Weekend! Craft Day!

This Saturday, we had Craft Day. I got out our hot glue gun and burned my fingers long enough to make all these barrettes for Molly:

The two with strawberry printed ribbons are made from ribbons I got from my mom. Those ribbons were used in some clothes/barrettes made for me when I was a kiddo!

I also poked at our Christmas stockings again (I'm going on three years of working on them, and not done yet!) No pictures because they aren't done. But they are *almost* done. And anyone who crafts like me knows that *almost* done is the danger zone of incomplete projects. I swear I will finish them this year!

Molly loved her new barrettes and wanted to carry them around the house, put them in and out of small bowls, etc. She also apparently wanted to lose one of the cuter ones on the way back from Murphy Street last night. Sigh,

Speaking of making things, here's Molly last week in a dress that her Aunt Mary made:

Stranger Danger!

It's official: Molly has Stranger Anxiety. Some sources say this is a 6-9 month thing, others say it develops between 3-6 months. Molly is 4 months, and she is certainly reacting to people other than her parents. "Stranger" could mean people she has spent lots of time with but not seen in a few days. Which is awkward for grandparents and such.

What does it mean? Well, it is part of the learning continuum with object permanence and separation anxiety, and understanding her separateness from us in general. These are all good things, but in the meantime, she needs a little extra time and suavity in approach.

So, if you're visiting, please don't try to swoop in and pick her up while making a bunch of exciting noises. Give her some time to adjust to you quietly on her own, and I'm sure she'll come around. Forcing the issue only makes it worse and more tiresome.

Oh boy! More work for us! It was so nice when we could just walk into the room and unceremoniously dump her into an open set of arms and lap.

She has lately developed high-maintenance habits in a delightful array of areas, such as:

• No longer happy to eat whatever, she now wants bottles. Except, she screams and resists that she doesn't want them at all. Until you trick her into eating, and then she voraciously sucks down a bottle. Unless she is distracted by noise, or stuff to look at, including a blank wall, in which case she twists and turns and fusses and is generally impossible to feed.
• I used to be able to put her down for the night without a pacifier. No more. I don't care about the pacifier, except that every time it falls out, she screams and needs someone to put it back in. This is a terrible habit, that I wish she had not been allowed to develop.
• Rolling. She is a rolling machine. Mostly back to front. Often gets stuck on her tummy. This is adorable. Besides the fact that rolling and getting stuck on her belly makes her squawk, this is of course a high-maintenance development because OMG we can't walk away from her anymore. She will end up in the fireplace.
• She can grab things now. Which is awesome, but it means there is this mysterious hand constantly stealing her binkie from her mouth, and she wonders, loudly, what the hell is going on, and who stole her binky.
  

Motor Control! Or, Holy Crap, those are MY hands!

Molly is learning how to reach up and touch and grab things right now. Also? Working on being able to roll over from laying on her back. She started rolling from belly to back last week while Grandma Ellen was here to watch her do it three times in a row, each time with a little less shock on her face when finding herself suddenly and inexplicably looking up at the ceiling.

(video link! clicky!)

From 2011 Molly

She's definitely grabbing stuff now. Rolling is still a bit of a struggle and chance.

I can only hope that when she finally realizes she can do stuff with those hands, she can jump to the next earth shattering conclusion-- she can also NOT do things with those hands. Like: NOT knock her pacifier out of her mouth all the time, and NOT hit herself in the face while she is trying to sleep.

Then, perhaps, the holy grail... being able to put the pacifier back in her own mouth so we don't have to.

She actually figured out how to pick it up and wave it around, and finally, she put it in her mouth, but it was sideways, like a cookie, not at all the way she wanted it. Sigh...

From 2011 Molly

Union Strike

Total Mollygeddon!

Molly has been an utter and complete monster the past few days. It started as a refusal to nurse-- obnoxious enough on its own, and tonight it has built into a refusal to eat at all, and screaming bloody fucking murder any time I pick her up and sit in a chair or anywhere, it seems, she might think I would try to get her to eat. She just screamed at me for over an hour straight while Paul was out. It was fantastic. I got back at her by taking her temperature, though. No fever. So, no excuse.

In between she is cute and smiley, very excited at smiles and cooing. But don't let it fool you, she is a monster.

From 2010.10 Molly

Weepiness bookends my time off with Molly, as preparing to go back to work has made me more sad than I'd like.

It's not that I don't want to go back to work-- I really do need to get back to something other than diapers and rocking and shushing. It's just that I want to stay home too. I want it all. Actually, I don't even want to stay home, I just want to be at two places at once, for more of the day. I'm sad to give up my morning time with Molly, and being there to feed her whenever she is hungry. I will be gone during the most enjoyable time of her day-- by the evenings, she has usually turned into a fussy baby due to fighting off all of her naps. Smiles are easy in the morning:

From 2010.10 Molly

For a few days, I was able to really work on getting her naps, and she went to bed relatively easily those nights. But I have to give up on that now. She hates napping, she hates to go to bed. The screaming is obnoxious and we suppose she is too early to let her cry herself to sleep (that's MY job!)

