A Health to the Company

So here's a health to the company and one to my lass
Let us drink and be merry all out of one glass


I've never been one to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. When I moved to San Francisco, and worked in the Financial District, I remember hating the mess of drunken fratboy behaviors, and the screams of "why aren't you drinking, aren't you Irish?" (really. Nothing weirdly racist about that at all.)

But now we are fortunate enough to live walking distance from a lovely pub, where we regularly take molly for dinner and/or a beer. (for us... not for her

And Sunday night they had Irish step dancing and a band playing Irish folk music. When we got there, Molly desperately wanted to squeeze inside to hear the band. She told me "mama, I like music!' when we took a potty break. When the dancers came out, she went to watch and she LOVED it. But the best? After the dancers left, and the pub became less crowded, she found the dance floor to herself, and danced for like an hour. At one point, two women came up to dance with her, but Molly wasn't quite ready to deal with that. People sitting at the side smiled and waved at her bizarro interpretive, but heartfelt, dance.

I'm old now, and my clubbing days are well behind me. I'm so happy to have a place where kids are loved as part of the continuum. A friend at work seemed surprised "you took your kid to a PUB?!?!" but it seems like the natural thing to me. I've finally come around to St. Patrick's Day, and only because now I can see it through the eyes of a child dancing to folk music at a pub while her parents slam back pints of Murphys.

On another note, though, St. Patrick's will always be a bittersweet time for us, as we'll remember it as the time we saw Kathie off. She passed away the morning after, one year ago.

Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain
For we may or might never all meet here again

Running in Circles. Lift heavy things.

Last week, for the first time, I ran a ten-minute mile. Three times.

Now, I know a ten-minute mile is nothing to brag about, but I'm someone who has never in her life been fit. I should celebrate. With cookies.

A few years back, I shared an office (we do that here at the Big G) with someone who had a very different experience of fitness. Who had apparently been a sponsored runner at some point in his life, a concept so alien to me, I had to wonder whether it was really such an impossible thing. I decided to give it a try. (I did not decide to try the many other things he had also done, like rappelling out of helicopters face-first).

Of course I wanted to control my weight, which was ballooning due to the endless food at work, but I also was worried about my heart. I had occasional spells of dizziness and near-blackouts, prompted by nothing. My blood pressure is actually low, and I found out that my heart rate was insanely high. I got a Polar heart rate monitor and included bringing my heart rate down as a measurable goal.

I'm a person who needs the details simple and spelled out. My friend mentioned a good running shoe store and I dutifully went and got sized up and bought whatever they told me. At first, I started by running with Paul, around the neighborhood. Then we found a nearby track at the fancy local high school, and did run-walk sessions there. I pretty quickly ended up going to physical therapy for a weird foot/ankle pain. But did not give up.

After we moved to Sunnyvale, and there was no track nearby, I found that I ended up happier running indoors on a treadmill, due to the opportunity to completely tune out the world around me. No dog poop, no cars, no creepy dude sneaking up behind me while I rocked out to the angry music of my youth. Just me, running. It was easy to figure out. Not a lot of fussing with circuits and reps, methods or partners. Just me, running. I started running longer, and little faster. My heart rate was still very high, but I no longer had blood pressure drops that used to nearly knock me out.

I got pregnant. I read a book that told me not only could I keep running, but it would lead to the very best outcomes. I kept at it, until sometime around the 5th/6th month when round ligament pain left my in pain for a 45-minute spell after work one day. Then I tried to switch to bicycle, but as always I HATE bicycle, and abandoned exercise during pregnancy.

After Molly, we bought a treadmill since I couldn't very well leave to run during her naps, but I could be in the garage. I ran... sometimes. Not very often. I am a person who needs simple, spelled out details. When I finally got back to running, it was because I bought a C25K app. I need a simple plan. C25K got e back into running. Then, of course, back to the physical therapist, this time for sacroiliac pain that appeared after Molly was born, and had gotten progressively worse to the point where I could barely move by the time I got help. That one is still with me, but I manage it a little better now. And I didn't give up. I tried to keep running once I got my PT's go-ahead.

I was sporadic for a while, then a coworker asked me to be her gym buddy for a while. It was the first time I set foot in the gym at work since before Molly was born. But it worked. I started going 3-4 times/week. Just running. But? I was till quite slow, and my heart rate has never really gotten any better. And it was not helping me lose weight at all.

I added a GBarre class weekly (something kind of like this), the first time I've really ever enjoyed any gym class. I think I like it because it's slow and controlled. I don't like jumping around a ton and a fast-paced class just makes me relive an entire childhood of feeling like I'm the only idiot two steps behind a body of people who appear to effortlessly "get it." After the first class, it was three days before I could walk normally again. I loved it.

But after all this, I still could not lose weight, I still could not control my heart rate, and running was starting to get boring with no progress. I like to track because I think that if I track, I'll see progress, which will motivate me. I did not see progress in spite of my .


