Thanksgiving

I got hung up on posting because I got stuck at Thanksgiving. Normally, I have a lot of thanks at the ready, but frankly, this past year hasn't been the kind you would be readily thankful for. Should I be thankful for the disastrous ending to my dream of going to the Isle of Man? How about thankful for one of my best friends being in the hospital with a major head injury and no good prognosis (I still think he'll do well, just slowly)? Maybe about my grandfather passing quickly and too soon. And then sprinkle in the crappy work environment I suffered for months, the bleak occupational outlook and accompanying feelings of being trapped and being a failure, the speeding tickets, the weight gain and generally feeling like ass, the horrible luck we showered onto my brother's house, the inability to move into a new place, and, gee, while I'm feeling sorry for myself, we lost the good cats!

Well, OK, you know, all said and done, this has been a shit year. So the thanks didn't come readily, but where I can find them, they are meaningful.

I'm thankful for the late night conversation I had with James when he crashed at my house. I got to tell him exactly how much he meant to me, point blank. I'm thankful that I showed him how much I admired him. I'm thankful that sitting on the couch at the SFMC alone one evening, he said to me "that's the nicest compliment anyone's ever given me." Because I don't think we'll ever have those times again. But I made myself known. James was one of those presences that changed my life for the better. I'm glad I told him that when I had the chance.

I'm thankful for the home and family that my grandfather built for me. I'm thankful for the wisdom and meaning he passed on to me, for the time we got to spend basking in his character and frighteningly broad intellect. I'm thankful for all the love, and for the love I witnessed him giving to the world at large. I'm thankful for all the too-strong hugs and the courage he's given by example. Mostly, I'm thankful for the last time Paul and I made it up there to help with the garden and enjoy my grandparents without the rest of the noise when we had the chance. There's just not always another chance when you think there will be.

I'm thankful for the courage I've been given, to tell people what the mean to me, in the time that I have with them.

I can't find too much thanks for missing out on the Isle of Man, but I did learn this, and it's got to be worth it:
Paul and I have had a lot of good times, so many it seems unreal. But good times are easy, and it's easy to love someone when times are good.
I'm thankful for the knowledge that Paul and I can withstand extreme stress. I know what it looks like when we are angry at each other. I know how Paul will care for me when I overextend myself, when I have great loss, when I feel overwhelmed, or face failure.



Overwhelmingly, this has been a shit year. Next year, I hope to be thankful for much less heavy things, but for now, these will do.

I want to cry

It's been a long time since my caller ID has shown James Cornell calling me.



my gloves are ready at Helimot.

Critters!

Awesome weekend, in the middle of all this hectic-ness.
Thursday I went and purchased Adobe Illustrator finally. I'd been putting it off... but I really need it for my work and sanity. With the student discount, it was only $100. School has paid for itself!

Then I rushed over to Laguna Honda to visit James. Which was more crowded than I would have liked. I can't take the crowds, but am glad he is getting so much love.

Friday night we went to Lanesplitter and saw Daniel, who is doing well. Yay!

Saturday we went to a wedding in the afternoon, then an after-wedding party at the Rats clubhouse in the evening. Which is a rare appearance for us. It was nice to see folks, and I drank too much crappy beer, so Sunday morning, I had a hangover.

I felt worse than I expected, and begged Paul to get me hangover treats, which he did, despite the fact that he really wanted to sleep, and really should have been cleaning up around the house in preparation for visitors. He returned with my 7Up and Salt & Vinegar chips, which made me feel human very quickly.

My sister arrived and we had a wonderful visit. After gawking at the reptiles and amphibians at the Vivarium, we had ice cream at Sketch on 4th Street, and grazed the cheese at the Pasta Shop. We went for a hike and picnic at the Albany Bulb (feral cats and a pelican), then got some shitty screwtop wine and went to Aquatic Park to subject my sister to ducks and geese (and a few cranes). Dinner at Priya (yum) and then, damn the Templebar closed as we walked back. Feh.

Monday we went up to the UC campus and fed squirrels (which were very aggressive, and climbed all over Paul), then we went up to the tower for a view, and then out to Tilden Park looking for some brush-clearing goats Paul promised. We couldn't find them, so we went to the Little Farm and pet those goats and slapped the sheep a little. Also a few cows, more ducks and geese, some showy turkeys and roosters, and boring bunnies.

