This semester's failure is official: I've dropped my Mandarin class.
:(
I have too many things on my plate. Mandarin was more important, but the opther class is online, and a lot easier for me to fit into my schedule. Feh.
Bu hao! Bu hao!
Wo yao ren shuo putong hua. Wo bu yao wan Zhongguo. You meiyou ren?
Not that I have time for that either.
Showing posts with label Mandarin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mandarin. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Friday, September 01, 2006
Times
Sometimes I just have to say to myself "Self, you are having a shitty time right now. Things are bad, you feel like ass, and you've lost all your patience. This is how things are right now, and not how they will always be."
Aside from the whole "busy" thing (two business trips in the past week, and two classes at CCSF right now), there are a lot of unhappy things. Notably, James still isn't ready to go for a ride with me to get that hot chocolate I promised him, and I still have to come to work every day at this horrid place.
I tried the straightforward channels, and now I have to get more creative about the job thing. It's going to reach a head next week, when my boss finds out that the rest of the department is quitting. Which just leaves me here. I do not want to be here, and have not wanted to be here for a long time. But I'm not as flexible as the other two (one is just going home to Indonesia and has no need for a job anyway, and the other is open to moving to LA, New York, or even Shanghai, which looks like the likely place he'll land. Were I open to moving, I wouldn't have a problem either) But I won't leave the Bay Area. But I *really* need out of this job. I won't go into why, but to say that this is a dead end job with people I really don't respect (can't respect, knowing and seeing what I do) and I need to go where I'm challenged and have room to grow. Besides, I'm so bored here. Same thing over and over? Ugh. No sign of ever having a change? Ugh.
Sadly, there are very few places for me to go in this industry. Levi's, GAP, Gymboree are three of the big ones in The City that I'm looking at (but good luck getting your resume in front of an actual person!) and two other places I'm most interested in are Mountain Hardwear (in Richmond) and The North Face (in San Leandro) These two companies would be perfect for me. Really. Remember all the stuff I did when I was in school? Remember how it always had to have functions and complicated parts? Remember how I was the only one there who could pull off such technical stuff? Well, oops, that doesn't mean anything. HR people screen out everyone who doesn't have 5 years experience doing exactly the same thing they are hiring for. Feh. I would be a perfect fit, but how to convince them? How to find someone to convince?
Outside of that, I also have some wish to get out of this industry. I always thought I should be a project manager instead. But what that actually means seems a little screwy, from reading job listings. Need to contact some people and find out what they do, how they got there, how they think I may or may not fit in and get in.
Mostly I just want to work somewhere where I'm learning and helping and growing, and not surrounded by idiots. That is a really tall order in the fashion industry in the Bay Area. I want out. Or, I want into North Face or Mountain Hardwear. Confusing? Well, OK, maybe I don't really know what I want. But I know what I don't want. I'm really clear about that.
I won't be able to be happy until I get out of this job.
Besides that? James is in San Francisco, but when I went to see him, it was way too crowded, and I hate putting up with other people's bullshit.
I want to see James, not really to see anyone else. Honestly, I've just never been very personable, so I have to be asked like ten times if something is wrong or I'm angry. No, I'm not, I just have hit the bottom of my tolerance for other people. I put up with a lot of personality bullshit when we were doing the events to raise money recently, and I had two rude emails from one of you, got yelled at and hung up on by another one, on the same fucking day. Did anyone ever apologize? No. Did I ever call you out on it? No. I powered through the task at hand. But now, I have no taste left for working with this group. It will take some time for me to come back to it, and then it will be different. I know this is important, but so is my sanity. I have other things going on in my life. I'm tired of making nice to you.
Since I was out a lot in the past week (Milwaukee and Las Vegas, both for work) I'm a little behind on my classes. But for the record, I'm taking my third semester of Conversational Mandarin (which I feel behind in, since many of the other students are already pretty fluent) and my first internet/html class. That one is an online class, hopefully one I'll have more success in than the Chinese Characters online class I dropped this summer.
I have to say this has been a challenging few months. This year is shaping up to be a big downer, on a grand scale. Not good times. But they can't always be. There are the ups, and the downs, but mostly I have it pretty damn good. I have the most wonderful man in the world waiting patiently for me to come down from my stress. Somehow he knows I have to keep pushing. It's not like I have to take classes in my "free" time. But I hate the idea of sitting still, of stopping learning. I don't want to stay where I am, at this job, getting older and staler. I have to keep expanding my education and skills. He knows this. He knows I have to keep going to meetings about James and doing fundraisers. He knows I have to do this even though the politics and personalities drive me up the wall. He pretends to listen when I come home and download all of this. Paul even understands my deep connection to my family, spending time with my dad, and mowing my grandparents' lawn in the boiling sun.
So as bad as times get, and they have been on a downswing, I still have it better than most. I still have so much, and so much to look forward to, in better times.
but if you're trying to deal with me now, you might find me less pleasant. Unless you can help me find a cool new job. Then I'll be your best friend, and bake you brownies.
Aside from the whole "busy" thing (two business trips in the past week, and two classes at CCSF right now), there are a lot of unhappy things. Notably, James still isn't ready to go for a ride with me to get that hot chocolate I promised him, and I still have to come to work every day at this horrid place.