Enter fitocracy. I don't remember what link led me to it, but I thought I'd give it a whirl. As I said, I like simple, clear plans and tracking my workouts is probably what I had in mind. But I started to hear the same things over and over. Something about "Starting Strength." I already knew I hated endless circuits of special maneuvers and isolation machines at a gym. I already knew I had been baffled every time a trainer had shown me 5-10 different moves to do while jumping up and down on a bosu ball while juggling dumbells and balancing on one foot. I respond best to simple, clear instructions. I decided to take a stab at it, and started telling anyone who would listen, lest I chicken out. I signed up for a trainer at work and said I wanted to learn barbell squats, deadlifts (I didn't really even know what a deadlift was), bench press, clean (I had NO IDEA what that was), and press (again, only kind of knowing what that meant). My trainer showed up and seemed to question my motivations at first. But he's coming around and I love the attention to form. I want and need to do this right. He is really concerned about any small deficiencies which might hurt my back. But actually, my back hurts less now than it did a few weeks ago. I am convinced that if I can properly do these classic, compound movements, I can actually reduce my sacroiliac problems in the long run.
Look, I'm not trying to be an olympic lifter, and I don't even think I'll ever lift very heavy, but if I can learn to do these things, and do them properly, I can quietly go about my simple business of becoming a more awesome version of myself. Without the confusion of the latest trendy methods.



A few years ago, this would have been the least likely thing I would ever have thought-- that I'd be running and trying to do weird gym-bro stuff. No way. Those of us who never found our way in the gym are not really able to go to the gym. We get there and feel uncomfortable from the start. We don't know where to go, how to stand, what to do, and in what order/repetition. We feel stared at and ridiculed (mostly imagined) and that's before we even get to the process of exercise! The gym is for people who are already fit and it's terrifying to try to get started so late. But here we are.

I'm glad for the people who have helped push me along. My coworker who runs ( a "real" runner, while I am more of a jogger I suppose based on my slowness) and just gently nudged me and kept saying I was running when I insisted my slowness meant I was just jogging. My friend who asked me to go to the gym with her until I couldn't say no, and just kept telling me it didn't matter what we did there, as long as we WENT. And the random strangers on Fitocracy who show their efforts and kindly offer support for anyone who is interested in becoming more awesome.


Maybe someday I will be able to do my very first pull-up?

Yearly Thingie

Oh! So I have a blog. And it hasn't been updated in a long, long time.
I know exactly why. Not just because I'm busy, either.

Last year was a miserable mess. And who wants to hear about a miserable mess all the time? It's bad enough that the people around me have to hear about it. No, dear internet, you did not need to hear about what a miserable mess my year was.

But now, the year restrospective, whatever shall I do? I cannot pull my first sentence of every month. Last you heard, I put Stanford on my resume (I did, I really did. It's there, and I can show you, in case you are looking for an awesome project-managing, creative-problem-solving, troubleshooting, customer-relationship-managing person for your team!)

Things have happened since then. I wish I could remember what. Some of those things I think I'd rather not remember, but we must! So we can laugh about them in future-times.

Let's see...


oh, hey, I could always fall back on the old "yearly thingie" yes let's do that...


1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?

• Navigated a very unpleasant re-org, and learned a *lot* about office politics
• Had Thanksgiving dinner at home, with whatever we could scrounge up
• Had a really fun time celebrating Molly's birthday!
• Sucked it all up for the good of those who depend on me. Maybe this is the year I became an adult?

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Let's see how I scored:


Career:

• Keep my job.
• REALLY? I wrote this???? I guess I did this one, despite the fact that I thought my goal was the opposite. mmmmkay then.
• Grow my responsibilities and cross-functional work with an emphasis on projects that people who "matter" will actually recognize. (snip some comments)
• Uh, right. This was made early in the year before things became clear about the role I was put in. So, no. Although I did kick some ass at the end of the year, it wasn't politically advantageous.
• Do my damn PMP thing.
• YES. I totally did this. Just in time for a role where no one gives a shit. Sigh.
• Finish the Stanford Advanced Project Management certification in Q1
• Did this too! And it was great!

Health:

• Q1: Use Molly's nighttime nap (if there is one) to use the little exercise bike. -
• no, this totally did not work. It was impossible to get out while she was sleeping, she dropped that nap, and I had to do too much other stuff during that time. Big fail. Also I hate exercise bikes. What was I thinking?

Financial

• Max out my 401K by end of June
• Done.
• Add $X to our savings accounts each month. (X being a number we agreed on. Not sure I should really list the dollar amount publicly)
• Done, and more.
• Add $X to our 529 for Molly each month. (X being a number we agreed on, that, according to all of the college savings calculators, will end up making public college administrators laugh at her and say "oh, it's too bad your parents didn't really love you!")
• Done.

Other

• Have monthly crafting day at my house with family and friends. (already scheduled Q1)
• I'm gonna say I did this, though we may have missed one month.
• Keep a journal daily, at least 90% of days
• Hmmm, I was really good about this until the great Postini explosion of Q3, where I became so overworked that I just collapsed every night. I'd say I did about 85% of the time, so I'll give myself a green.
• Create a will/trust by the end of March
• Fail. Ugh.

OK, so how about 2012:
Career:

• Get back into a role that I love, whether that be growing in the dirt I was shoved in, or packing up and going. I want to feel valuable, and I want to feel responsible, and I want to feel the satisfaction of helping others. Doing a little planning, networking, and technical problem solving would round this out quite nicely. (this is a big, vague goal, implying a lot of little sub-projects and resolutions... networking! maintaining my accomplishments and resume, sharpening skills! oh my!)

Health:

• Get some exercise for my poor little overbeating heart. Q1: Assuming Sports Authority isn't the sheisty operation they are looking like right at this moment, we'll be getting a treadmill shortly. Once that's set up, I want to get at least an average of 4 days x30 minutes on there every week. (yes, I know there's a free treadmill called "outdoors" but I've found that I really prefer indoor treadmill. I know, it's weird.)