We are lucky that she will be with Paul during the day, and me at night. No daycare. For one thing, we couldn't even afford it. At the same time, we are unlucky that we are going to each be on our own with her at our times, and rarely seeing each other. The timing is tight-- no more late nights at work, no more gym, no more shuttle (too damn slow) but it is going to work. And for now, at least, she'll be with one of her parents most of the time. Lucky girl! Lucky us! Even if it doesn't always feel lucky in the moment, while trying to calm her screaming. In hindsight, we'll remember it the way parents do-- too short.

From 2010.10 Molly

I still have tons of maternity leave time to take but I'm not sure how best to go about it. No matter what it will impact my work heavily, and I have a hard time accepting that. We're working on the best strategy-- time it for four months when we might think about sleep training? Take it in large chunks or short ones interspersed throughout the year? Which will be less damaging to my career? Which will be best for us as a family? Which might be used for other things, like a family vacation?

For now, I'm just focused on this week, as it clashes with Paul's schedule to make for a really hard week.

Monday I am returning to the office, and I have switched from feeling overwhelmed with the Molly-ness of everything all the time, to missing her fiercely just thinking about going to work. The past couple of days, I have gotten to spend some quality morning time just the two of us while Paul sleeps (we still basically take shifts, but they overlap now. Paul takes the evening take-four-hours-to-get-the-baby-to-bed, and I take the morning)

We have some quiet time in the morning, just Molly and me. At least until Monday.
She grows so fast. In fact! Last Tuesday, before Thanksgiving, she was up to 10 lbs, 14 oz, and this week, she was up to 11 pounds, 8 oz. She's totally blown through all of her newborn stuff and moved on to the big kid stuff. Soon she will outgrow the little "Newborn Napper" part of her Pack and Play that she has been sleeping in. Which Paul and I are sort of dreading, since we don't know how well she will transition.
Everything that has anything to do with sleep is heavy with all sorts of emotional baggage for me, and I neurotically worry about it and dread every night. It literally takes hours of fighting to get her to sleep at night (she's doing it right now as I type). Yay. So pretty much, my life will be: get up really early, fight the weather to ride to work, work all day, fight the weather and traffic to get home in time to switch off with Paul, balance baby and working from home in the evening (let's just be honest about the fact that my work always comes home with me), and then fighting the baby for several hours to get a few hours of sleep before repeating. Hooray! This is the part where I, as a parent, am required to say "It's so worth it!"

It's not good or bad, it's just the path we are on.

She really is charming when she is not screaming. Mostly in the morning. She fights naps too. But in between? Adorable! Lots of smiles. And some fantastic burps.

Oh how the time passes!
Slowly, actually, but I don't have any to myself.
Molly's latest turn of behavior is intense fussiness all damn day. She also discovered the dramatic cry, replacing the honest "lelelehhh" cry that used to build up naturally as she got frustrated, with a new wail that she pulls out immediately, pretty much at the drop of a hat. She demands to be carried and bounced at ALL TIMES. Any deviation from this results in immediate wailing. Which seems to be less honest than her old cries. She's onto something, I think. Drama queen.

Today I went to yoga class at my office, which I think is the first thing I have done just for me in the past 8 weeks. Babies are hell. Oops, parents aren't supposed to say that. I mean, ahem "They're lots of work but they're sooo worth it!" Later I will say "I don't remember my baby ever fussing!"

But, I am going back to work on Monday and I have tremendously mixed feelings about the whole thing. Ranging from "oh thank god, I miss adults" to "I have been replaced and have no use at work" to "I am really going to miss Molly." I have basically spent almost no time away from her in 8 weeks. Actually, make that 11 months. Am I going to miss out on her during the day? Am I just going to be glad to have some real adult things to do during the day where people aren't screaming at me for no reason? (Paul suggested that if anyone flips out in a meeting, I throw them over my knees and jiggle them until they shut up. Inappropriate? Maybe, but very effective!) Am I going to feel useless at work? Am I going to be completely overwhelmed at trying to juggle work during the day and Molly at night (Paul will be home at night with me for the next few weeks at least, but then I'll be on my own)

The worst thing is never having time for yourself. I used to have, like, hobbies and interests. And clean clothes. And that will only get worse with having work during the day. Molly is constant. There is never any rest. She barely naps, and when she does, she's left you with chores to do before she wakes up from her catnap for another round of hollering if you don't hold her. Fortunately, she is adorable. Sometimes even in her fussing. She definitely smiles at us now, especially just before spitting up violently on one of us. Yay. Last night she went for a record and projectile vomited all over me, like three times. I swear it was all of the milk she's eaten in the past week.

This could be related to the fact that she seems to be on poop strike lately. Now she just farts a lot, but the poop is apparently being stolen by someone else before we get to changing her diapers.

One of these days, maybe one of these months, she will be at an age where she can be by herself for a little bit. I hope. Don't tell Dr. Sears, but my biggest fantasy is of one night a week of not having a baby to take care of every minute. Maybe Dr. Sears would like to come and take care of her himself then.

Last week we went to Grandma Kay's house for Thanksgiving and Molly got to meet her cousins. Kate is several months older, but still? BABY FIGHT!

From 2010.10 Molly

Kate took this round on sheer size, but just wait, Molly is going to come back with cunning mean spirit later. Something tells me my brother's kids could never have mean spirit in a million years. But Molly? Well, just look at her pedigree.