I tried the straightforward channels, and now I have to get more creative about the job thing. It's going to reach a head next week, when my boss finds out that the rest of the department is quitting. Which just leaves me here. I do not want to be here, and have not wanted to be here for a long time. But I'm not as flexible as the other two (one is just going home to Indonesia and has no need for a job anyway, and the other is open to moving to LA, New York, or even Shanghai, which looks like the likely place he'll land. Were I open to moving, I wouldn't have a problem either) But I won't leave the Bay Area. But I *really* need out of this job. I won't go into why, but to say that this is a dead end job with people I really don't respect (can't respect, knowing and seeing what I do) and I need to go where I'm challenged and have room to grow. Besides, I'm so bored here. Same thing over and over? Ugh. No sign of ever having a change? Ugh.
Sadly, there are very few places for me to go in this industry. Levi's, GAP, Gymboree are three of the big ones in The City that I'm looking at (but good luck getting your resume in front of an actual person!) and two other places I'm most interested in are Mountain Hardwear (in Richmond) and The North Face (in San Leandro) These two companies would be perfect for me. Really. Remember all the stuff I did when I was in school? Remember how it always had to have functions and complicated parts? Remember how I was the only one there who could pull off such technical stuff? Well, oops, that doesn't mean anything. HR people screen out everyone who doesn't have 5 years experience doing exactly the same thing they are hiring for. Feh. I would be a perfect fit, but how to convince them? How to find someone to convince?
Outside of that, I also have some wish to get out of this industry. I always thought I should be a project manager instead. But what that actually means seems a little screwy, from reading job listings. Need to contact some people and find out what they do, how they got there, how they think I may or may not fit in and get in.
Mostly I just want to work somewhere where I'm learning and helping and growing, and not surrounded by idiots. That is a really tall order in the fashion industry in the Bay Area. I want out. Or, I want into North Face or Mountain Hardwear. Confusing? Well, OK, maybe I don't really know what I want. But I know what I don't want. I'm really clear about that.
I won't be able to be happy until I get out of this job.
Besides that? James is in San Francisco, but when I went to see him, it was way too crowded, and I hate putting up with other people's bullshit.
I want to see James, not really to see anyone else. Honestly, I've just never been very personable, so I have to be asked like ten times if something is wrong or I'm angry. No, I'm not, I just have hit the bottom of my tolerance for other people. I put up with a lot of personality bullshit when we were doing the events to raise money recently, and I had two rude emails from one of you, got yelled at and hung up on by another one, on the same fucking day. Did anyone ever apologize? No. Did I ever call you out on it? No. I powered through the task at hand. But now, I have no taste left for working with this group. It will take some time for me to come back to it, and then it will be different. I know this is important, but so is my sanity. I have other things going on in my life. I'm tired of making nice to you.
Since I was out a lot in the past week (Milwaukee and Las Vegas, both for work) I'm a little behind on my classes. But for the record, I'm taking my third semester of Conversational Mandarin (which I feel behind in, since many of the other students are already pretty fluent) and my first internet/html class. That one is an online class, hopefully one I'll have more success in than the Chinese Characters online class I dropped this summer.
I have to say this has been a challenging few months. This year is shaping up to be a big downer, on a grand scale. Not good times. But they can't always be. There are the ups, and the downs, but mostly I have it pretty damn good. I have the most wonderful man in the world waiting patiently for me to come down from my stress. Somehow he knows I have to keep pushing. It's not like I have to take classes in my "free" time. But I hate the idea of sitting still, of stopping learning. I don't want to stay where I am, at this job, getting older and staler. I have to keep expanding my education and skills. He knows this. He knows I have to keep going to meetings about James and doing fundraisers. He knows I have to do this even though the politics and personalities drive me up the wall. He pretends to listen when I come home and download all of this. Paul even understands my deep connection to my family, spending time with my dad, and mowing my grandparents' lawn in the boiling sun.
So as bad as times get, and they have been on a downswing, I still have it better than most. I still have so much, and so much to look forward to, in better times.
but if you're trying to deal with me now, you might find me less pleasant. Unless you can help me find a cool new job. Then I'll be your best friend, and bake you brownies.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
oh, and by the way
My mandarin teacher was so totally frothy about me yesterday at our final.
So my pronunciation is very good, but I really need to get my vocabulary up and practice listening and responding. It's really a lot harder to engage in extemporaneous conversations than to give scripted dialogues. I can only pick up about 10% of the words I hear, it is so fast.
So my pronunciation is very good, but I really need to get my vocabulary up and practice listening and responding. It's really a lot harder to engage in extemporaneous conversations than to give scripted dialogues. I can only pick up about 10% of the words I hear, it is so fast.
Friday, March 17, 2006
I totally just almost died! (again)
This week has been very, very busy. All I want is to sit in my house for a few hours and stare at the wall or alphabetize my CD's or something...
Sunday we were supposed to work on the SV, but got a better offer when Jesse and Daniel showed up. We went into SF and had a grand time at Toranado and Lingba Lounge.
Monday night I had my midterm for Mandarin. It went OK, I think. I can now argue about prices in Mandarin. Sortof.
Tuesday night I went to Berkeley to help Paul with some stuff, and Wednesday night we went shopping in Union Square. Which was totally exhausting.
Last night I went and saw my folks at the Garden Show, and then I nearly died on the way to dinner afterwards when I was trying to merge onto 280 South at Geneva.
It was raining, and there was a car a ways back in the lane I was merging into, but tons of space, no problem. Then THUNK! *Loud,* over the rain and freeway noise, and I hit the bars. I thought I was going to go over them. I have never hit anything so hard as I FELL into that pothole. Fucking great. My rim is dented now. I was sure I was going down, but the bike took the impact. The SV would not have; I am very lucky. That hole could easily get someone killed, so uhhh, watch out at the Geneva onramp.