Financial

• Max out my 401K by end of March
• Add $X to our savings accounts each month. On average, understanding that some months are harder than others.
• Add $X to our 529 for Molly each month. Same $X as last year
• Shut down BofA account. I've had BofA since college. But, yeah, I've been meaning to drop them since they bought CountryWide and pretended they had no idea how diseased it was. I've found a credit union with awesome rates and no bailouts.
• Invest some of our cash. I do not know the first thing about investing money, and I would like to keep my life relatively simply (the thought of dealing with the taxes makes me sweat.) We need to do better than savings accounts this year.

Other

• Have monthly crafting day at my house with family and friends. (already scheduled Q1)
• Keep a journal daily, at least 90% of days
• Create a will/trust by the end of March (Let's try this again)
• Craft more: I want to make something at least once/month and blog it. Even if that means phoning it in with a god's eye at the last hour of the month. Something. EVERYONE IS GETTING A GOD'S EYE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!
• Learn new skills: I want to get one chapter/week on this Python for Absolute Beginners book I've had sitting next to my bed for months. Let's DO IT!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no no no. But my sister became a "grandmother"... despite never having children.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. It was another reason for a shit year. My Grandma Kay left us in the nicest possible way this year, but she is sorely missed. The hole in my world is huge for such a little lady.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. We have a small child, and I hate the TSA. I really hate the TSA. Have I mentioned that I hate the TSA?

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
A sense of "I love my job." I've had it before and I know what it feels like.

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
It's kind of all a blur, and I think I'd rather not etch any of it anywhere.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

• Passed the PMP exam with flying colors. (Really. flying.)
• Navigated some really muddy transitions at work
• Didn't get ANY visits from Child Protective Services!

9. What was your biggest failure?

• Settling. Waiting in my chair when asked to do so. The people who asked me to sit quietly would not have done so if asked, and that's my big lesson. I should have been long, long gone, months and months ago. I think I've learned a lot about politics and alignment since, but at what cost?

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

• Nothing out of the ordinary

11. What was the best thing you bought?

• I bought Paul a broken motor. He loves that kind of thing.
• I guess it's telling that I can't think of anything. So much crap to buy, and nothing of value to remember!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

• Paul has been something of a hero, taking care of a screamy baby, a frequently unhappy wife, and a very sick mother, while trying to get some studying in on the side.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

• I can just say, I've learned that people can have big impact on you even when they are a few steps removed, and you should keep your eye on all of them, all of the time. Don't assume malice is needed to destroy things; it could just be a blithely destructive nature.

14. Where did most of your money go?

• Savings and rent. Actually, no, taxes. Pentagon! Oh boy. Let's be clear that I do not mind paying taxes. I would gladly pay more taxes, even, but I want to have Single Payer Health care instead of all these wasteful wars.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

• Molly. Everything she does is clearly the awesomest thing any child has ever done in the history of humanity. I mean, really. Have you ever seen such an amazing child? Why just the other day, she did just the cutest thing...

16. What songs/bands will always remind you of 2011?

• Hopefully, none.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

• End of 2010, I was happy but anxious. End of 2011, I was just happy to see 2011 go. I guess I'm tempered quite a lot. This has not been a happy year.

ii. thinner or fatter?
Fatter.

iii. richer or poorer?
Richer. I mean, I have more money I guess.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

• Exercise. Career-tracking

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

• Working in the suggested confines I was given. I should have moved quickly and drastically, and without so much fear. (on the other hand, it is hard when you are the sole provider for two others)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

• I spent Christmas with family as always. But this time, at home, not at Grandma Kay's house, for the first time I can ever remember. It was still nice though. Christmas is the best.

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?

• Well, of course I did.

23. What's on your night stand?

• Earplugs, which Molly keeps trying to steal
• half a glass of water, because I drink lots of water in my sleep
• alarm clock that I no longer use because I use my Android phone
• Glasses-because I'm legally bind in one eye
• ballpoint pen, which I should use to journal every night before bed
• My Ten-Year Journal which allows just a few sentences per night
• a fancy phone new Android phone which I can't use because it is misbehaving
• The case for my NTI nightguards

24. What were your favorite TV programs?
Still just The Daily Show and The Colbert Report


(what happened to 25?)


26. What was the best book you read?
Probably some crafting and parenting books. I've been really bad about finishing books lately.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

• I discovered that with Spotify, I can relive some truly bad music from my childhood.

28. What did you want and get?

• I wanted to get my PMP certification. I did it!

29. What did you want and not get?

• It must be obvious by now, I wanted to get myself into a role that is a better fit, and I did not.
• OH OH OH. And I went through about 36 hours of seriously really very much so wanting to buy a Dorsoduro.

30. What was your favorite film(s) of this year?

• I haven't set foot in a movie theater in a few years.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

• I turned 34. It was a great day. Paul got me an awesome blinking tiara, I got to have cupcakes with Jenni Williams (I KNOW!), and Amber India for dinner with family.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

• Torn between "serenity to accept the things I cannot change" and "courage to change the things I can." I suppose that leaves me with "wisdom to know the difference." But I'm leaning toward #2: Courage.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

• First half of the year: "I just had a baby, screw it."
• Second half of the year: "hmmm, I guess I should really start to worry about this."
• Also, I got a standing desk, which has changed my footwear choices

34. What kept you sane?

• The quiet moments. Taking Molly for a walk to examine leaves on the ground. Sitting on the couch with Paul after Molly is in bed. 
• The words "Now that I know Rebecca is handling this, I know it will be fine." and other such votes of confidence. I know I do good work, and I do best when I can work with people who need me and value me. Kicking ass at work makes me feel great.