She also got to meet grandma Kay for the first time:

From 2010.10 Molly

I know I have to be biased as a mother and think my baby is the cutest damn baby there ever was, but let's be honest... Molly has the most ridiculous widow's peak. And a mullet. She was essentially born with both, along with a very strong neck.


And now she is screaming again in the other room...

The rain is finally coming in, and it sounds delightful on the window. I love this time of year, and have started to pull my winter clothes from the box in the closet (and clear away the maternity clothes! Good riddance!) Hooray! It's Thanksgiving time and I have so much to be thankful for! Mostly? For my fantastic husband. I've been a real pain lately and he puts up with my insanity and takes such great care of me and Molly.

I finally got my riding gear out and took the SV back out on the road for my first time in a few months. Then again this morning to ride to my dentist in San Francisco (yep, my dentist is THAT good, totally worth the ride) I wasn't sure about being off the bike for so long, but you truly don't forget... it felt fantastic to be back on my bike, almost like I'm a real person a little bit, and not just a really terrible nanny/cow. (now if only I could remember where I put the DRZ registration so I could ride it too)


Oh, right, and then Molly!

She's six weeks! And according to the sleep books we've been reading, the crying is supposed to end at six weeks! So tomorrow, we expect to sleep in and, after waffles, enjoy our now completely sweet and quiet baby. Whew! Those first few weeks were tough! Good thing she won't cry anymore!

Especially since we are planning on dumping her at the grandparents' house for babysitting while we go to the opera this weekend. I'm sure she wouldn't fuss for grandma and grandpa!

She weighed in on Wednesday morning at 10 pounds, 8.6 oz. The baby sitting next to us in the group was the same weight, but she was 13 weeks old. My girl is a porker. oink oink.

In the past week, she has been practicing her spit-up technique, which is always followed by a look of satisfaction (almost even a smile?):

From 2010.10 Molly

Crying a whole bunch because her life is hell:

From 2010.10 Molly

(notice Aunt Jennifer's smirk in the background)

suffering through stupid outfits:

From 2010.10 Molly

(which she actually wore in public!)

expressing her continued distaste for baths:

From 2010.10 Molly

and swapping tall tales by the fire over a beer with her dad:

From 2010.10 Molly

Today we celebrated Molly's fifth week birthday by taking a spontaneous trip to the coast!
I had a bra-fitting appointment this morning and selfishly made Paul drive me there with baby in tow. (I should have just ridden my bike over by myself and left them alone, but I've become so spoiled and accustomed to going everywhere together) Which ended up being perfect because while I was chatting with the woman helping me, she mentioned that it was a nice day and she was telling her husband they should drive to Half Moon Bay after her last appointment.

I said. What a fantastic idea, I'll see you there!

The weather was perfect today for Molly's first trip to the coast. She slept in the Maya ring sling (thanks Gregg!) while we mosied around Half Moon Bay and ate pumpkin ice cream. Then we headed out to take Molly to the beach for the first time. She totally loved the beach! If by "loved" you mean "didn't notice" because she was sleeping in the sling...

From 2010.10 Molly

From 2010.10 Molly

From 2010.10 Molly

And because I didn't get to this earlier, here are some photos from Molly's angsty teenage bad-haircut phase she went through a few days back:

From 2010.10 Molly

From 2010.10 Molly

You can see in that picture, Molly was pandering to me with her choice of outfit. Sometimes she panders to Paul with an "I (heart) Daddy" outfit, like when she wants her dad to make waffles for me. But she'd better get her pandering in fast, because she is outgrowing all of the newborn stuff now. We've got her in big girl clothes now! Big, 0-3 month girl clothes, that is. She is mammoth.

Yesterday, Molly hit the big FOUR! Four weeks old!
Wednesday morning I weighed her in at 9 pounds, 6.1 ounces. I suppose I should stop telling her she's a porker, because apparently, it made her bulimic. Spitting up is the new game, and last night she shattered all of her previous records with an impressive explosion at Paul's mom's house. Everyone was duly impressed with the swath of destruction and artful placement.

About a week ago, we noticed she was tracking more with her eyes and turning her head to follow things. In particular, she LOVES the bird painting Paul painted for her, and will stare at that whenever it is nearby.

Yesterday, I watched her and said she looked like she was thinking about smiling soon. This morning, she finally had a quiet wakeful periods that was not screaming and fussing, and worked on that smile. It is faintly there and Paul and I both saw it, so I'm not crazy. I think that business about "firsts" with babies is a bit silly-- first word, first smile... I think a lot of those are gradients instead of binaries (where in the baby babble do you decide she said a word and meant it, instead of just part of the chatter?), and she is definitely developing her smile. It will be adorable, of course. Maybe she'll be showing it off by the time Grandma and Grandpa Turner come to visit next week?

She's not sleeping as reliably when we take her out anymore, which is a mixed blessing. It was nice while it lasted to know we could eat out or go somewhere with little chance of a total public meltdown, but I think this wakefulness comes along with her growing awareness of social cues and interactions and this big outside world. Which I'm hoping means? Interactive baby, coming soon! She actually responded to little toys and things and appeared to have a little fun with us this morning. So yay.