Tonight I am going to do -nothing-, and then tomorrow is ridiculously busy again.
Oh, by the way, my boyfriend is totally The Hotness. The future became a different place when I met him, a much closer and more important place. I get excited about things in near and distant futures... the Isle of Man trip is turning into a near future, and that's pretty cool. What's next? ... We've talked about Bhutan... Who knows? Whatever it is, it will be grand.
Sunday we were supposed to work on the SV, but got a better offer when Jesse and Daniel showed up. We went into SF and had a grand time at Toranado and Lingba Lounge.
Monday night I had my midterm for Mandarin. It went OK, I think. I can now argue about prices in Mandarin. Sortof.
Tuesday night I went to Berkeley to help Paul with some stuff, and Wednesday night we went shopping in Union Square. Which was totally exhausting.
Last night I went and saw my folks at the Garden Show, and then I nearly died on the way to dinner afterwards when I was trying to merge onto 280 South at Geneva.
It was raining, and there was a car a ways back in the lane I was merging into, but tons of space, no problem. Then THUNK! *Loud,* over the rain and freeway noise, and I hit the bars. I thought I was going to go over them. I have never hit anything so hard as I FELL into that pothole. Fucking great. My rim is dented now. I was sure I was going down, but the bike took the impact. The SV would not have; I am very lucky. That hole could easily get someone killed, so uhhh, watch out at the Geneva onramp.
Tonight I am going to do -nothing-, and then tomorrow is ridiculously busy again.
Oh, by the way, my boyfriend is totally The Hotness. The future became a different place when I met him, a much closer and more important place. I get excited about things in near and distant futures... the Isle of Man trip is turning into a near future, and that's pretty cool. What's next? ... We've talked about Bhutan... Who knows? Whatever it is, it will be grand.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Chinese the lazy way
... is totally not working.
I am sitting around procrastinating on my Mandarin homework. Again.
I am not learning anything much this semester. I have hit a wall, or something.
I would really like to find a conversation partner. Anyone a native, or very fluent Mandarin speaker, please please please spend some time with me to practice? I can bake brownies, or help with your Engrish, or something....
help! This is not working!
as a sidenote, what is this "wo ai ni (like a mouse loves rice)" song doing stuck in my head?
I am sitting around procrastinating on my Mandarin homework. Again.
I am not learning anything much this semester. I have hit a wall, or something.
I would really like to find a conversation partner. Anyone a native, or very fluent Mandarin speaker, please please please spend some time with me to practice? I can bake brownies, or help with your Engrish, or something....
help! This is not working!
as a sidenote, what is this "wo ai ni (like a mouse loves rice)" song doing stuck in my head?
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Mandarin 12B 2/6/06
tonight's "goofy" count: 0
mentions of eating dog: 0
threats that "chinese people will be 'ha, ha, ha'": 0
discussions of the word "xiaojie" being used for prostitutes: 1 (long one though)
Actually, the "xiaojie" thing has been discussed in each of the three classes we've had so far this semester.
Otherwise, last night was a disappointment. NO "goofy"'s?!??!?!
mentions of eating dog: 0
threats that "chinese people will be 'ha, ha, ha'": 0
discussions of the word "xiaojie" being used for prostitutes: 1 (long one though)
Actually, the "xiaojie" thing has been discussed in each of the three classes we've had so far this semester.
Otherwise, last night was a disappointment. NO "goofy"'s?!??!?!
Monday, January 30, 2006
Mandarin 12B 1/30/06
tonight's "goofy" count: 3
mentions of eating dog: 1
threats that "chinese people will be 'ha, ha, ha'": 1
mentions of eating dog: 1
threats that "chinese people will be 'ha, ha, ha'": 1
says here, I'm equivalent to stupid
Saturday night we stayed up until 2am or so playing Katamari Damacy. The only reason I didn’t play all day Sunday was that my thumbs were totally sore, plus I promised Paul we’d spend time at his place so he could work on the yamabago while I dutifully practiced my Mandarin.
What was the highlight of the weekend? Well, probably the Dakar presentation at SFMC. Or maybe the ice cream on Sunday afternoon. Perhaps watching drag queens scurry in from the rain at a café Saturday night? Watching videos of wombats online Sunday night after watching Shanghai Triad? (I actually was able to pick out words I understood. Not enough, but SOME)
It certainly wasn’t the time spent Saturday morning trying to get a check in British Pounds Sterling for our home stay at Isle of Man. The lack of math skills in this country is fucking frightening. It’s a good thing our culture is proud of stupidity, because otherwise, I don’t know how we’d be able to live with ourselves.
Maybe you know that I didn’t finish high school. I was b-o-r-e-d and insulted and just generally wasting my time there, so I ditched it after my junior year. To go to college. You have to take this test, the CHSPE (California High School Proficiency Exam), to obtain your Equivalency Certificate. So, if it’s equivalent, I suppose that this test represents what they expect a high school grad to know.
It was horrible. I guess most of the kids at the test that morning were just high school dropouts who couldn’t hack it (which is saying a lot, considering how low our standards are) and were making a last-ditch effort to get out of high school with SOMETHING.
Instead of reading comprehension, the questions would ask for a direct quote from the preceding passage. No synthesis was required, just search and repeat. Multiple-choice made it even more insulting. Wait, it gets better. The crown jewel of the test was the multiple-choice question “What is 100% of 32?” I just don’t know. You see a question like that, and your immediate reaction is “This has to be a trick question.” “Am I reading this wrong somehow?” It’s like someone walking in off the street and handing you $100 for no reason. You feel a little suspicious.