A quick walk to Jewel Lake revealed tons of tiny fish, a frog, which I petted with a piece of grass, and several turtles which were parked safely out of slapping range (presumably because they knew we were coming).

All told, this was our critter tally for the weekend:
various reptiles and amphibians
feral cats
a pelican
ducks
two big white geese
a bunch of grey (Canadian?) geese
cranes
squirrels
goats
sheep
roosters and hens
more ducks and geese
cows
pigs
bunnies
sheep
frog
fish
turtles

oh, and the livestock at the Paul homestead, minus the possums, which we earnestly tried to draw out with a jar of jam, but to no avail.

I think my sister had a nice time, and she seemed in very good spirits.
I spent Monday night trying to catch up on some of the stuff I "should" have been doing all weekend: my portfolio book, my homework. feh. I have not even started studying my Mandarin. Aiya!

Times

Sometimes I just have to say to myself "Self, you are having a shitty time right now. Things are bad, you feel like ass, and you've lost all your patience. This is how things are right now, and not how they will always be."

Aside from the whole "busy" thing (two business trips in the past week, and two classes at CCSF right now), there are a lot of unhappy things. Notably, James still isn't ready to go for a ride with me to get that hot chocolate I promised him, and I still have to come to work every day at this horrid place.

I tried the straightforward channels, and now I have to get more creative about the job thing. It's going to reach a head next week, when my boss finds out that the rest of the department is quitting. Which just leaves me here. I do not want to be here, and have not wanted to be here for a long time. But I'm not as flexible as the other two (one is just going home to Indonesia and has no need for a job anyway, and the other is open to moving to LA, New York, or even Shanghai, which looks like the likely place he'll land. Were I open to moving, I wouldn't have a problem either) But I won't leave the Bay Area. But I *really* need out of this job. I won't go into why, but to say that this is a dead end job with people I really don't respect (can't respect, knowing and seeing what I do) and I need to go where I'm challenged and have room to grow. Besides, I'm so bored here. Same thing over and over? Ugh. No sign of ever having a change? Ugh.

Sadly, there are very few places for me to go in this industry. Levi's, GAP, Gymboree are three of the big ones in The City that I'm looking at (but good luck getting your resume in front of an actual person!) and two other places I'm most interested in are Mountain Hardwear (in Richmond) and The North Face (in San Leandro) These two companies would be perfect for me. Really. Remember all the stuff I did when I was in school? Remember how it always had to have functions and complicated parts? Remember how I was the only one there who could pull off such technical stuff? Well, oops, that doesn't mean anything. HR people screen out everyone who doesn't have 5 years experience doing exactly the same thing they are hiring for. Feh. I would be a perfect fit, but how to convince them? How to find someone to convince?

Outside of that, I also have some wish to get out of this industry. I always thought I should be a project manager instead. But what that actually means seems a little screwy, from reading job listings. Need to contact some people and find out what they do, how they got there, how they think I may or may not fit in and get in.

Mostly I just want to work somewhere where I'm learning and helping and growing, and not surrounded by idiots. That is a really tall order in the fashion industry in the Bay Area. I want out. Or, I want into North Face or Mountain Hardwear. Confusing? Well, OK, maybe I don't really know what I want. But I know what I don't want. I'm really clear about that.



I won't be able to be happy until I get out of this job.
Besides that? James is in San Francisco, but when I went to see him, it was way too crowded, and I hate putting up with other people's bullshit.
I want to see James, not really to see anyone else. Honestly, I've just never been very personable, so I have to be asked like ten times if something is wrong or I'm angry. No, I'm not, I just have hit the bottom of my tolerance for other people. I put up with a lot of personality bullshit when we were doing the events to raise money recently, and I had two rude emails from one of you, got yelled at and hung up on by another one, on the same fucking day. Did anyone ever apologize? No. Did I ever call you out on it? No. I powered through the task at hand. But now, I have no taste left for working with this group. It will take some time for me to come back to it, and then it will be different. I know this is important, but so is my sanity. I have other things going on in my life. I'm tired of making nice to you.

Since I was out a lot in the past week (Milwaukee and Las Vegas, both for work) I'm a little behind on my classes. But for the record, I'm taking my third semester of Conversational Mandarin (which I feel behind in, since many of the other students are already pretty fluent) and my first internet/html class. That one is an online class, hopefully one I'll have more success in than the Chinese Characters online class I dropped this summer.