35. Which celebrity/public figure(s) did you fancy the most?

• Every single year, I have no idea how to answer this. "Celebrity?"

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

• Rootstrikers. Until we get the money out of politics, NOTHING in politics matters. All the political issues we get worked up about are just manifestations of this root problem.

37. Who did you miss?

• The list gets longer this year with Grandma Kay joining her husband.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

• I really need to get out more

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

• You can work as hard as you want building a vibrant, wonderful, productive city, but all it takes is one Godzilla to destroy Tokyo. It's not even necessarily personal. I don't know if this means you shouldn't bother working so hard, or that you should work so hard that Godzilla can't get you. Or some, third thing about developing anti-Godzilla laserbeam technology.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

You made me doubt, you made me fear
But now I´m not the same
...
I don´t pretend that I love you
'Cause there is nothing left to lose

First Sentence of the month for 2010!

January
Having this 4 day weekend has been heaven.

From 2010

February
The past month?
We've been puttering mostly, keeping the seats warm at our local beer-serving cafe, dealing with the house, crafting, etc.
(no photos!)

March
So! What did we do this weekend?

From 2010

April
I took a week off last week, and thought that I would get lots of work done on my quilt embroidery, and that I would be able to finally use the time to catch up on work.

From 2010

May
It is the coming of the pockyclypse!

From 2010.05.28 to 31 McCloud Trip

June
Paul and I needed a vacation.

From 2010

July
Oh! They are here!

From 2010

August
(no sentences)

From 2010

(yes, this is staged. I did not just drink 3 beers.)

September
So the blog is stopped up, and I know exactly why.

From 2010

October
It is now nearly one week late, but...

From 2010.10.08 Molly 0th birthday

November
Halloween came and went this year, and I never even got to have candy corn.

From 2010.10 Molly

December
Oh how the time passes!

From 2010.10 Molly

Yearly thingie

Looking back at last year's blog posts around this time, I realize I had a much more interesting life back then. Now it's "what have you been up to lately?" "Baby, baby, blah blah blah..." Seriously, it's like hearing someone talk about their cat. "why just the other day, she did just the cutest thing!"


I've been using this inventory for the past few years or so. a lot of these things don't seem to apply to me very well anymore, but I'm always loathe to give up anything that might be *tradition* so here it is:



1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?

• Bought life insurance
  
• Changed a diaper
• Owned a car (still no license to drive it, though)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Considering I couldn't remember what any of them were, seems unlikely. But let's see what I wrote:

Career:

• Keep my job. - Uh, well, I did this, sort of.
  
• Grow my responsibilities and cross-functional work - Shrug. I think I did that.
  
• Do my damn PMP thing - Ahem. Ooops. But I did get farther along!
  

Health:

• Continue "running," specifically continue improving my cardiovascular health - Total fail there. I was actually in pretty good shape last year around this time, running on the order of 3-4 time/week, and increasing speed and endurance every time (not much compared to others, but I was only comparing to ME) I was all set to run through pregnancy, until I got incredibly bad RLP around 14 weeks or so, so much I was nearly in tears. The last time I ran/jogged, I was nearly doubled over in pain for about 45 minutes afterward. I have a pretty high threshold for pain, so I knew that was not a good thing. Too bad, because I enjoyed it. Now I can't find the time at all.
  

Financial

• Max out my 401K - check!
  
• Meet the cash savings goals Paul and I are finalizing tonight - Well, just about. The money is there, it's just in different places, since the 529 had a big minimum investment. That's not cash, so I guess we technically failed on this one, by a hair.
  

Other

• Have monthly crafting day at my house with family and friends - yep! Except for October and December, which were way too busy.
  
• See my friends more - well, yes and no. Some people are really hard to get time with. Others, not so difficult. Wish people weren't spread so far apart. We spend a lot of time going back up to the East Bay, and it is worth it.
  

Well, that's not as bad as I thought. What about the coming year?? I just finally sat down to do this. Here we go:

Career:

• Keep my job.
  
• Grow my responsibilities and cross-functional work with an emphasis on projects that people who "matter" will actually recognize. (perhaps I should also resolve to stop working with/for people who refuse to recognize things around them?) Actually, this might be a reflection of working to mature my understanding of the organization's project portfolio prioritization. Ooh! big words!
  
• Do my damn PMP thing - No, really! I mean it this time! I finally have gotten through some of the mental roadblocks and stuff.
• Finish the Stanford Advanced Project Management certification in Q1
  

Health:

• Q1: Use Molly's nighttime nap (if there is one) to use the little exercise bike. - I'm too stretched to make big resolutions here. There is zero give in my schedule to sneak off to the gym. Yes, I much prefer running at the gym, and I MUCH prefer morning workouts, and I KNOW half the time I'll be running back in to shake her back to sleep, and it will be the shittiest workout ever. But what can I do? Besides hire a nanny. Maybe that will be Q2.
  

Financial

• Max out my 401K by end of June
  
• Add $X to our savings accounts each month. (X being a number we agreed on. Not sure I should really list the dollar amount publicly)
• Add $X to our 529 for Molly each month. (X being a number we agreed on, that, according to all of the college savings calculators, will end up making public college administrators laugh at her and say "oh, it's too bad your parents didn't really love you!")