The “essay” questions, holy cow… #1 was “What would you do if you won a million dollars?” Gee, I remember writing arguments and supporting material into essays. Essentially, this was a laundry list question. I don’t remember the second question specifically, but I remember it was about television.
Amazingly, I managed to pass this test. I shudder to think about those who did not pass. I remember finishing the test, looking up, and seeing some sweaty palms and nervous kids. This terrifies me.
OK, so back to what I’ve been up to: This weekend was mostly relaxing, but we got some stuff done and saw some folks at SFMC on Saturday.
Prior to that? Tuesday we had dinner with Marisa and Luke. Monday I started my second semester Conversational Mandarin class. Which is very bizarre. Suit came in wearing jeans, which totally confused me. Pole-clown apparently has given up her burgeoning clown career to become a student, and the instructor spent 20 minutes talking about prostitutes in China. One guy appeared to be taking notes diligently at this point, “so, if you ask for a xiaojie, it’s going to be understood that you want a prostitute?” Hey, language class ought to be useful, right? I know how to say, “I don’t speak Mandarin.” And “I’m vegetarian.” Can I quit now? Oh, yeah, and “I want a prostitute.”
Last weekend we were in San Jose with my folks, and went to see Lion King on Saturday. This is the production by Julie Taymor, who made Titus, one of my favorite movies. The visuals effects and costumes are very cool. The story and music suck donkey balls. I HATE Disney. Oh, I get it, the lion, courage; oh, it’s so touching.
But time spent with family is always good time. My dad broke out the wine and chocolate, and we all got loaded. We’ll actually be back down there this weekend. I plan to drink as much wine as I can.
What was the highlight of the weekend? Well, probably the Dakar presentation at SFMC. Or maybe the ice cream on Sunday afternoon. Perhaps watching drag queens scurry in from the rain at a café Saturday night? Watching videos of wombats online Sunday night after watching Shanghai Triad? (I actually was able to pick out words I understood. Not enough, but SOME)
It certainly wasn’t the time spent Saturday morning trying to get a check in British Pounds Sterling for our home stay at Isle of Man. The lack of math skills in this country is fucking frightening. It’s a good thing our culture is proud of stupidity, because otherwise, I don’t know how we’d be able to live with ourselves.
Maybe you know that I didn’t finish high school. I was b-o-r-e-d and insulted and just generally wasting my time there, so I ditched it after my junior year. To go to college. You have to take this test, the CHSPE (California High School Proficiency Exam), to obtain your Equivalency Certificate. So, if it’s equivalent, I suppose that this test represents what they expect a high school grad to know.
It was horrible. I guess most of the kids at the test that morning were just high school dropouts who couldn’t hack it (which is saying a lot, considering how low our standards are) and were making a last-ditch effort to get out of high school with SOMETHING.
Instead of reading comprehension, the questions would ask for a direct quote from the preceding passage. No synthesis was required, just search and repeat. Multiple-choice made it even more insulting. Wait, it gets better. The crown jewel of the test was the multiple-choice question “What is 100% of 32?” I just don’t know. You see a question like that, and your immediate reaction is “This has to be a trick question.” “Am I reading this wrong somehow?” It’s like someone walking in off the street and handing you $100 for no reason. You feel a little suspicious.
The “essay” questions, holy cow… #1 was “What would you do if you won a million dollars?” Gee, I remember writing arguments and supporting material into essays. Essentially, this was a laundry list question. I don’t remember the second question specifically, but I remember it was about television.
Amazingly, I managed to pass this test. I shudder to think about those who did not pass. I remember finishing the test, looking up, and seeing some sweaty palms and nervous kids. This terrifies me.
OK, so back to what I’ve been up to: This weekend was mostly relaxing, but we got some stuff done and saw some folks at SFMC on Saturday.
Prior to that? Tuesday we had dinner with Marisa and Luke. Monday I started my second semester Conversational Mandarin class. Which is very bizarre. Suit came in wearing jeans, which totally confused me. Pole-clown apparently has given up her burgeoning clown career to become a student, and the instructor spent 20 minutes talking about prostitutes in China. One guy appeared to be taking notes diligently at this point, “so, if you ask for a xiaojie, it’s going to be understood that you want a prostitute?” Hey, language class ought to be useful, right? I know how to say, “I don’t speak Mandarin.” And “I’m vegetarian.” Can I quit now? Oh, yeah, and “I want a prostitute.”
Last weekend we were in San Jose with my folks, and went to see Lion King on Saturday. This is the production by Julie Taymor, who made Titus, one of my favorite movies. The visuals effects and costumes are very cool. The story and music suck donkey balls. I HATE Disney. Oh, I get it, the lion, courage; oh, it’s so touching.
But time spent with family is always good time. My dad broke out the wine and chocolate, and we all got loaded. We’ll actually be back down there this weekend. I plan to drink as much wine as I can.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Whoa. I have become “that guy.”
The one that sits in front of video games all day and night. I hum the Katamari Damacy tune when I’m at work. I want to roll everything up. Make it bigger. What a nice Katamari! This one feels… snacks-ish.
So, considering the half-day we had at work Friday, I had a three and a half day weekend. What do I have to show for that? Not a lot. But my Katamari is so beautiful!