I have to say this has been a challenging few months. This year is shaping up to be a big downer, on a grand scale. Not good times. But they can't always be. There are the ups, and the downs, but mostly I have it pretty damn good. I have the most wonderful man in the world waiting patiently for me to come down from my stress. Somehow he knows I have to keep pushing. It's not like I have to take classes in my "free" time. But I hate the idea of sitting still, of stopping learning. I don't want to stay where I am, at this job, getting older and staler. I have to keep expanding my education and skills. He knows this. He knows I have to keep going to meetings about James and doing fundraisers. He knows I have to do this even though the politics and personalities drive me up the wall. He pretends to listen when I come home and download all of this. Paul even understands my deep connection to my family, spending time with my dad, and mowing my grandparents' lawn in the boiling sun.

So as bad as times get, and they have been on a downswing, I still have it better than most. I still have so much, and so much to look forward to, in better times.

but if you're trying to deal with me now, you might find me less pleasant. Unless you can help me find a cool new job. Then I'll be your best friend, and bake you brownies.

WTF WEEKEND

(please spread the word!)


August 5 & 6th is WTF WEEKEND. A two day benefit for James Cornell.

SATURDAY AUGUST 5th
For the adventurous, the weekend will start out Saturday morning, with an organized ride led by the Vampires Motorcycle Club, from Santa Cruz up to San Francisco, stopping along the way to pick up people at Alice's Restaurant.

Santa Cruz: meet at Cafe Pergolesi at 10am. (418 Cedar St, Santa Cruz CA) Ride leaves at 11am.

For those starting from Alice's, meet at the parking lot across from Alice's at 1pm. Ride leaves at 2pm. (Intersection of HWY 92 and Skyline/HWY 35)

The ride will end at the San Francisco Motorcycle Club for activities, beverages and fun. Bring your sleeping bag if you want to camp out at the clubhouse Saturday night!

SFMC Clubhouse will be open at 3pm on Saturday for those who don't go on the rides. You can still participate in the events, just show up from 3pm on. Bands, BBQ and games! Bands include: The Nads, LuridBliss, and the Hut Dwellers. We’ll have BBQ for veggies and meat eaters, NEW Tshirts for sale, and of course, beer, bench racing, videos, raffles, and games!

On Sunday, August 6, there will be a San Francisco city ride that departs from the SFMC Clubhouse (18th & Folsom) at 11am. The ride will end at McLaren Park, where we’ll continue the party with more BBQ, games (bring your helmet for keg wrestling—James’ favorite!), and the raffle of the grand prizes. Map of McLaren Park: http://tinyurl.com/kqy2s

If you can't make the ride on Sunday, show up at McLaren park!

Come on out and check out the activities!

All funds raised are being used to cover James’ expenses and bring him home and back to health. For more info about James, please visit the website:
www.jamescornellfund.org

Yesterday I watched a bicyclist collide with a car in Berkeley. Maybe it was technically Oakland, but close enough.

It was the bicyclist's fault, completely. Hey, genius, don't pass a car on the left that is making a left turn.

Seriously, if you can't ride properly, just don't. Buses were made for people like you.
I felt bad for the driver just then.

But what's news for ME?
Not a lot. I'm really crazy lately, trying to get EVERYTHING done. We are getting close to the August 5th/6th event, and there's a lot of cat herding left to do. And real errands, like getting posters and flyers, and all that.

It is coming together, but people are starting to get weird. It's been a few weeks now of work, and some of the personalities are bubbling up to the surface in not so pleasant ways. Whatever.

I've been sick since thursday. I don't really know how I managed to get a cold in July when no one else I knew was sick, but I'm guessing it mostly has to do with the fact that I've been running myself ragged. There is a ton of stress in my life right now, and the only thing keeping me sane anymore is Paul. So I figure the people around me who are losing their shit ought to be pitied because they don't have Paul to make everything better. Well, I'm not sharing, so there.

Girls weekend was a bit of a wash, since I was all sicky and tired. Plus, my sister-in-law is all knocked up and can't drink. Still, nice to hang out and kill time with my family.