Other

• Have monthly crafting day at my house with family and friends. (already scheduled Q1)
• Keep a journal daily, at least 90% of days
• Create a will/trust by the end of March
  

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I have a new niece! And my husband's wife gave birth too! I was totally there for that!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
We lost our kitty in July. She was a huge character in the plotline of Rebecca and Paul, so that was really tough.

5. What countries did you visit?
We spent some time in redneck country, CA. Does that count? I don't think there will be much international travel in our near future, and this makes me sad. On the other hand, I really don't want to fly anymore, as I don't feel like grappling with the choice between an unproven radiation blast for my daughter, or teaching her that it's ok for random strangers to feel her up for no goddam reason.


6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Sleep? Not possible? OK, how about my drivers license, and my PMP?

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 8th. Well, duh, because I got this really nice water bottle at El Camino Hospital that day. And a baby.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

• I narrowly avoided gestational diabetes, despite my best efforts.
• Managed to go through the whole pregnancy thing without using to many pregnancy cards. Not a lot of "move aside, I'm a Pregnant Lady!" or "can't do that. Pregnant." or "LOOK. I'm Pregnant. Center of the universe, here! Magical Vessel, and some other crap." One of the nicest things someone told me when I was like 8 months pregnant was "we weren't sure if you were pregnant, because you seem so *normal*" The last few weeks of pregnancy were hard, because I was at home (no AC) and it was like 110 degrees. I should have stayed at work where there was air conditioning and non-stop frozen yogurt.
  
• I had a baby without telling my husband I hated him, like they always do in the movies. It really wasn't that bad. Try the epidural, people! It is awesome!
• Managed to get a promotion, while on maternity leave! I should go on leave more often. Maybe absence makes the office heart grow fonder?
• I did not scream at some really stupid, maddening people. I often consider it a win when I am able to keep my opinion to myself.
  

9. What was your biggest failure?
I didn't teach my fetus three different languages in-utero. I still have not submitted my PMP application. This is something of a tradition, now.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I just got sick like three days ago, which I managed to avoid for the past year or so. That's pretty good, I think. I try to avoid inventorying all of the various ailments I had during pregnancy. They sucked, but not that bad.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Buying a car was a good idea. The Miracle Blanket is a close second though!


12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Paul was so good to me while I was pregnant. He carted me around to all of my appointments and helped me vacuum at 10pm near then end (when a spider tried to KILL ME)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Stupid dumb Democratic Party. You deserve what you get for abandoning your constituents and failing to deliver on ANYTHING. Repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell came a little late for re-election.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Savings and rent. We have not had to buy much baby stuff, because: 1.) Babies don't really need that much, and 2.) we have incredibly generous and supportive family and friends.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Obviously, having a little person in the house!

16. What songs/bands will always remind you of 2010?
Can't think of anything.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Happier

ii. thinner or fatter?
Fatter.

iii. richer or poorer?
Richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise. Keeping in touch.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Pissing away time on the intertubes. There is an unlimited amount of information out there, but trying to consume too much of it interferes with the things we should really be doing.


20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent Christmas with family as always.
22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
I got to fall in love with Paul, as a dad this year. He is fantastic with Molly and it is a joy to see him as a whole new person.

23. What's on your night stand?

• Earplugs, which I don't have to use every night anymore.
  
• water bottle from my stint in the hospital, because I drink lots of water in my sleep
  
• alarm clock *same as last year
• Glasses-because I'm legally bind in one eye *same as last year
• ballpoint pen and an old packing list
• Iron pills because being pregnant made me slightly anemic
• Toilet paper roll because I'm congested from being sick
  
• a fancy phone which I also am not yet used to *same as last year
• The case for my NTI nightguard, which I still love *same as last year
  

24. What were your favorite TV programs?
We still don't have TV but we still watch The Daily Show and Colbert Report on the internet for free, though lately we've been too busy


(what happened to 25?)


26. What was the best book you read?
Various baby books. How lame is that?

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
89.1 FM KCEA. It is THE BEST.

28. What did you want and get?
Baby. Check. Healthy baby. Check! Healthy adorable baby! CHECK!

29. What did you want and not get?
Still have not met my friends' second daughter. Android tablet?

30. What was your favorite film(s) of this year?
Another year without setting foot in a movie theater. We did go to the opera though! This makes us sound snootier and higher-brow than we actually are.


31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Spent the day with Paul and my sister, painting ceramics in Willow Glen. A few days later, Paul took me to a really nice dinner in campbell. I turned 33!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More time with friends. It feels like such an operation to get together with people anymore. People are so busy now I guess?


33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Not spending terribly much money on things you can only wear for 9 months.
I had a funny realization early one when I started trying on maternity clothes. All my life, in a dressing room, when I'd throw something on and think "this makes me look pregnant" I would then throw it into the "no" pile. I did that a few times before reminding myself that everything was making me look pregnant, because, well, I was pregnant.

34. What kept you sane?
knowing that it would all end soon and turn into a different kind of hell. Knowing that most things are temporary, except for Paul-- he is forever and he keeps everything right in my life.

35. Which celebrity/public figure(s) did you fancy the most?
shrug. Don't care.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Fix Congress First. Nothing else will matter until we fix congress. It doesn't matter who you elect as long as they are just working for the lobbyists to keep them in office.

37. Who did you miss?
It's the same every year. Always miss my grandfather and James. I miss living in SF and Berkely, where most of our friends are.