Saturday we went walking around SF with no plans, bumped into coolness, and followed it to a bar where some friends were spending the evening. Best part? None of that overpriced, long-line New Year’s Eve racket bullshit. I don’t care if it is December 31st, I refuse to pay a $30 cover for a club I normally wouldn’t even visit if it were free. And, fuck a lot of that fixed price (fixed-overprice is more like it), reservation-only crap. Your restaurant is empty. I’ve eaten there on several occasions for half that price, what’s the fucking problem?
We went to a tacqueria and that was just fine. The cashier was totally skimming the till. Hah.
So, yes, we went to a bar, it was free, drinks were had, there were home-made brownies there, and I got to see people I like, and at times it was even quiet enough that I could talk to them.
I’m all trying to be overly nice to people who created hang-ups about me out of nowhere. Women are weird, and their weirdness really just makes me think less of them, but I try to put on a little show. I can’t help your self-esteem issues. Not truly, but I’ll give it a whirl. How was that?
Sunday we slept a lot before venturing out into Union Square. Dinner was crap, cake and coffee were nice, we looked at crap in stores a little, and then headed home, where we proceeded to play We (heart) Katamari, like, way, way too much. Which continued on Monday, when we didn’t even leave the house until after 5pm, to go to the East Bay for Priya (yum) and watch some weird Chinese movie (Not One Less). I’m trying to watch Mandarin movies to just sort of pick out words here and there and pickup some culture or something. A lot of these movies are just weird and depressing. Mostly you just look at it and go “that’s fucked up!” I don’t know if this is making me more, or less, sympathetic. Fingers are firmly crossed. Class starts again in 2.5 weeks.
I read somewhere (maybe it’s a famous quote or something, I don’t know) that while men tend to fixate on being a woman’s first (see also: centuries of fetishizing virginity in women), women are smartly focused on being a man’s last. I’m not too hung up on who came before me. I mean, it’s part of a story, a story that I’m very interested in. I glean tidbits of history, glimpses of personality, and understanding of fears and hopes, needs and dislikes. But there’s a reason things are past tense. I am PRESENT TENSE. Oh, yeah! The past is full of suckers, as far as I’m concerned. Your loss!
I do not know what guys think about this, but here’s a glimpse into the way chicks think (I think. Then again, maybe I don’t really understand women)
Ending #1: he dumped the ex, so I am better than her. But that also means she desperately wants him back! Oh no! That bitch!
Ending #2: She dumped him, so she does not want him. But he is pining for her. That bitch!
As you can see, no matter what, the ex is a threat. That’s where the comparison to the ex comes in:
ex #1: She is so much less successful/smart/charming/whatever-I-think-my-boyfriend-values than I am. I am so much better. That is so cool.
ex #2: She is so much MORE successful/smart/charming/whatever-I-think-my-boyfriend-values than I am. I am so much less. I am so insecure. And I’m fat. And I have a shitty job. And I can’t ride my motorcycle for shit. I’m too tall, I’m too short. And I haven’t read as many books, and I can’t cook, And I don’t have a nice car, And and and... (well, it just gets worse and snowballs. Mostly having less to do with real differences, and more to do with the insecurities the girlfriend already has internally)
Ex #1 will still make insecurities, but it takes another step, wherein girlfriend realizes that since they are so different, the ex must have had something she does not. That bitch!
So, net-net, you are doomed.
Anyway, it’s sort of a pattern that my exes’ following girlfriends have ranged from not liking me, to breaking into screaming fits on street corners at the sight of me (hi sarah! Or whatever name you’re going by now). I am totally evil. Well, and yes, I’m still friends with most of these guys.
Boo. Lame. I have several female friends. Women I truly admire and enjoy. They don’t exhibit these traits, to my knowledge. Insecurities are human, but you gotta own them, and stop taking them out on other people. Somehow, women are usually poorly trained to do that.
Here’s a final clue: Anyone who can’t see that I am completely, utterly happy where I am now needs a head-check. I don’t want (whoever it is)! I am smitten on all levels, and completely out of the game. Your boyfriend likes you, and would probably like you even more if you weren’t full of hang-ups. (Shit, even if he was totally pining for me, it wouldn’t matter. Have you SEEN my boyfriend? He is The Hottness!) If I’m bothering you, just say so. Chances are, it’s a mis-understanding or a bunch of funny feelings manifesting themselves as such. Get on with your life.
Oh, and if you’re dealing with ex #2, whose fucking fault is that? Get your shit together.
So, considering the half-day we had at work Friday, I had a three and a half day weekend. What do I have to show for that? Not a lot. But my Katamari is so beautiful!
Saturday we went walking around SF with no plans, bumped into coolness, and followed it to a bar where some friends were spending the evening. Best part? None of that overpriced, long-line New Year’s Eve racket bullshit. I don’t care if it is December 31st, I refuse to pay a $30 cover for a club I normally wouldn’t even visit if it were free. And, fuck a lot of that fixed price (fixed-overprice is more like it), reservation-only crap. Your restaurant is empty. I’ve eaten there on several occasions for half that price, what’s the fucking problem?
We went to a tacqueria and that was just fine. The cashier was totally skimming the till. Hah.
So, yes, we went to a bar, it was free, drinks were had, there were home-made brownies there, and I got to see people I like, and at times it was even quiet enough that I could talk to them.
I’m all trying to be overly nice to people who created hang-ups about me out of nowhere. Women are weird, and their weirdness really just makes me think less of them, but I try to put on a little show. I can’t help your self-esteem issues. Not truly, but I’ll give it a whirl. How was that?