I finally got a new front tire on my SV. I was amazed at what a difference it makes in the handling. I mean, it just corners so much better. I forgot what it was supposed to feel like. Maybe I shouldn't be so cheap. The DRZ is still not on the street because some of the spacers I need to replace are on backorder, as is the new front tire. I decided to upgrade to distanzias, but the front is a no-go so far. Maybe I'll do a Distanzia rear and an MT21 front? That's not funny unless you're a dualsport tire geek. Nevermind, I have a headache.

This weekend: MotoGP. Saturday only, just because that's how we roll. Sunday will be nice.

Now one foot, now the other

A children's book I grew up with which I think of daily.


Thursday night, Paul did something that made me very proud to be associated with him. He is The Best(TM) and I am so proud to be seen with him. I mean, there's the obvious hottness factor, but gee, he is so nice. And he knows me, and what is important to me, and understands it in a way no one else ever could.

Times lately have been not so good, but it's all OK, because I have this man at my side.

Thursday night, SFMC again, meetings, etc.
Friday morning, I had to go down to Redwood “City” to drop off some paperwork for our speeding tickets. Po-po bitches!

Friday afternoon, I got a phone call from Tim, from the Isle of Man, just checking in to chat about James. These people are the most incredible strangers, taking care of James like he was family to them. I asked Paul the other day if he'd like to move to the Isle of Man. People there seem so amazing. Nevermind the fact that I could only understand about 50% of what Tim said. The accent is strong, but that makes it more interesting I guess.

Friday night we ate at Priya. Priya is damn tasty. Then we watched about half of a Chinese movie I rented, while hanging out with Squeeky cat, who is all busted. This is one of the downstairs cats, and it's no secret that he's my favorite. Unfortunately, he also gets injured more than any of the other cats. We found him to have a huge swollen chest thingy the other day, and Friday the vet finally had time to see him. It was huge abscess, and now he has a drainage tube and one of those big stupid Queene Anne collars, and we have to give him antibiotics. It is sad, and he's all confused and unhappy, but he was very happy to have our our company. Poor little boo!

Saturday we walked around and got some stuff organized for a raffle that evening. I worked at New Wave City Saturday night, and Steve and Skip had offered to raffle off prizes at the club, with the money from raffle ticket sales going to benefit James Cornell. They don't even know James, and we are all very thankful for their generosity.

Right now, Paul is working on my DRZ while I catch up on some tasks I have not gotten around to yet for James' fundraisers. We've done a lot of great stuff already, and more is in the works. It's pretty amazing to see the outpouring of help. I really think we can do this, if we just keep our shit together and put one foot in front of the other. James has gotten me through some pretty hairy situations, and I know we can return the same. Now one foot, now the other...

That's how the journey goes when you can't see the end. But somehow, you get there, one step at a time. We can do it, we will do it.

Math Class is Tough! Let's go Shopping!

Fourth of July was like it has been: family, food, friends, really tiny fireworks...

That's nice and all, but sort of lazy. I don't think our forefathers were this lazy in the face of a truly fucked-up tyranny. feh.

This morning on my way to work, my mind was racing with things I need to do. "I'll put that on my to-do list when I get to my computer..."

But now that I'm here, I'm drawing a blank. I already have a long list of things to do, none of which have to do with this office. I need to focus, and get through the day, to get home to do this stuff.

Which brings me to one of things floating around the top of the list, having to do with finding a new job. I am ready to move on from this one. I've been asking people at parties what they do for a living, and how they got there, and what they like about their jobs. I don't know, I'd like a change of scenery, and you never know who will tell you something that piques your interest. So, tell me stories. What do you do? What did it take to get there? What do you like about your job? Where do you see yourself career-wise, in five years? Ten years?

Outside of that, I'm pretty occupied with coordinating fundraisers for James. I'm beating a dead horse, and I'm not going to stop until James comes home and has that cup of hot chocolate with me at the place on Fillmore. These tasks are consuming, and Paul is being very patient with me.

Then I signed up for Fall classes, this time TWO. Intermediate Conversational Mandarin, and Intro to Macroeconomics. I've been really interested in economics lately, mostly because I didn't take a class like that in high school, and feel like it's something I ought to understand. But now I'm realizing what kind of math I'll need. And... it's been a while. I mean, I was good enough at math in high school, indeed I was on the "accelerated/honors" track, but that was a long time ago! Aaack! I promise you we did not do calculus in art school, though I am pretty quick with fractions as a result of my patternmaking experience. Math class is tough! Let's go shopping!