She's growing so fast-- her hands are so big! And she's already starting to stretch out some of the newborn-sized clothes. And diapers. They are starting to seem a little tight to put on. But wait, didn't we JUST buy those diapers?!? So today we went to Tiny Tots and bought a stack of the next size up. They look HUGE, like we could swaddle her in them, but grow she must!

On Tuesday, we took Molly to vote! Well, they gave her a sticker anyway. Unfortunately, a bunch of other dumbasses voted too, so we did not get our way on a lot of stuff. (come ON people! think of all the tax revenue we could have brought in with legalized marijuana! And, $18 is too much for a beautiful state park system??? Voters passed a bunch of bonds in SC county but rejected all parcel taxes. Right, because you can just keep borrowing as long as no one ever has to pay more taxes.) Molly was not please with those races-- she said, and I quote "LEHLUHLEH." Which is her way of crying. Fiscal stupidity and prohibition laws make her sad.

Not much other news around here. We are struggling just to get through the days and especially the nights. We are slowly getting tasks crossed off our lists. Tonight is 529 account night. WHY SO COMPLICATED????

From 2010.10 Molly

Molly went in for her two-week tune up today.
She's weighing in at 8 lbs, 11.8 oz, up from her birthweight of 7 lbs, 8 oz. I think we have a competitive eater on our hands here.

We spent most of the weekend hanging out at the Compound with my visiting aunt.
Auntie Jennifer came over Saturday night to stay up with Molly while Paul and I slept. Together. Pretty much all night. (OK, I still have to get up to maintain supply and demand, but Paul was out for like 12 solid hours) Jennifer seemed not to be terribly traumatized by the night, but did finally see that, no, Molly does not sleep sweetly all the time. She has a regular-ish awake and agitate period that starts around the time she senses you would like to go to bed, and lasts until like 5 or 6 in the morning. Fortunately, Jennifer is a party animal, and did not get too frustrated. I, on the other hand, am too old for this shit.

Dr. advised us to keep visitors to a minimum particularly as pertains to small children and anyone else who might be getting exposed to a lot of germs, and said she'd make everyone wash up or purell, or whatever too. I'm a total germaphobe, so this was music to my ears. Stay away if you are sick! And for the love of god, do not touch my baby. Someone at brunch picked up their toddler to lean her in over Molly's car seat while we waited for our table, and I just about smacked him. Keep your snot-farm kid to yourself! When Molly is a snot-farm in daycare, I will also keep her from newborns. It only makes sense. Besides, it's a good time to teach your kid not to touch people without asking first.

Man, can she snore with the best of them.

I still have not decide when I will return to work, but HR is pressing me for dates. How's never for you? I cannot imagine going back right now-- I don't even know when it is day or night anymore-- you certainly don't want me on the phone with customers. I suppose this will get sorted out, but I have no idea when. How about I just show back up when I feel like it?

Update

In case you were wondering:
Yep, she's still cute!

From 2010 Molly

Uh, wait, I mean:

From 2010 Molly

Paul is a fantastic dad, but there was never really any doubt about that-- he's always been great with kids.

And just look at his enthusiastic diaper-changing face!

From 2010 Molly

Auntie Jennifer comes over to spoil Molly with more love:

From 2010 Molly

And then Paul shows her how to nap properly (actually, she did not nap... of course, as she did that when Jennifer was here)

From 2010 Molly

We managed to steal ourselves some semi-reasonable sleep last night, and did not have any appointments or errands to run today, so we managed to have a pretty good mood in the house... so far!

Oh Boy! Laundry!

As we are closing out week two with a newborn, let me tell all of my non-parent friends out there: DON'T DO IT. Your friends with kids have been cooing to you about how it's so great? They must have forgotten the newborn part, or are secretly wishing hell on you.
OK, so I guess the third option is that this part passes and then it's all worth it. But let's be honest, newborns are terrible roommates. They are amoral psychopaths, and if you are lucky they are cute enough to make up for trampling your life and sanity. It is not a good time, for anyone, except maybe the grandparents and visitors. "Oh how cute! she's sleeping! she's so sweet! ... OK, time for us to go. (back to our nice quiet house where we may sleep as long as we like)"

Here's what's working:

• Our laundry detergent. We switched to Charlies a few weeks ago to prep for cloth diapering. A lot of people think their cloth diapers aren't working, and what is really wrong is they are using the wrong detergent. Once w switched to Charlies and got our household laundry through a few times, we noticed that our dishtowels are actually absorbing water! Imagine that! Normal detergents leave all kinds of crap on your laundry that prevent this. Also, no dryer sheets-- those also ruin your clothes' natural absorbency.
• Cloth diaper wipes. So if you are doing cloth diapers, you should use cloth diaper wipes. Everything all goes in the same bin, easy as pie. (unless you are doing diaper service, which, well, lucky you, then. But actually washing our own diapers has not been all that difficult) I made these out of a flannel sheet from goodwill.
  
• Line drying diapers really does work to get the stains out-- if there is sun. Which is starting to fade as we get into Autumn around here, but that's OK, because the heat sucked, and I love the rain and fog.
• In short, cloth diapering is not so bad. So there, old bag. We are doing a lot of laundry, but we are glad that number of diapers is not going in the landfill.
  