Sunday we slept a lot before venturing out into Union Square. Dinner was crap, cake and coffee were nice, we looked at crap in stores a little, and then headed home, where we proceeded to play We (heart) Katamari, like, way, way too much. Which continued on Monday, when we didn’t even leave the house until after 5pm, to go to the East Bay for Priya (yum) and watch some weird Chinese movie (Not One Less). I’m trying to watch Mandarin movies to just sort of pick out words here and there and pickup some culture or something. A lot of these movies are just weird and depressing. Mostly you just look at it and go “that’s fucked up!” I don’t know if this is making me more, or less, sympathetic. Fingers are firmly crossed. Class starts again in 2.5 weeks.
I read somewhere (maybe it’s a famous quote or something, I don’t know) that while men tend to fixate on being a woman’s first (see also: centuries of fetishizing virginity in women), women are smartly focused on being a man’s last. I’m not too hung up on who came before me. I mean, it’s part of a story, a story that I’m very interested in. I glean tidbits of history, glimpses of personality, and understanding of fears and hopes, needs and dislikes. But there’s a reason things are past tense. I am PRESENT TENSE. Oh, yeah! The past is full of suckers, as far as I’m concerned. Your loss!
I do not know what guys think about this, but here’s a glimpse into the way chicks think (I think. Then again, maybe I don’t really understand women)
Ending #1: he dumped the ex, so I am better than her. But that also means she desperately wants him back! Oh no! That bitch!
Ending #2: She dumped him, so she does not want him. But he is pining for her. That bitch!
As you can see, no matter what, the ex is a threat. That’s where the comparison to the ex comes in:
ex #1: She is so much less successful/smart/charming/whatever-I-think-my-boyfriend-values than I am. I am so much better. That is so cool.
ex #2: She is so much MORE successful/smart/charming/whatever-I-think-my-boyfriend-values than I am. I am so much less. I am so insecure. And I’m fat. And I have a shitty job. And I can’t ride my motorcycle for shit. I’m too tall, I’m too short. And I haven’t read as many books, and I can’t cook, And I don’t have a nice car, And and and... (well, it just gets worse and snowballs. Mostly having less to do with real differences, and more to do with the insecurities the girlfriend already has internally)
Ex #1 will still make insecurities, but it takes another step, wherein girlfriend realizes that since they are so different, the ex must have had something she does not. That bitch!
So, net-net, you are doomed.
Anyway, it’s sort of a pattern that my exes’ following girlfriends have ranged from not liking me, to breaking into screaming fits on street corners at the sight of me (hi sarah! Or whatever name you’re going by now). I am totally evil. Well, and yes, I’m still friends with most of these guys.
Boo. Lame. I have several female friends. Women I truly admire and enjoy. They don’t exhibit these traits, to my knowledge. Insecurities are human, but you gotta own them, and stop taking them out on other people. Somehow, women are usually poorly trained to do that.
Here’s a final clue: Anyone who can’t see that I am completely, utterly happy where I am now needs a head-check. I don’t want (whoever it is)! I am smitten on all levels, and completely out of the game. Your boyfriend likes you, and would probably like you even more if you weren’t full of hang-ups. (Shit, even if he was totally pining for me, it wouldn’t matter. Have you SEEN my boyfriend? He is The Hottness!) If I’m bothering you, just say so. Chances are, it’s a mis-understanding or a bunch of funny feelings manifesting themselves as such. Get on with your life.
Oh, and if you’re dealing with ex #2, whose fucking fault is that? Get your shit together.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
onward
This morning I registered for the Spring semester. Continuation of Intro to Conversational Mandarin. Let's hope I can still stick with it even without Paul's being in the class with me. He was a great help to my actually going through the entire class this Winter.
We watched a Chinese movie last night, and I was able to pick up a few words. Nothing interesting, just little things. I'm not the best student, so it's something, at least. I really want to learn at least a slightly useful amount of Mandarin. I don't want to give up on this, the way I leave so many started and abaondoned projects.
Monday nights, Jan 23-May 15, I am booked.
We watched a Chinese movie last night, and I was able to pick up a few words. Nothing interesting, just little things. I'm not the best student, so it's something, at least. I really want to learn at least a slightly useful amount of Mandarin. I don't want to give up on this, the way I leave so many started and abaondoned projects.
Monday nights, Jan 23-May 15, I am booked.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Lookit me, I'm tough on crime!
So today I called in sick for the second day in a row. they were like “are you on vacation?” Sadly, no, but thanks for discouraging my staying home and keeping me germs away from you.
Being that it’s just before Christmas, I wish I weren’t sick, so I could call in and use my time off for important Christmas things like figuring out what to give the people in my life. What is exactly the right thing to tell you how important you are to me, how well I know you and your quirks and dreams, that I thought of you all year? Shit, I don’t know, in many cases, but the meaning is still there? I thought I would make all the gifts this year, but in the end, didn’t find the time to do that at all. I’m lame. I’ve felt fairly frantic, hardly any down time to just be at home, take care of the things that need to be done.
The Chinese class has been a challenge, and I’m not sure I rose very well to the challenge. I could have been a better student. It’s fucking hard. Tonight it will be over. I’m still not sure what to enroll in for next semester. Conversational Chinese B? Chinese (written and all) A? Something entirely different? I scoped out classes about Islam and American Government, and some ballroom dancing class.
But I think I ought to stick with the Chinese. I don’t want another thing I started but didn’t follow through. I would like to get a strong basic grasp on some of this. But I can’t decide if that needs to include characters or not. That seems like all too much sometimes. Anyone have any suggestions?