And will I regret overextending myself come class time? But I really want to learn! And one class per semester would be soooooo sloooooow.

And what about other things? Like, didn't I used to have a motorcycle? Oh, yeah, I have two, and they are both a little ratty right now. DRZ needs work, and maybe this weekend will get the shift shaft seal and wheel bearings replaced, perhaps even swap out wheels and tires so I can start riding around on the street more? The SV has a mostly bald front tire, and FedEx has shipped the replacement to the wrong place. ugh. Damn, but I miss the days when I actually could ride.

James Cornell needs help

One of my dearest friends, James Cornell, is in a coma in hospital at the Isle of Man in the Irish Channel. He and his driver crashed while racing last month. All the info is here: www.dawgpoundracing.com and www.jamescornellfund.org

In addition to being a major contributor to the Bay Area biker community (Vampires, San Francisco Motorcycle club, Helimot), James has been extensively involved in the local night club and underground scenes.

Here's the latest coverage from Friday's article in the SF Chronicle

I am asking all of you to send $20 via Paypal to jamescornellfund@yahoo.com, or send a check payable to the San Francisco Motorcycle Club, 2194 Folsom, San Francisco, CA 94110 The paypal link is on the jamescornellfund.org website above.

Ask yourself, If anyone you called friend were lying in a hospital bed 7000 miles away, would it be worth $20.00 to get him or her home?

This is one of my dearest friends, and I am in agony waiting for something to happen. We need to raise $50,000 for a medivac flight in a very short period of time.

Please help. Please share this message to those you Love.

Thanks Very Much,

Rebecca

Paul brought me flowers last night, and then I proceeded to ignore him while at the DNA Lounge last night. Not really ignore him, but I felt bad anyway.

The party at DNA last night benefitting James seemed to go well, and I got a bunch of cards to send to James. Also got to meet some of his friends who I've seen for years, but never really met.

Also, after working up some alcoholic nerve, plainly stated my case for a friendship that's been long strained, and was met well. We have so many fears, and they turn out to be mostly unfounded?

It was a good night for me, though I may have drank a little more than absolutely necessary.

Paul was kept out past his bedtime and left in the corner while I worked people over to write cards, and still manages to be perfectly sweet to me. What would I do without him?

Manic

On Friday I crashed. No, not my bike. Don't get excited.

The week before, I was weird. Every night I came home feeling like I'd just drank an entire pot of coffee. I had no patience (I know, I don't usually count patience as one of my many virtues anyway), I was angry, really angry, about things that were small, maybe even imagined. I would walk into Paul's house and monologue for 20 minutes about all the crap that was annoying me. I was frantic, moving forward, plugging ahead.

It's all necessary. Everyone deals with their stress in their way. I encountered the hand-wringing defeatist, and became the optimistic locomotive. I wouldn't suffer anyone's soft feelings of being overwhelmed.

We can do better.
We can do this, we will do this, do it now, now, NOW.
If you can't do it, I will do it.

I don't take any of that back. I will still do it.

But Friday I came home and cried for a while, then napped, then cried some more.

My way doesn't show up and cry and wonder what can be done. My way shows up with energy and strategy, and momentum that will steamroll people less quick to move. What are the steps? OK, now we are taking them.

I didn't mean to feel like a speedfreak all week, but I did. Then I crashed. And that was good.

I did a little more working on it this weekend, but mostly I read a book and relaxed. Steamrolling isn't what I want to do. I have to remind myself to be soft.

Saturday I went to a baby shower, then had lunch with some friends, which was so very nice. Seems I hardly have nice quality friend times these days.

Sunday we ran some errands, I read, we downed a bottle of champagne.

Now it's back to work, but soft now. I don't feel my heart racing the way it did last week.

We all have our own way.
But we are men of action, and I won't sit around feeling like it's impossible.

James Cornell Fundraisers

As many of you know, James Cornell (of Helimot, Vampires, and San Francisco Motorcycle club) was injured in an accident late May.