What doesn't work:

• Pretty much everything else
• "Sleep when she sleeps!" Yeah, right! Let's see, when does she sleep? When we are out running errands, and when she is being held, and when there are people over (probably mostly because they are holding her). The propaganda you'll get before having a baby will say things like "be prepared-- your baby will probably wake every 2-3 hours" which sounds fucking awesome to me! I would kill to get sleep in 2-3 hour chunks right now. Rather, she screams every time we put her down. ESPECIALLY at night. She does nap some during the day as we are doing stuff, but if we lay down to nap, it wakes her up. And at night? no fucking way. She has this really active, agitated state from like 12-6 am every night where nothing you do will calm her down. All you can do is hold her to keep her from screaming. For several hours, while your spouse gets some sleep in the other end of the house with earplugs. Then you switch, so the other can sleep while the first sleeps for a few. Swaddling seems to make her more agitated, though we are not quite giving up on it yet. I want this 2-3 hour waking baby desperately. I obsess about sleep now. My days are OK, but as the sun goes down, my emotional state gets worse and worse. Every fucking night.
• "Make sure to eat well so you can heal and feed." Another ridiculous piece of advice. The first three days I was home I was constantly starving, but could not eat because 1. no time, and 2. I had terrible swelling and needed to get a special no-salt diet. Can you imagine that I suddenly had time to prepare special food for myself? Thankfully my mom and sister came with homemade low-salt meals for the freezer. Now the swelling is gone but I still can't put her down long enough to even toast a bagel without her getting upset. Just now I put her down for a second to zap some of my mom's soup because I'm starving. When I came back and found her sleeping, I had to choose-- skip dinner or skip sleep? It's like she knows when I will and will not be able to join her in a nap.
• "Take it easy the first few days to recover." OMG. I was not at all prepared for how shitty the physical recovery would be. I feel like this part was glossed over in the pregnancy books and junk, because I didn't have too bad of a time sucking up the pregnancy symptoms, but after birth, I am now in constant pain. I won't share all the details here. Suffice to say, it is a lot worse than people let on. Which makes me sad because I feel like I should be enjoying her, taking walks maybe, bouncing her up and down on my lap, running around doing stuff for and with her, but I can't. I've already been to the doctor twice for complications in my recovery from a complication-free delivery. Either they didn't tell me what to expect, or it's not turning out as well as it should normally.
  
• Maybe it's PPD. Here's a fun fact-- I cry every goddamn day. The baby cries, I cry. It's relentless. I don't think Paul is crying-- in fact, he is the only sanity in this house these days and I could not live without him. I almost can't bear to have other people over because I am so teary, especially at night. I even feel bad about feeling bad, which makes it a never ending loop of self-pity and self-loathing. Yay. And what's this about post-partum depression? Well, let's see? What would make me feel better-- some Prozac or therapy or whatever? Or, I don't know, maybe some sleep, a little less feeling like I couldn't help my baby feel better, and if I wasn't in physical pain every second of the day. I really think the insurance companies should consider nannies as treatment for "PPD" since probably most of these cases are easily explained without blaming hormones or chemical imbalances-- it's too obvious-- why *shouldn't* you be depressed if you are going through this? The worst is realizing that while other people are looking at your baby and seeing absolute joy, you are looking at your baby and seeing a mix of absolute joy blended with the horror of a bottomless pit of need. The exact ratio depends on your mood and how loudly/long she is crying.

In short, things are not looking good in your life when the only thing going right is *laundry.*
I keep telling myself that this will be temporary but I don't really know what that means. Will she suddenly start sleeping more and not requiring constant holding? Will we finally break down and drive to Home Depot to pick up a trabajaro to hold her whilst we nap? (yes! I am voting for this one) I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing with her now-- all the crappy baby books and shit talk about babies and reading to them and playing with them and all this shit, how you can help them sleep by having patterns and activities, but they also say something about awake and sleep times as though she had separate periods of nap vs. awake. It really seems more like screaming vs. sleeping. And this active sleepy area where she is just pissed off. I suspect these crap baby books are just written rather poorly and gloss over the newborn phase. At least that's what I'm telling myself so I can have hope that this will pass. It's that, or I just got stuck with a baby that will never sleep. Or possibly, she got stuck with shitty parents who don't know how to help her sleep like the nice babies in the books. Sorry baby, you got a shit mother. We can't all win at this game.

All told, everyone is happy and healthy. Well, Molly is anyway. I'm still working on healthy for me. On Tuesday morning before feeding, she was up to 7lbs 15 oz, so I guess she's growing like a weed, and that's a good thing. Also she eats really fast, which is good because I have shit to do. Pediatrician says everything looks fantastic. She's definitely filling out a lot from her birth-- she even has jowls, particularly when we strap her into the car seat.

Hello Sailor! Haven't seen you in about ten months! Welcome back!

From 2010

Yesterday I was falling apart from no sleep and being in pain. Paul let me sleep an inordinate number of hours while bravely taking the night shift with Molly, who is decidedly a night owl. Everyone comes to visit while she is sleeping, says how sweet she is and tells us that we should sleep while she sleeps. And then they leave and she wakes up for the evening. Gah!

