Monday, September 13, 2010

Seriously, I could cutabitch

  • "Oh get all the sleep you can now because you won't be getting any after the baby is born." This is tragically wrong. I can't sleep. I haven't had a good night's sleep in months. Last night? I couldn't sleep for several long stretches, but I know I slept a little in between because I HAD DREAMS ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP. And then I woke up again, a million times. I have to pee, and my hips ache terribly. When I sleep n my back for a bit, I have to worry about all the crap people said about not sleeping on your back, plus the lower back pain. Then I'm getting kicked, repeatedly, for about 30 minutes (hiccups?). Then I try to roll over onto the other hip to see if it hurts less, only to find that it hurts my round ligaments. Seriously, your advice is stupid, uninformed, pointless, and makes me angry because I'D LOVE TO FUCKING SLEEP ALREADY. But it's not an option. So shuttup.
  • "Oh is that your weird pregnancy craving?" Yeah, you know what? I crave junk food. Especially sweets. You know what I craved before I was pregnant? Junk food, especially sweets. It's pretty stupid that you are trying so hard to fit my life into your tired jokes about weird things pregnant women do, that you're considering my wanting cake "one of those weird pregnancy things." I was actually kind of looking forward to more creative cravings... pickles and ice cream, or dirt, or something. But in reality, it's just the same shit I've always wanted. Plus lots of water. I'm insanely thirsty all of the time.
  • Bonus for all the asshats who said I would surely give in to craving meat. Not only was that a big "no" (never a single craving) but you get the added asshatedness of basically saying "your pregnancy will surely make you decide to do something you find morally repulsive. Just you wait and see, you silly thing." Yeah, and next time you have the flu, I'm sure I'll find you calling up your sister for a blowjob. Ick? How could I suggest something so... wrong? Exactly.
  • "You can't have that!" Said to me as I raise a glass of coffee to my lips. Really? Watch me. And if I can't drink it, I'm gonna throw it in your face.
  • (smug face) "oooohhhh, you just wait, you have no idea.../you're in for it/blah blah blah" (smug chuckle). I have no idea what you said because all I heard was "I'm so smug and you are so clueless. Hah haw haw. And also you are so foolish and I am so smug. And furthermore, look at how smug and condescending I am" These people need to consider why they are talking to me, because I'm at worst planning how quickly I can never talk to them again, or at best I am gritting my teeth while internally screaming at the top of my lungs to never hear anything they say to me again. So congratulations on being someone I hope to tune out or just avoid in general. I'm guessing these people think they are being funny or just seeming wise, but really consider whether patronizing comments and condescension is something anyone in your life is going to respond to. Even if I didn't just dismiss your every word because you're a jerk for being so rude, I guess you're hoping I'd just feel bad that my life was going to end and you thought it was a big joke? No one is thinking "wow, I am so glad that wise old owl pointed out the obvious." Besides, no one has any idea what they are in for ever. EVAR. I'm not a fucking idiot. And yes, I am going to do cloth diapers. Yes I am going to keep riding my bike after I fall off. Yes, I am going to be a vegetarian. I remember being told that I was foolishly entering those thing too. Guess who had no idea? When has being smug and patronizing ever strengthened your interactions or relationships?
  • Do I know you? Don't make me grab your crotch to prove my point.
  • Anyone blaming my reaction towards them on pregnancy. Nice, easy out for you, but, no. My temper is about the same. Sometimes I am even less temperamental lately. If I think you're an idiot, it's because I think you're an idiot. Are you a teenager who refuses to move their bag to share a bus stop bench with visibly pregnant or disabled or old or tired people (or, hell, anyone is not a fucking bag?!?!)? You're an ass! Are you a guy who can't seem to do your job despite being told a billion times in simple terms how to do it, then trying to throw me and my team under the bus? You're an ass! And you're lucky I don't have the time to make it a personal goal to get you fired. (it crossed my mind) Are you otherwise being blithely self-centered or wasting my time? I have a lot of shit to do. Get out of my way. Thanks. PS: I can lose this weight and will not be pregnant soon, but you will still be an ass. What will you blame it on then? Blaming someone's reaction to your behavior on pregnancy is right up there with saying "oh, she's disagreeing with me. Must be that time of the month." It's just a way for people to dismiss a woman's thoughts by blaming them on some hormones. Women just can't control themselves, you see, and if they don't mesh with what you want, it must be due to female troubles. Not because she has a valid point.

I've gotten so much advice about what I *should* do, or what I should feel guilty about not doing, I really could give a shit what most people have to say at this point. I had planned to work up until I popped, but I realized that the closer I got to my due date, the more work people kept piling on my plate. Giving myself a week or two off before the due date may actually mean I can catch up on some stuff. I was scheduled to do my driver test this week but I had to cancel it because it's just one more thing I haven't had time to prepare for. No shit I should do that because "what if my kid needs to go to the hospital?" I'm not a moron. I just have 4 billion things on my plate. And the stress is too much. Keep your comments about my weight or my diet to yourself-- my doctor is happy and I think he's delivered many more babies than you have. If you want to share your happy or fucked up birth story with me, I'm perfectly happy to listen, but that's pretty much all I'm going to do. I love hearing about the experiences and learnings of my loved ones, but everyone is different, and yours is just one data point. I like hearing about motorcycle wrecks too but no one should expect me to stop riding because they had a bad time of it.

Pregnancy is a stupid and unlikely thing. If there was ever an argument against "intelligent design" I think human gestation would be it. And if you survive it, you get this half-formed thing that still isn't really baked yet. Yay?
Anyway, every pregnancy is different, and you just get what you get (and probably won't like it-- if you do, you're a weirdo)
This one has been pretty easy so far, comparatively. I've been mostly able to barrel ahead with my life in general and keep on task. (outside of running, which, despite my best researched plans, I had to give up after some severe round ligament pain early on) Paul and I have managed to have a lot of fun in between (offroading! Ice caves! Ice cream!) We're not "Ready" for a baby any more than anyone ever is. Who cares? We are ready! Shark slapping time!

Among my early confessions of terrible motherhood:
I'm not banking cord blood, I'm not getting on the waitlist for the good preschools. I'm not eating all organic, I'm eating a little too much of this and not enough of that. I have allowed, neigh, invited, beer to pass my lips. I didn't give up motorcycles until I was several months pregnant, and I have every intention of going out and wrecking again. I won't be bragging about her early attainment of random development milestones, and she'll probably end up a latchkey kid at some point. I will occasionally (if not regularly) swear in front of her, and I will let her eat dirt pie. I will probably bring my work home with me, and there will be times when I just let her cry it out. I didn't think her ultrasounds were cute, and I have no intention of decorating her nursery.

I won't do the things I am supposed to do to give her everything.
I already did the most important thing I can do for her: I found her a wonderful father, and we loved her very much.
Everything else is just window dressing.

1 comment:

Charles said...

wait a minute. if i touch your belly, you will grab my crotch? :P