James was the monkey on a sidecar, doing a warm up lap for a practice for what many consider the "holy grail" of roadracing: the Isle of Man TT. Currently, James is still in a coma at Nobles Hospital at the Isle of Man.

more info can be found here:
http://www.jamescornellfund.org/

James will need a lot of resources to get back to his home and health. Please tell your motorcycle riding friends about this website and fundraising effort.


June 25 (Sunday) there will be two events in Santa Cruz. Char will have a garage sale, and the Vampires will be selling food and drinks at We All Ride's event.

Next Wednesday, June 28, there will be a party at the DNA lounge benefitting James.

There are other efforts in the works, please keep tuned in to the website for more info.




Dude, WTF?
A fundraiser for James Cornell

Wednesday, June 28th 8pm - 3am 21+

DNA Lounge
375 11th St. San Francisco

DJ's:
Hicksmokey
Chris Venter
Chris Cendak

PS: Time to wake up James!!!!!

people

Weekend was nice. We saw people. Friday night, dinner at Paul's mom's house. Saturday, wine tasting in Livermore with my family (minus brother and his wife). Saturday night, dinner with Charles and Sara! Yay! Sunday, saw some folks in Oakland (or is that Berkeley?) and had dinner and ice cream with Daniel.

Aaahhhhh, so relaxing, and yet somewhat fruitful.

Now I'm focused on the organization for fundraising for James.

There are very few things I am willing to completely push my network for, and this is one of them. So, anyone I know, well or tangentially, will be worked over for this thing. Be forewarned.

Roll on with Style and Grace!

I've had my Playstation setup to collect one million red roses for my Katamari for the past few days. When I come home, I flick on the TV to see how my little Kuro is doing with his rolling. It's frustrating to watch. The rubberband-on-controller setup is soooo slow, and most of the time, Kuro is stuck rolling the ball in a corner.

What does Kuro do when the katamari runs into something?
Kuro keeps rolling, moving slowly to the left, until an angle comes up where the Katamari can roll on.

Kuro looks pretty happy doing this, despite the big task ahead. One Million Red Roses!

I found myself running into walls last night. This isn't about you, and it isn't about me. It's about something much more important. I got mad skillz, yo, and the stonewalling and self-defeatist attitude is helping nothing. We CAN do this, and we can do it in a big way. So it's frustrating that this personal crap is in the way.

No matter, I will keep pushing, and the angle will be there, and I will roll on with style and grace, just like the King told me to...

Medical Advancement

Paul has offered to send his cat to Nobles Hospital to wake James up. I think this is a splendid idea, as will anyone who has met this cat.


bleaaaaahhhh!
(says the cat)

My Crappy Vacation, Part 1

All the reasons aside, we were on our way north on Saturday. “north” was our only destination, with an implied “Seattle” somewhere along the way, as my brother lives there with his wife.

North on Memorial Day weekend, with all the unhappy feelings we had, meant, of course, we got tagged in the speed trap in Redding. The officer who stopped us had a speech impediment of some kind, which made it a little funny, but mostly it was just the icing on a cake made of shit.

What-the-fuck-ever. We both have two matching speed tickets each now. I cannot afford to get stopped again, so the ride north became a painful exercise in speed control. It was inevitable. There must have been at least 25 cops between that area near Redding all the way up to the last pass into Oregon. I was, at that point, riding painfully slow. Which sucks, since I spend more time looking at my speedometer and mirror than the road in front of me. And it makes me soooooo sleeepy to go so slow. Whatever. I fucking hate CHP.

Since I had not packed with a ride in mind, I didn't have a few things I would have liked. Mainly, my electric vest, cell phone charger, and frankly I missed my ipod. But the vest was a real problem, and riding into Oregon at night up to Grants Pass, I could not feel my fingers. Grants Pass doesn't seem to be much of a town, but our room was fine, and Denny's was entertaining.

Sunday we headed west to the coast, sloooowly still, since I cannot afford to talk to a cop again. Then up the coast on Highway 1, which is pretty, and we are getting great mileage, but it is taking forever. Planned to get up to Tillamook or something, but as we came through Waldport, Paul saw that there was a Howard Johnsons on the on the tip of the spit on the other side of the bay. It was pretty, and we were bored of riding, and so we stayed. From the hotel restaurant, we could see seals playing in the bay, and a ton of birds. The views were nice, and there was a bar. Good enough.