I was spoiled by my heroic husband and got a humane amount of sleep last night. We went to the Dr. and to pick up a prescription, and then came back so he could sleep some.

And then! My sister came over with the best new parent gift ever: she offered to sit and do homework in the front room with Molly while Paul and I slept for a couple of hours. YES! Thank you Jennifer!!!

Then we got up an decided it was dinner time, and we took the leap into public dining. Molly slept through dinner at ValleSol like a champ, and no drama was had. Success!

Now, into another long night, as she is suddenly waking up and becoming very animated.

There is no time. But here is my week:

Friday: Oh, hey! We have a baby girl! She is grossly normal just as promised in her NT ultrasound so many weeks ago, though we never did catch what her Apgar Score was. (We hope it will not preclude her from getting into good schools or getting hired by Google)
Grandparents and Aunt Jennifer come to visit in the hospital. Hospital food not so bad, but really wish people were not knocking on our damn door every time we try to drift off to sleep.

Saturday: Some of the nurses got all ZOMG your baby needs to eat more, spent the entire day and night increasing our stress levels and giving us lots of harried, conflicting advice, as well as threatening that she may need formula. Saturday was the day nothing we did was good enough. still getting woken up every few minutes.

Sunday: FREE! We got out of the hospital, I was a wreck, being at home felt better than I would have thought. Normally I like hospitals, but the pressure and interruptions of the past few days had exhausted me.

Monday: By now my feet have started swelling to the size of footballs and nothing will get them to go down. It's beyond a cosmetic issue at this point, as generalized edema is interfering with breastfeeding. My mom came over to help out while Paul went back to class, because I have no idea what to do with a baby. Good thing, too, because Molly had a massive explosive diaper, followed by her first bath. I don't know how we could do this without having family nearby.

Tuesday: Our first outing! Pediatrician's first appointment. We give great though to what to put in a diaper bag, and then are immediately outed as N00b parents when the nurse asks us if we have a blanket in there. Damn!
The jaundice is gone and she has already regained her birthweight. What the hell were those nurses flipping out about in the hospital??? Dr. tries really hard but can't find anything wrong with her, so she makes something up about "epstein's pearls."
After Dr., we run to the hospital to sign something for the birth certificate. Wonder if it is OK to wander back into the Maternity ward without our receipt, a little like bringing merchandise back to the store where it came from, and not having the receipt. Will they think I stole it?
Outing successful, no breakdowns. Mom comes over again when Paul goes to class. Molly acts like an angel, then spend the entire night fussing and crying. No one is getting any sleep at night.

Wednesday: We go to Target to pick up a bunch of stuff. I have "a moment" when we get out of the car, and I find myself pushing a baby stroller for probably the first time in my life. Whoa.
My mom came over while Paul went to class and did the best thing ever: sent me to nap while she watched Molly. Much needed sleep, as the previous night's hell had taken a huge toll on my energy and emotional state.

Thursday: My mom did not come over while Paul had class, and I survived.

Friday: Molly is one week old! She's terrifically advanced for her age. She has already managed to go through all of the cloth diapers within 24 hours, so we end up having to make a trip to Tiny Tots to buy some more cloth diapers. The outing is again successful (she's always so good when other people are watching) and later Paul's mom comes over to give her some much-needed Grandma love.
I am completely falling apart by this point, as she once again didn't sleep at all the night before, and I am apparently having physical "issues" with recovery. Nurse set up an appointment for me to come in Saturday morning to check it out. Not healing properly is making it difficult for me to get things done at home, and making me more morose.
Paul was a saint and did a massive amount of work, then essentially stayed up all night with Molly so I could sleep at the other end of the house. It was awesome. But I feel guilty about it.
We ran into the incredibly nice neighbor on our way to the diaper run, and chatted with her a bit about how she got through the first few weeks with her little one. Then, around 9-something, she came by with cookies she baked for us! How nice is that?!?!?

Today: So far, I have combed my hair thoroughly for the first time since I went to the hospital! It's just about time to wake up Paul so we can go to the Dr., and then? Come home and keep repeating the cycle: Feed, burp, diaper, repeat. Notice there is no sleep in there.


My mother and my sister have been bringing me food for the freezer all week, and generally helping out. (my favorite is offering to let us sleep whilst taking care of Molly) I have no idea how we would do this without the family we have nearby to help us!

Hello Molly!

It is now nearly one week late, but...

Welcome to Molly!
She arrived last Friday, October 8th, at 4:17 am.
7 pounds, 8 oz, blah blah blah

Everyone is healthy and happy, but we are not getting any sleep.

From 2010.10.08 Molly 0th birthday

From 2010.10.08 Molly 0th birthday

Leave me alone!

Oh! They are here!
I kept waiting for them, the pregnancy hormones... the mood swings... the crankiness.

And it is here. Till now, the most I could figure was the bottomless love I feel for my husband. Was that hormones? I don't know-- he's awfully great!


All the crankiness till now? That was just me. You probably know that if you know me.