I think whatever class I take will be alone. Paul was a great help in getting through the semester, but I don’t think he can fit it in next semester. Besides, there are other things that make more sense for him to take, for his career and all that.
What’s in the news? We put another man to death this week. I can’t say anything new about this that you haven’t already heard before. I’ll just say I don’t believe in the death penalty. It’s barbaric and pointless, and REALLY. FUCKING. EXPENSIVE. I’m a pragmatist at least. If you want to argue about the morality (which is difficult, since I don’t think arguments can change people’s morals) fine, but one thing we do know, is it costs a LOT more to do the death penalty than imprison someone for life. I don’t think Tookie Williams was innocent, and I wince to read that the witnesses to the execution shouted that when they left the execution. I don’t even know that he was “reformed” especially. It’s all media and conjecture. He belonged in prison. But I don’t need the blood on my hands, and the state could sure use the money we’d save by just housing the guy.
But.
But.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT “CULTURE OF LIFE” that I heard so much about last year? The entire fucking government gets involved in keeping a vegetable propped up on a feeding tube, and those same people are glad to kill someone else? I do not understand it. Fuck you. Jesus was VERY clear about the death penalty. There are a lot of things that are open to interpretation in the bible, but where is the interpretation in “he who is without sin may cast the first stone?” Where is the interpretation in a story about Jesus coming forth to spare a woman who is about to be stoned to death? There’s no mention of whether she’s reformed or not, that’s not the point. The point is for each of us, not dependent on the criminal, to look into our own hearts and lives, and become more human by treating others with compassion and forgiveness.
Well, anyway, it’s upsetting, but didn’t exactly surprise me. Politicians like to pretend to be tough on crime. I’m curious how killing a man who’s already locked up actually cuts down on crime.
Also in the news this week: a report that SFPD has a really shitty record for dealing with homicide. The homicide rate is up this year. (which may have to do with another story about how the poor are getting left WAY behind in San Francisco, or possibly the story about the appalling conditions in public housing in SF) Meanwhile, SFPD has only made arrests in 20% of homicides. Great job, guys! Now I know SFPD has a lot to do. It’s big ugly city, but we need to get more done here. 20% leaves pretty good odds. It’s better than going to vegas!
The flak about the videos, well, the only thing I find REALLY offensive is the fact that these cops are morons. The FIRST rule of doing stuff you’re not supposed to do, is DON’T TAKE PICTURES. I can’t tell you how many times this has gotten people caught. It’s idiotic to document something that is going to bite you in the ass later. Sorry, but I’ve known that since high school. The videos were borderline offensive (at least what I saw) but what really bothers me is how dumb you are. You’re dumb, and you haven’t arrested any murderers. Please try again.
Being that it’s just before Christmas, I wish I weren’t sick, so I could call in and use my time off for important Christmas things like figuring out what to give the people in my life. What is exactly the right thing to tell you how important you are to me, how well I know you and your quirks and dreams, that I thought of you all year? Shit, I don’t know, in many cases, but the meaning is still there? I thought I would make all the gifts this year, but in the end, didn’t find the time to do that at all. I’m lame. I’ve felt fairly frantic, hardly any down time to just be at home, take care of the things that need to be done.
The Chinese class has been a challenge, and I’m not sure I rose very well to the challenge. I could have been a better student. It’s fucking hard. Tonight it will be over. I’m still not sure what to enroll in for next semester. Conversational Chinese B? Chinese (written and all) A? Something entirely different? I scoped out classes about Islam and American Government, and some ballroom dancing class.
But I think I ought to stick with the Chinese. I don’t want another thing I started but didn’t follow through. I would like to get a strong basic grasp on some of this. But I can’t decide if that needs to include characters or not. That seems like all too much sometimes. Anyone have any suggestions?
I think whatever class I take will be alone. Paul was a great help in getting through the semester, but I don’t think he can fit it in next semester. Besides, there are other things that make more sense for him to take, for his career and all that.
What’s in the news? We put another man to death this week. I can’t say anything new about this that you haven’t already heard before. I’ll just say I don’t believe in the death penalty. It’s barbaric and pointless, and REALLY. FUCKING. EXPENSIVE. I’m a pragmatist at least. If you want to argue about the morality (which is difficult, since I don’t think arguments can change people’s morals) fine, but one thing we do know, is it costs a LOT more to do the death penalty than imprison someone for life. I don’t think Tookie Williams was innocent, and I wince to read that the witnesses to the execution shouted that when they left the execution. I don’t even know that he was “reformed” especially. It’s all media and conjecture. He belonged in prison. But I don’t need the blood on my hands, and the state could sure use the money we’d save by just housing the guy.
But.
But.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT “CULTURE OF LIFE” that I heard so much about last year? The entire fucking government gets involved in keeping a vegetable propped up on a feeding tube, and those same people are glad to kill someone else? I do not understand it. Fuck you. Jesus was VERY clear about the death penalty. There are a lot of things that are open to interpretation in the bible, but where is the interpretation in “he who is without sin may cast the first stone?” Where is the interpretation in a story about Jesus coming forth to spare a woman who is about to be stoned to death? There’s no mention of whether she’s reformed or not, that’s not the point. The point is for each of us, not dependent on the criminal, to look into our own hearts and lives, and become more human by treating others with compassion and forgiveness.
Well, anyway, it’s upsetting, but didn’t exactly surprise me. Politicians like to pretend to be tough on crime. I’m curious how killing a man who’s already locked up actually cuts down on crime.