Monday we headed north still, through Tillamook, which is very pretty country. North of Tillamook are some small towns on a lagoon-like bay, where we both caught sight of a bald eagle. I've never seen one in the wild before, so this was a real treat.

At Astoria, we turned inland, back to I-5 to make the rest of the trip to Seattle. We had finally called my brother from Waldport to tell him we were on our way to Seattle. Stopped for gas at the junction for the road to Mt. Rainier. I rode that route two years ago and loved it, but this time I didn't have it in me. This wasn't a fun ride, just an escape. I wanted to get to Seattle in good time, so we just took I-5 into Seattle, where I took a bit to get my bearings and then got us to Ben's house just as he and Megan were on their way out the door to dinner plans. Perfect timing. I just wanted to spend some time laying low in Seattle. Both of our chains were shagged, and we'd need to replace them before the ride home. It would have been a good excuse to just hang out in one of my favorite cities. Things should have looked up from here.



But Tuesday, well... We wandered around Fremont in the morning and then came back to Ben's house. He'd left us the spare key and we'd agreed we'd call to meet them up for lunch downtown. Before this happened, Paul spent some time checking over the bikes out front. I went in and out to get stuff and somehow managed to get locked out. I don’t really know how since I didn't actively lock it the last time I came out, but, old locks, I don't know... and with my cell phone inside too, I just decided it was miserable, and sat and felt sorry for myself. We did find an easy way in and called Ben to have lunch with them downtown. After which, we went to the Yamaha dealership where Paul had his chain and sprocket replaced (as he didn't have the right size socket for the FZ1) and then on to the Suzuki dealership to get my chain and sprocket, which Paul would install the next day. It all felt very nice and accomplished, despite the fact that in the afternoon, we dropped the FZ and broke off the passenger peg.

It all seemed great, until we got home to Ben's house and found the door wide open. And the door to the basement open. Both these doors are strictly supposed to be kept closed so the cats don't get out or in the basement. I was immediately sorry that I'd somehow fucked up and left these two doors open. After shutting them and calming down, it was probably about ten minutes before I noticed that the iBook was not on the kitchen counter. Had Megan been home? Shit, the Powerbook was not on the kitchen table! I called my brother, had either of them come home? No, and he'd rush home now, and could I call the police? Upstairs, the two bedrooms (one is really a den) were also opened. Not as they'd been left, again for cat reasons, we knew something was wrong there.

The upside is that the cats were both home, but the downside was that three laptops (Ben's work laptop was stolen from the guestroom underneath a pile of our dirty clothes, and I hadn't even known it was there despite sleeping in there.) The cordless phone handset had been stolen, but not the base (Why? Can anyone help explain this? It's useless without the base!) A jewelry box had been taken from the bedroom, including a sapphire ring that had some family heirloom value, but nothing much else in that box of real value, as I understand it. Megan's wedding bands, gone. And some credit cards, also taken (and used, at Krispey Kreme and gas stations, and some sort of catalog order I think?) Most bizarre, a Trader Joe's grocery bag full of trail mix and camp snacks for Ben and Megan's upcoming Yosemite trip was also deemed worth stealing. It was obvious from cabinet doors left open that the culprit had spent some time looking downstairs too.

The point of entry and exit was exactly as we had come in earlier. Was it a neighbor who saw us do it? It was so effortless, and obvious to us in the morning, perhaps someone had coincidentally come by that day and had the same thought? The point of entry isn't particularly visible from many public areas, so it would be strange luck for someone to have witnessed it... And regardless of anything, we felt horrible about it. Everyone, of course, feels horrible. Ben and Megan took this all very well, considering.

But it was miserable. I hope the best, I hope the stuff comes back, but mostly I hope the trouble ends there.


Wednesday, we had breakfast at a freakish restaurant run by a brainwashed cult (really) and came home to do chain and sprockets, then back across the Fremont Bridge to walk around Fremont eating ice cream and checking out Gasworks Park. With all the excitement, and since Ben and Megan were going to Yosemite in the morning, we decided to lay low with pizza delivery and Arrested Development videos at their house.

Thursday we had breakfast at Coastal Kitchen where I picked up some Italian language CDs and then hiked around Capitol Hill and Volunteer Park, up the Observation Tower for a nice view of the city. We went to the Bleu Bistro, which is a really great bar. We bought Paul a sweatshirt that said “high roller” along with glittery graphics of a roller skate with wings. Cool! Things were looking better. Every day, we kept thinking, OK, now the lemons are done falling, let's make the fucking lemonade and get on with it. How much worse could it get?