38. Who was the best new person you met?
Molly! she's the newest person I know.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

You really can get what you want just by screaming a whole bunch. Even if what you want it for someone to touch your poop.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

hmm, I got nothing. How about a picture instead?

From 2010.10.08 Molly 0th birthday

Weepiness bookends my time off with Molly, as preparing to go back to work has made me more sad than I'd like.

It's not that I don't want to go back to work-- I really do need to get back to something other than diapers and rocking and shushing. It's just that I want to stay home too. I want it all. Actually, I don't even want to stay home, I just want to be at two places at once, for more of the day. I'm sad to give up my morning time with Molly, and being there to feed her whenever she is hungry. I will be gone during the most enjoyable time of her day-- by the evenings, she has usually turned into a fussy baby due to fighting off all of her naps. Smiles are easy in the morning:

From 2010.10 Molly

For a few days, I was able to really work on getting her naps, and she went to bed relatively easily those nights. But I have to give up on that now. She hates napping, she hates to go to bed. The screaming is obnoxious and we suppose she is too early to let her cry herself to sleep (that's MY job!)

We are lucky that she will be with Paul during the day, and me at night. No daycare. For one thing, we couldn't even afford it. At the same time, we are unlucky that we are going to each be on our own with her at our times, and rarely seeing each other. The timing is tight-- no more late nights at work, no more gym, no more shuttle (too damn slow) but it is going to work. And for now, at least, she'll be with one of her parents most of the time. Lucky girl! Lucky us! Even if it doesn't always feel lucky in the moment, while trying to calm her screaming. In hindsight, we'll remember it the way parents do-- too short.

From 2010.10 Molly

I still have tons of maternity leave time to take but I'm not sure how best to go about it. No matter what it will impact my work heavily, and I have a hard time accepting that. We're working on the best strategy-- time it for four months when we might think about sleep training? Take it in large chunks or short ones interspersed throughout the year? Which will be less damaging to my career? Which will be best for us as a family? Which might be used for other things, like a family vacation?

For now, I'm just focused on this week, as it clashes with Paul's schedule to make for a really hard week.

Oh Boy! Laundry!

As we are closing out week two with a newborn, let me tell all of my non-parent friends out there: DON'T DO IT. Your friends with kids have been cooing to you about how it's so great? They must have forgotten the newborn part, or are secretly wishing hell on you.
OK, so I guess the third option is that this part passes and then it's all worth it. But let's be honest, newborns are terrible roommates. They are amoral psychopaths, and if you are lucky they are cute enough to make up for trampling your life and sanity. It is not a good time, for anyone, except maybe the grandparents and visitors. "Oh how cute! she's sleeping! she's so sweet! ... OK, time for us to go. (back to our nice quiet house where we may sleep as long as we like)"

Here's what's working:

• Our laundry detergent. We switched to Charlies a few weeks ago to prep for cloth diapering. A lot of people think their cloth diapers aren't working, and what is really wrong is they are using the wrong detergent. Once w switched to Charlies and got our household laundry through a few times, we noticed that our dishtowels are actually absorbing water! Imagine that! Normal detergents leave all kinds of crap on your laundry that prevent this. Also, no dryer sheets-- those also ruin your clothes' natural absorbency.
• Cloth diaper wipes. So if you are doing cloth diapers, you should use cloth diaper wipes. Everything all goes in the same bin, easy as pie. (unless you are doing diaper service, which, well, lucky you, then. But actually washing our own diapers has not been all that difficult) I made these out of a flannel sheet from goodwill.
  
• Line drying diapers really does work to get the stains out-- if there is sun. Which is starting to fade as we get into Autumn around here, but that's OK, because the heat sucked, and I love the rain and fog.
• In short, cloth diapering is not so bad. So there, old bag. We are doing a lot of laundry, but we are glad that number of diapers is not going in the landfill.
  

What doesn't work:

• Pretty much everything else
• "Sleep when she sleeps!" Yeah, right! Let's see, when does she sleep? When we are out running errands, and when she is being held, and when there are people over (probably mostly because they are holding her). The propaganda you'll get before having a baby will say things like "be prepared-- your baby will probably wake every 2-3 hours" which sounds fucking awesome to me! I would kill to get sleep in 2-3 hour chunks right now. Rather, she screams every time we put her down. ESPECIALLY at night. She does nap some during the day as we are doing stuff, but if we lay down to nap, it wakes her up. And at night? no fucking way. She has this really active, agitated state from like 12-6 am every night where nothing you do will calm her down. All you can do is hold her to keep her from screaming. For several hours, while your spouse gets some sleep in the other end of the house with earplugs. Then you switch, so the other can sleep while the first sleeps for a few. Swaddling seems to make her more agitated, though we are not quite giving up on it yet. I want this 2-3 hour waking baby desperately. I obsess about sleep now. My days are OK, but as the sun goes down, my emotional state gets worse and worse. Every fucking night.
• "Make sure to eat well so you can heal and feed." Another ridiculous piece of advice. The first three days I was home I was constantly starving, but could not eat because 1. no time, and 2. I had terrible swelling and needed to get a special no-salt diet. Can you imagine that I suddenly had time to prepare special food for myself? Thankfully my mom and sister came with homemade low-salt meals for the freezer. Now the swelling is gone but I still can't put her down long enough to even toast a bagel without her getting upset. Just now I put her down for a second to zap some of my mom's soup because I'm starving. When I came back and found her sleeping, I had to choose-- skip dinner or skip sleep? It's like she knows when I will and will not be able to join her in a nap.
• "Take it easy the first few days to recover." OMG. I was not at all prepared for how shitty the physical recovery would be. I feel like this part was glossed over in the pregnancy books and junk, because I didn't have too bad of a time sucking up the pregnancy symptoms, but after birth, I am now in constant pain. I won't share all the details here. Suffice to say, it is a lot worse than people let on. Which makes me sad because I feel like I should be enjoying her, taking walks maybe, bouncing her up and down on my lap, running around doing stuff for and with her, but I can't. I've already been to the doctor twice for complications in my recovery from a complication-free delivery. Either they didn't tell me what to expect, or it's not turning out as well as it should normally.
  