But now, this week, my patience is GONE. For you, for my work contacts, for the asshat on the bus next to me. Gone. I hate you all and wish you would get the hell out of my way. Why isn't this shit done already? Why do I have to do simple tasks for you? Why are you so whiny? Why didn't you tell me you were working on this instead of waiting for me to put in duplicate work on it? Why can't you communicate better? Why are you yelling while I'm trying to sleep?*** Why are you here!?!?!

It's the hormones talking.
I think?

I am not fit for human consumption right now.




***Incidentally, I have not been getting sleep for the past week or two. Short fits are punctuated by loud cat yelling, getting up to pee, leg cramps, loud cat yelling, pain in both hips due to the need to sleep only on my sides, occasional cat playing with lever in catbox, and then the usual time to go to work crap. There is no sleep here.

Keep you Judgments and Hands Inside the Vehicle at All Times

About three weeks ago, I finally gave up and passed the threshold of "fuck it, I'm showing, time to move into tents."

You almost fit in your regular clothes. Some of them still fit. But you have maternity clothes, and as soon as you put one of these ridiculous things on, you immediately go from "not visibly pregnant" to "holy crap, that lady is huge"

It would be nice if there was an in-between wardrobe. But I'm too cheap to buy a new wardrobe every month anyway.

So, now I gave up and I'm just goddam pregnant.

And being pregnant means suddenly everyone has a place in my business.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are times when I ask people for advice about specific things, and I really appreciate their insights. Then there is the old bag who asked me about diapers and then smugly laughed when I said "we're going to try cloth." "HAW! Yeah, that won't last!" I guess she felt important, passing on her superior wisdom in such a condescending way, but all I could think was "I'm sorry you and yours were too lazy to care about the future and would ridicule us for making an effort, you fucking old sow."

Fortunately, I still have an inside voice. Sometimes.*

So, actually, yes, we are going to try cloth diapers. We have every intention of making that work. I know people who have made it work, and I know it can be done. Since every single diaper ever made is still in a landfill, it's important enough to me that I'm willing to deal with the extra inconvenience. Will we be 100%? Probably not, but we'll do better than that bitter old bag.

I mean, I understand people not really "getting" what you are doing, but can't they just keep their judgments to themselves?

And, look, I've gone through it before. "a motorcycle? I had one, but I crashed and they are too dangerous." or "you'll change your mind after you crash." No, they are not too dangerous-- you just don't know how to ride or wrongly assessed and mitigated risks, and no I didn't change my mind, and yeah, I know what it feels like to fall off and roll through the road while my bike spirals out away from me. And then walk away because I was riding with proper protection.



Another "fun" thing people like to pass on is this huge secret wisdom the speaker is going to let you in on:
"Oh, it's going to change your whole life. You can't possibly be prepared." or "Oh having kids is so much work."
Uh, thanks. I had no idea? I thought it would be like that time I stopped in the park to pet a puppy, and then five minutes later I walked away and forgot about it because I saw a squirrel eating a slice of pizza.

How about:
"Your life is over; you won't be able to do anything anymore."
No, I'm pretty sure that was your choice to totally give up your lifestyle and then blame your baby. Variations of this one actually make me kind of sad for the people that tell you, in essence, having a baby ruined their life. I know they don't actually mean that, well I hope they don't. But it's pretty sad. And then they are trying to be a downer to you too, which is kind of lame.

On a more positive note though, as a sanity measure, I have a few families in mind as role models of how to do things right, people who say things like "this is work but it is the best thing ever, you guys totally have to try this!" I'm looking at you, Jesse.

(also, inspired by how a child could show a preference for dark beer at such a young age?)

and then "oh cool! She can ride my son's 50; this is going to be awesome!" Thanks, Clay!

And on and on. I've literally got a running list in my head of the parents and families that are my role models

I mean, we still need advice. (for instance, I asked one friend how old was his son when he got his first dirtbike? The answer is 5. And other friends gave me lots of good info about cloth diapering. Other friends gave us some insight into how potty training was going) But if you just feel the need to drop some judgmental "wisdom" just for the sake of feeling like you burst our bubble a bit? How about you use your inside voice?





*I make no guarantees as to how long this inside voice will last. Your results may vary.

Lazy Weekend

Finally! A weekend with no commitments! I can't remember when we had one like this, so I was really looking forward to it.

Here's what I (we) accomplished:

1. Cleared the junk out of the baby's room, which meant first cleaning out the closet in the Li-berry, and triaging and reorganizing the linen closet. We found that many of our old sheets were shot, so I got a bunch of sheeting to use for fabric projects.
2. I sewed diaper wipes out of a flannel queen sheet we bought at the thrift store a few weeks back. The full set cost something like $15 and I just used one sheet, so we still have the other sheet and the pillow cases for other projects. Cost of 62 diaper wipes? ~$7. That seems to put them at about 4x price of regular disposable diaper wipes, but? no more trash, and we get to reuse them. When will they pay for themselves? I have no idea, but for now, they sure do look pretty all stacked up (and unsullied)

   From 2010

   
   
3. Laundry! Oh boy! Lots of it. It was scorching, so line dry was very efficient.
4. You know those annoyingly-named pillows that you decided were dumb but then everyone says that, actually, they found it really useful, so maybe you are thinking it might be a good thing? I made something very similar this morning from a pattern in this fantastic book that I unfortunately have to return to the library (thus the flurry of activity before the book's due date) Cut from a hideous old sheet (don't worry, I will be making covers for it anyway) we triaged out of our linen closet, stuffed with stuffing leftover from Christmas project=Free (compare to 30 bucks)

   From 2010

   
   
5. Helped Paul put the baby cage crib together.

   From 2010

   
   
6. Made a baby burrito swaddley-thingie (pattern from the same book) from flannel, fleece, and velcro I had in my stash. Ahem. Free.