At some point in the evening, back at the house, I turned my phone on, which I'd left off to preserve the battery, as I hadn't brought the charger (since I didn't pack for a road trip)

The message was minimal, but there was something wrong. I called back, left messages, waited. I finally called my mother to help. We had no internet access either since the computers were all gone. She looked for me, and saw it, and was sorry. I'd given out my brother's home number so people could reach me as my phone was dying. I got an update later that night, and thought once again that we'd go home the next morning.


But Friday, I got up after dreaming about James all night, with a changed mind once again. There wasn't anything to be done at home, and the ride home would be hell anyway. Speaking with Lionel in the morning helped calm me a bit. To solve the communication cutoff feelings, we went downtown and bought a new cell phone (I'm sad to say, really, as I'd been very attached to the old one) Still no internet, but it was something. I just had to keep calling and bugging people for updates. At this, I truly felt that rock bottom was hit, but not by me. It put everything into perspective, but brought up a whole new range of guilt and grief and worry. It fucking sucks, is what I mean, and made everything else small. Also, shouldn't I have been there with him? That really stung, but what could I have done anyway?

But I'd lost my fight, for sure there would be no trip to Vancouver or the islands or Mt. Rainier; I just did not have it in me. We determined to stay until Ben and Megan returned, and I quietly decided I did not want to do anything besides low key wandering. NO MORE FUCKING ADVENTURES.

I'll still follow you anywhere

The comfort I have now is that I DID tell you how much you meant to me, before it became an “I wish I'd let him know...”

In no uncertain terms... you are one of the two or three most important friends I have, you mean the world to me, I trust you implicitly, you are one of the coolest people I know, you look great, what you're doing is amazing, I really appreciate all the things you do for me and the times we have, I would follow you anywhere...

Maybe it seemed over the top at those times, but it was all heartfelt, and now I'm glad I made it known. Maybe while you sleep you can think of these things. Maybe when you wake up you can look forward to those times again. I am clinging desperately to those tomorrows in the meantime. And I'm keeping the “that's probably one of the best compliments I could get” close to my heart too.


And everyone else, take the time to tell the important people in your life, what they mean to you and how tall they appear in your eyes, how you couldn't do it without them, how you are a better person for knowing them. So the tough times aren't filled with “I wish I'd let him know...”
These days don't seem so grey, knowing I made myself known.

the coolest person I know

I went and saw Mames last night. He showed me his ID card for the Isle of Man TT Mountain Course, which, officially, makes James the COOLEST person I know.

Isle of Man racing is expensive, give him some support!

Coincidentally, Paul and I will be at Isle of Man. I get to go see James race at arguably the most beloved motorcycle race in the world! On a tiny island with people who talk funny. woot!

I am thinking of moving this "blog" thingy. I like some of the functions of LiveJournal; namely, being able to keep some posts public, other posts just for friends to see. There are a lot of things I just can't journal about publicly. (like, uh, my job, specifically) So, any thoughts about Livejournal vs. Blogger? I'm not so much "blogging" as I am "journaling" anyway, right?
But I hate to keep moving around, and most folks aren't livejournal users, so they wouldn't have access to my friends-only postings without ANOTHER goddam thing to sign up on this stupid interweb thingy. ugh. stupid internet!

Also, I suspect the hillclimb will be cancelled this weekend, rain and all. feh.
And, no, I'm not going to the fight party. I will be getting money to listen to 80's music.

Mames

Sometimes you see people who are important to you, and they just look good. Last night, we stopped by SFMC after our Mandarin class to see James. James is one of the coolest people I know, and he looked great. It made me think I ought to drop into people’s lives more often, because it makes me happy to see my friends happy. Sadly, so many are too hard to get to, too busy, too stressed… But James looked great. Yay James! He’s talking about possibly racing sidecars at Isle of Man next year. That means James is way cooler than you or me.

This weekend we are going to do oil changes, a friend's birthday dinner, ride to Reno and back to watch the Supermoto, and go to Sears Point (I will NOT call it Infineon) to watch AFM. Maybe we'll even have time for ice cream and beer at some point.