• Maybe it's PPD. Here's a fun fact-- I cry every goddamn day. The baby cries, I cry. It's relentless. I don't think Paul is crying-- in fact, he is the only sanity in this house these days and I could not live without him. I almost can't bear to have other people over because I am so teary, especially at night. I even feel bad about feeling bad, which makes it a never ending loop of self-pity and self-loathing. Yay. And what's this about post-partum depression? Well, let's see? What would make me feel better-- some Prozac or therapy or whatever? Or, I don't know, maybe some sleep, a little less feeling like I couldn't help my baby feel better, and if I wasn't in physical pain every second of the day. I really think the insurance companies should consider nannies as treatment for "PPD" since probably most of these cases are easily explained without blaming hormones or chemical imbalances-- it's too obvious-- why *shouldn't* you be depressed if you are going through this? The worst is realizing that while other people are looking at your baby and seeing absolute joy, you are looking at your baby and seeing a mix of absolute joy blended with the horror of a bottomless pit of need. The exact ratio depends on your mood and how loudly/long she is crying.

In short, things are not looking good in your life when the only thing going right is *laundry.*
I keep telling myself that this will be temporary but I don't really know what that means. Will she suddenly start sleeping more and not requiring constant holding? Will we finally break down and drive to Home Depot to pick up a trabajaro to hold her whilst we nap? (yes! I am voting for this one) I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing with her now-- all the crappy baby books and shit talk about babies and reading to them and playing with them and all this shit, how you can help them sleep by having patterns and activities, but they also say something about awake and sleep times as though she had separate periods of nap vs. awake. It really seems more like screaming vs. sleeping. And this active sleepy area where she is just pissed off. I suspect these crap baby books are just written rather poorly and gloss over the newborn phase. At least that's what I'm telling myself so I can have hope that this will pass. It's that, or I just got stuck with a baby that will never sleep. Or possibly, she got stuck with shitty parents who don't know how to help her sleep like the nice babies in the books. Sorry baby, you got a shit mother. We can't all win at this game.

All told, everyone is happy and healthy. Well, Molly is anyway. I'm still working on healthy for me. On Tuesday morning before feeding, she was up to 7lbs 15 oz, so I guess she's growing like a weed, and that's a good thing. Also she eats really fast, which is good because I have shit to do. Pediatrician says everything looks fantastic. She's definitely filling out a lot from her birth-- she even has jowls, particularly when we strap her into the car seat.

Yesterday it occurred to me that changing the diapers of a screaming brat for a few months might actually be a welcome respite from doing front line support and being attacked by whiny adults for no goddamn reason. At least I can tell myself the screaming baby isn't just being an asshole.

There are not words for how stupid busy my days have been, and yet I cannot actually make progress on projects that matter, with the incessant piling on of stupid work. I look at the growing pile and become numb to it. The good news is, it will be over in less than a week, and all the projects shoveled to someone else along with the stupid work. I actually would have liked to work longer on the projects, but found that if I did not set a date, I just got more stupid work to pile on, and never time to do the project work. So! Wednesday is my last day! Then it's all someone else's problem. I am actually waaay more excited about this than I thought I would be when I set the date.

I can barely remember to breathe at times, and yesterday I spent my entire yoga class thinking about someone who had just laid into me for no reason. Totally not what yoga class is supposed to be for, right?

So work is not good. But it is nearly gone for a while.
At home, I have the most fantastic husband in the world to come home to. He keeps me sane, and I don't think he even knows he is doing it.

We moved the bed aside to make space for the Giant Baby Bed Thingy. Again, like the cat, how can such a tiny little critter take up so much space??? The past few nights she's been moving a whole bunch and I finally started getting what I assume to be contractions, but either they only happen at night, or I only notice them at night because I don't have time for them during the day. No, this doesn't mean anything is happening, or happening soon, it's just stuff. Could be stuff for several weeks.

We are just about squared away on "crap we need" with just a few more diapers needed. I think we'll be picking up the remainder this weekend at Tiny Tots in Campbell. Then we have to strip and wash all of them. And then? We wait...

Kitty

This post is for me and not particularly of interest if you are not me.

On July 19th, we had to part ways with kitty. The night before that was one of the worst of my life. It's both a blessing and a curse that she went relatively quickly-- she only seemed unwell for maybe a week, but we were still in shock when we had to say goodbye.

It's been about two months, and I still sometimes think she's going to greet me when I come home. I still have to fight urge to meow into the hall to say hello when I open the door. Every part of the house and garden is a place where I remember her habits. She was huge in our life, always nearby, and never in the background like most cats.
"Let's take our coffee into the yard."
"OK, shall I grab the cat, or you?"

She suited Paul perfectly and I worried terribly about him when we lost her.

