Sunday, December 05, 2010

Weepiness bookends my time off with Molly, as preparing to go back to work has made me more sad than I'd like.

It's not that I don't want to go back to work-- I really do need to get back to something other than diapers and rocking and shushing. It's just that I want to stay home too. I want it all. Actually, I don't even want to stay home, I just want to be at two places at once, for more of the day. I'm sad to give up my morning time with Molly, and being there to feed her whenever she is hungry. I will be gone during the most enjoyable time of her day-- by the evenings, she has usually turned into a fussy baby due to fighting off all of her naps. Smiles are easy in the morning:

From 2010.10 Molly

For a few days, I was able to really work on getting her naps, and she went to bed relatively easily those nights. But I have to give up on that now. She hates napping, she hates to go to bed. The screaming is obnoxious and we suppose she is too early to let her cry herself to sleep (that's MY job!)

We are lucky that she will be with Paul during the day, and me at night. No daycare. For one thing, we couldn't even afford it. At the same time, we are unlucky that we are going to each be on our own with her at our times, and rarely seeing each other. The timing is tight-- no more late nights at work, no more gym, no more shuttle (too damn slow) but it is going to work. And for now, at least, she'll be with one of her parents most of the time. Lucky girl! Lucky us! Even if it doesn't always feel lucky in the moment, while trying to calm her screaming. In hindsight, we'll remember it the way parents do-- too short.

From 2010.10 Molly

I still have tons of maternity leave time to take but I'm not sure how best to go about it. No matter what it will impact my work heavily, and I have a hard time accepting that. We're working on the best strategy-- time it for four months when we might think about sleep training? Take it in large chunks or short ones interspersed throughout the year? Which will be less damaging to my career? Which will be best for us as a family? Which might be used for other things, like a family vacation?

For now, I'm just focused on this week, as it clashes with Paul's schedule to make for a really hard week.

1 comment:

Jen said...

I'm so with you on this whole back-to-work thing. Being a mom that works outside the home is the ultimate in yanking of your heart. You want it all, of course. Everyone's different but, I can tell you for me, I'd be part-time if I could. Then I feel like I'd have it all. I'm sure you've heard this but this early time, first few years, goes fast and it's hard but it's the bomb. Lots happens and you want to be there for it. So, do your balancing. There's the reality of life and money. But, having done this twice, I'd say do what you can to try and get both.

BTW, thinking about you a lot. And, I have little girl clothes for you. My box is getting more full. Hopefully we can see you soon to pass them along and meet Molly, cuteness! Take care.