   From 2010

   
   
7. Cut up a safari jungle whatever beach towel we were given (yes, cutting up gifts! that's what happens when you give things away) We got tired of the panda staring at us in the bathroom, because, you know, pandas are totally messed up. So I cut it up and used some cordura and elastic I had on had to make 3 portable changing pads. All stuff I had in my stash=free.

   From 2010

   
   

Don't be fooled though, all of this productivity was really a ploy to avoid doing the things I really "should" be doing, like dealing with the pile of paperwork, insurance crap, etc, that sits by my bed. And the work leftover from a my Real Job (tm) that I totally meant to get caught up on this weekend. I am still doomed.

FAQ

Q: How long have you known you were pregnant?
A: As soon as humanly, scientifically possible. (roughly two weeks after conception, which would be late January) I am utterly befuddled by people who claim to have gone months without knowing. I have a calendar; I am intimately in tune with my body's cycles. I can't see missing those signs for several months at a time.

Q: Oh, so I guess you've finally stopped riding your motorcycle.
A: That's not a question. And, no.

Q: Are you going to find out whether it's a boy or a girl?
A: Yes, we will be doing penis-counting later this week. I'm all about transparency, so why not have all the info?

Q: So, do you want a boy or a girl?
A: I really can't control that, so I will not state a preference. I tend not to state desires for things I cannot control. Ever. I think it's a power thing. At any rate, it's all Paul's fault, and whatever chromosome he put in, he's not telling. So we'll find out the old-fashioned way: ultrasound!

Q: Have you thought about names yet?
A: Yes, but we're not telling. I'll tell you things we're NOT using, but if/when we decide, it will only be announced after we've burdened this as-yet-unknown little person with our poor choice. So no one can feel like their opinion is needed. It's hard enough to choose without every random person's opinion. Take comfort in knowing that whatever we choose will be turned into a playground epithet regardless.

Q: So are you going to stay at home after you've had the baby?
A: Yes, for probably several days. Then? Um, hello? I love my job! Plus we can't both be at home. No one ever asks my husband this. WTF? Someone actually told him that he couldn't take care of the baby because he didn't know how. For the record, Paul is exactly 5.4 billion times better with kids than I am.

Q: How are you feeling?
A: I feel fine, thank you for asking.

Q: Did you get sick?
A: Not really, I just felt queasy and icky for a few months, but I never threw up. I lost my appetite for normal foods but never got tired of dessert. Go figure. (PS: SEND MORE DESSERT.)

Q: But I thought you said you were never going to have kids!
A: I never said that. I may have misdirected you, but I didn't lie. I think it went something like this "Are you going to have kids?" "I'm going to have puppies!" Actually, come to think of it, maybe it was a lie, because so far I don't have a puppy either. Dammit.

Q: But I just can't see you having kids.
A: I KNOW! Isn't it crazy? What a plot twist! What will they think of next?!

Q: I think you'll be a great mom.
A: That is so sweet, even though I can hear your teeth gritting. I have my doubts, but I assume we all do. Actually, I hate people who are just perfect at something the first time they try. I expect messes and mistakes. And cupcakes. And maybe later, therapy.




UQ (Unasked question): May I touch your belly?
A: OH HELL NO. And you really should have asked first, because I am vacillating between totally creeped out and blind violent rage right now that you touched me. Ask yourself first:

1. Do I know this person well enough that I normally find it ok to touch her belly with no permission?
   
2. Hey I heard womens' boobs grow during pregnancy too. Maybe I should grab those too?

OK, so seriously, no, unless you are close enough to me that you could normally get away with putting your hand on my belly. That would be my husband, and maybe my family.
If I have a kicking baby and say "hey wanna feel?" then yes, but otherwise, NO.
Remember, if I accidentally slap you, I can always just blame the hormones. What's your excuse?


Q: Can we talk about something other than your pregnancy?
A: YES! PLEASE! Truth be told, this has very little to do with me. It's not like I ordered parts yesterday, or like you should applaud me for negotiating a truly great deal on baby toes last week, or working out a successful project plan artfully balancing the triple constraints of time, money, and other people's bullshit. Getting knocked up wasn't a huge accomplishment (I can tell you how, if you're curious), and at this point, it's just sort of happening. I'm not going to be massaging this on my resume to say something like "Drove cardiovascular system building to completion on time and under budget while growing fetus 180% in three weeks" or whatever. I'm told this thing has, like, a nose, and lungs, and stuff, and I don't remember working on that part.
You know, let's talk about successes at work (I didn't cry at my desk once on Friday, despite being abandoned by my boss), or falling off of our dirtbikes, or that quilt I'm supposed to be working on, shall we? Or how great it will be when I can finally have beer again.