Also in the news this week: a report that SFPD has a really shitty record for dealing with homicide. The homicide rate is up this year. (which may have to do with another story about how the poor are getting left WAY behind in San Francisco, or possibly the story about the appalling conditions in public housing in SF) Meanwhile, SFPD has only made arrests in 20% of homicides. Great job, guys! Now I know SFPD has a lot to do. It’s big ugly city, but we need to get more done here. 20% leaves pretty good odds. It’s better than going to vegas!
The flak about the videos, well, the only thing I find REALLY offensive is the fact that these cops are morons. The FIRST rule of doing stuff you’re not supposed to do, is DON’T TAKE PICTURES. I can’t tell you how many times this has gotten people caught. It’s idiotic to document something that is going to bite you in the ass later. Sorry, but I’ve known that since high school. The videos were borderline offensive (at least what I saw) but what really bothers me is how dumb you are. You’re dumb, and you haven’t arrested any murderers. Please try again.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
bu hao
The Chinese is not going great.
Last, week, Paul and I skipped class (our only missed class of the semester) because it was raining and winding too hard, and we were lazy.
This week, there’s no class because the teacher is playing hookie.
Week before last was Thanksgiving holiday.
So, we’re a few weeks without our dear Du Laoshi to tell us zombie stories and insist that she doesn’t eat dog. Or was it that she hadn’t eaten dog yet? I’m not sure. I’ll need another semester to be sure.
We’re supposed to have a conversation about food, drinks, weather and time-based stuff for 6 minutes. Time based stuff is basically, days of the week and things like “last week,” “day after tomorrow,” etc.
We wrote a script and it’s the most retarded conversation you can imagine. It’s pretty funny to imagine that there’s a whole half the world just standing around having the following conversation:
1: You good!
2: Do you live in San Francisco?
1: I do not. I live in Berkeley.
2: Does it rain much in Berkeley.
1: It doesn’t rain much. Do you like cake?
2: I do not like cake. I want one glass of beer.
1: I also want one glass of beer. I study Chinese.
2: What day do you study Chinese?
1: Is you mother fat?
2: My mother is very fat. Is your dad rich?
1: He’s not rich. Please have a cup of coffee.
I mean, from the vocabulary and grammar I have, that’s about as coherent as my conversation can get. Feels a little ridiculous, but then again, what is your Chinese vocabulary? I only know a few things in Cantonese, and none of that is formal or sentence-like.
Anyway, we are somewhat determined, but only inasmuch as it doesn’t interfere with my beer drinking. I don’t know whether we’ll continue next semester. I kind of want to, but it’s also possible that we ought to start from the beginning with a real Chinese class (characters and grammar, not just conversational) but actually, that just sounds even worse.
I wish I wish I wish I had been raised bilingual from a young age. This is totally my parents’ fault.
Last, week, Paul and I skipped class (our only missed class of the semester) because it was raining and winding too hard, and we were lazy.
This week, there’s no class because the teacher is playing hookie.
Week before last was Thanksgiving holiday.
So, we’re a few weeks without our dear Du Laoshi to tell us zombie stories and insist that she doesn’t eat dog. Or was it that she hadn’t eaten dog yet? I’m not sure. I’ll need another semester to be sure.
We’re supposed to have a conversation about food, drinks, weather and time-based stuff for 6 minutes. Time based stuff is basically, days of the week and things like “last week,” “day after tomorrow,” etc.
We wrote a script and it’s the most retarded conversation you can imagine. It’s pretty funny to imagine that there’s a whole half the world just standing around having the following conversation:
1: You good!
2: Do you live in San Francisco?
1: I do not. I live in Berkeley.
2: Does it rain much in Berkeley.
1: It doesn’t rain much. Do you like cake?
2: I do not like cake. I want one glass of beer.
1: I also want one glass of beer. I study Chinese.
2: What day do you study Chinese?
1: Is you mother fat?
2: My mother is very fat. Is your dad rich?
1: He’s not rich. Please have a cup of coffee.
I mean, from the vocabulary and grammar I have, that’s about as coherent as my conversation can get. Feels a little ridiculous, but then again, what is your Chinese vocabulary? I only know a few things in Cantonese, and none of that is formal or sentence-like.
Anyway, we are somewhat determined, but only inasmuch as it doesn’t interfere with my beer drinking. I don’t know whether we’ll continue next semester. I kind of want to, but it’s also possible that we ought to start from the beginning with a real Chinese class (characters and grammar, not just conversational) but actually, that just sounds even worse.
I wish I wish I wish I had been raised bilingual from a young age. This is totally my parents’ fault.
Friday, October 14, 2005
hen hao
I have successfully told the Chinese speakers in the office that I have a very handsome boyfriend, and they even understood me!
I feel so accomplished.
I think the midterm went OK. Not too painful, not too great though, either.
This weekend:
Friday night, MDC is playing
Saturday, possibly the deYoung or a warehouse party thingy. Maybe a ride? Maybe cleaning up the garage and my apartment? I don't know?
Sunday, same? Hopefully with cupcakes and/or ice cream.
I feel so accomplished.
I think the midterm went OK. Not too painful, not too great though, either.
This weekend:
Friday night, MDC is playing
Saturday, possibly the deYoung or a warehouse party thingy. Maybe a ride? Maybe cleaning up the garage and my apartment? I don't know?
Sunday, same? Hopefully with cupcakes and/or ice cream.
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