind of sad for the people that tell you, in essence, having a baby ruined their life. I know they don't actually mean that, well I hope they don't. But it's pretty sad. And then they are trying to be a downer to you too, which is kind of lame.

On a more positive note though, as a sanity measure, I have a few families in mind as role models of how to do things right, people who say things like "this is work but it is the best thing ever, you guys totally have to try this!" I'm looking at you, Jesse.

(also, inspired by how a child could show a preference for dark beer at such a young age?)

and then "oh cool! She can ride my son's 50; this is going to be awesome!" Thanks, Clay!

And on and on. I've literally got a running list in my head of the parents and families that are my role models

I mean, we still need advice. (for instance, I asked one friend how old was his son when he got his first dirtbike? The answer is 5. And other friends gave me lots of good info about cloth diapering. Other friends gave us some insight into how potty training was going) But if you just feel the need to drop some judgmental "wisdom" just for the sake of feeling like you burst our bubble a bit? How about you use your inside voice?

*I make no guarantees as to how long this inside voice will last. Your results may vary.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Steve is no longer invited on my picnic

I made the mistake of allowing iTunes to pull down the contacts from my gmail, which is where I manage all of my contacts' info, and Apple Address Book took it upon itself to add about 4 billion duplicates, create random contacts, and merge existing contacts. For instance, it merged my husband and his father, and created a random new contact with two email addresses: my Mother-In-Law's and my admin userename for my test domain... Um.... RANDOM! This then synced back to my phone and possibly all of my photo albums, which means they are all now ruined and will require retagging (who has time?!?!). Ironically, I did not allow Apple to pull down photos because it would force them through iPhoto, which I abandoned a few years ago due to major corruption and loss of photos. Now my photos are corrupted by Apple Address Book instead of Apple iPhoto.

Steve, you are fired.
I'm just glad I didn't chance allowing it to pull down my calendar stuff too.

probably the ickiest one is that Address Book merged my husband with his father. I'm sorry, but that's just creepy.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Lazy Weekend

Finally! A weekend with no commitments! I can't remember when we had one like this, so I was really looking forward to it.

Here's what I (we) accomplished:
  1. Cleared the junk out of the baby's room, which meant first cleaning out the closet in the Li-berry, and triaging and reorganizing the linen closet. We found that many of our old sheets were shot, so I got a bunch of sheeting to use for fabric projects.
  2. I sewed diaper wipes out of a flannel queen sheet we bought at the thrift store a few weeks back. The full set cost something like $15 and I just used one sheet, so we still have the other sheet and the pillow cases for other projects. Cost of 62 diaper wipes? ~$7. That seems to put them at about 4x price of regular disposable diaper wipes, but? no more trash, and we get to reuse them. When will they pay for themselves? I have no idea, but for now, they sure do look pretty all stacked up (and unsullied)
    From 2010

  3. Laundry! Oh boy! Lots of it. It was scorching, so line dry was very efficient.
  4. You know those annoyingly-named pillows that you decided were dumb but then everyone says that, actually, they found it really useful, so maybe you are thinking it might be a good thing? I made something very similar this morning from a pattern in this fantastic book that I unfortunately have to return to the library (thus the flurry of activity before the book's due date) Cut from a hideous old sheet (don't worry, I will be making covers for it anyway) we triaged out of our linen closet, stuffed with stuffing leftover from Christmas project=Free (compare to 30 bucks)
    From 2010

  5. Helped Paul put the baby cage crib together.
    From 2010

  6. Made a baby burrito swaddley-thingie (pattern from the same book) from flannel, fleece, and velcro I had in my stash. Ahem. Free.
    From 2010

  7. Cut up a safari jungle whatever beach towel we were given (yes, cutting up gifts! that's what happens when you give things away) We got tired of the panda staring at us in the bathroom, because, you know, pandas are totally messed up. So I cut it up and used some cordura and elastic I had on had to make 3 portable changing pads. All stuff I had in my stash=free.
    From 2010

Don't be fooled though, all of this productivity was really a ploy to avoid doing the things I really "should" be doing, like dealing with the pile of paperwork, insurance crap, etc, that sits by my bed. And the work leftover from a my Real Job (tm) that I totally meant to get caught up on this weekend. I am still doomed.