Everywhere in the house seems to miss her, that sunspot she used to sit in, that stairway of boxes we arranged so she could reach the window, the place she used to sleep in the hall when we were at opposite end of the house.

The way she insisted on coming into the bathroom in the morning to sit while I took a shower, and then demanded to leave while I got ready. At the last house, she'd had a habit of jumping into the bathtub after the shower was turned off.

The way she would always want to sit in between us on the couch-- a mean spirited and jealous cat!

The way she used to sit up on the counter at the old place and swat at the shadows of the birds at the feeder, getting her claws stuck in the curtain.

The way she would yell and bang on the door if Paul went into the front bathroom with her locked out.

In the winter, she would sit by the fire on the floor with us, purring, in a very cat-like state of sweet coziness.

The way she would get your attention and then get you to follow her down the hallway to a certain spot in the kitchen "Let me show you my food bowl!"

The way she'd fight me for my spot at the table-- at the old house she would literally hop into my chair if I got up. At this house, she would just stake a claim under the chair before I got there.

The way she'd sit in my lap if I sat in the reclining chair in the study. This was a cat who never sat in anyone's lap besides Paul. Something about that chair.

The way she'd occasionally get a wild hair up her ass and tear up and down the hallway yowling. This didn't happen as much in the end, presumably because she couldn't run that well with three legs.

She caught a snail once in the backyard of the house we live in now, which must have been a fine moment, since she'd not been much of a hunter for years.

The way she used to love to curl up in the closet of my sewing room on some pile of cordura, which was her favorite material.

The way she would come yelling down the hall when I came home and follow me into the bedroom while I put my stuff down so I could properly pet her up on my return. For a cat that pretended to be standoffish most of the time, she was always pretty excited to see me return. Which lasted for minutes before she went right back to hating me.

Once, we had cut out some crayon and paper antlers and stuck them to her head before walking to dinner when Paul lived in Berkeley; we came home to the adorable sight of the silhouette of a reindeer-cat waiting for us in the window.

When Paul lived in Berkeley, the three of us would spend a lot of time in the garage. She loved to explore all the shelves and stacks of junk, and sometimes get stuck there and require rescue.

The way she would spread out over the night, cramming Paul and I into maybe half of the bed while she got the rest.

The way she'd sit in the yard with us while we drank our coffee, protesting loudly when the spot she'd chosen in the sun made her too hot.

And on and on... this post is for me, and I may add to it later.

In the end, here is what happened:
After a long time of monitoring and treatment, her kidneys finally failed. Kidney failure is very common in older cats. At the same time, however, she also had a large growth, a tumor, that was blocking her colon basically, which we found out about only on her last night. Together these things were not treatable, and I'm only thankful that this turn for the worse seemed to be only the last week of her life. It was painful to see her suffer, but I think it was not terribly long.

I know some people will wonder if this has to do with the carcinoma she had last year, and do we regret drawing it out. First: no, it is not from her carcinoma, and second, no, I do not in any way regret the decision we made to amputate to stop the bone cancer. After recovery, she was basically back to her old self, and the time we got with her was good for all of us-- she was a happy cat (in her own mean-spirited, bitter old lady kind of way) and I do believe that the kidney disease and tumor in her gut were not related. Anyone facing feline carcinoma should trust their vet in that a cat can recover and be very happy for many years with only three legs. (which is still one more leg than I have!)

The cat was overly central to our daily life. I guess some people just have cats as background noise, but we pretty much considered her in every part of our day, and miss her terribly. Some people have made pretty insensitive comments about her being gone, and I'm just going to say that you don't replace a cat any more than you replace a family member. I won't offer to get you a new mom or son or spouse to replace the one that just passed, as though you ran out of toilet paper and I know where you can get some more for a good price. You may have had your ups and downs but losing a family member is not a joke. Making a decision to put a pet down, and then living through one last painful night together, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Of course, the reality of loving anyone is that some day you will have to say goodbye. But it is always too soon to say goodbye.

From 2005.04.09 Seattle

From 2005.04.09 Seattle

From 2005.04.09 Seattle

From 2006

From 2006

From 2008

From 2007

From 2008

From 2009

Blogstipated

So the blog is stopped up, and I know exactly why. Knowing why hasn't made it any easier to clear up.
When I have something in process that seems important, and that post isn't finished, it keeps me from posting anything else. This one has been stopped up since July.

The post I had in work turned out to be too much, and it could never be finished. So it will go up, and it will be added to going forward, and anyway, it wasn't for you to read, it was just for me to post, to keep it in a safe place. Because it needs a safe place to go. It's a memories post, and it's really just for me, and for the memories I'm adding to it.

Other than that, I've been keeping busy, too busy, and so I have a lot of catch up to do here.

Keep you Judgments and Hands Inside the Vehicle at All Times

About three weeks ago, I finally gave up and passed the threshold of "fuck it, I'm showing, time to move into tents."

You almost fit in your regular clothes. Some of them still fit. But you have maternity clothes, and as soon as you put one of these ridiculous things on, you immediately go from "not visibly pregnant" to "holy crap, that lady is huge"

It would be nice if there was an in-between wardrobe. But I'm too cheap to buy a new wardrobe every month anyway.

So, now I gave up and I'm just goddam pregnant.

And being pregnant means suddenly everyone has a place in my business.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are times when I ask people for advice about specific things, and I really appreciate their insights. Then there is the old bag who asked me about diapers and then smugly laughed when I said "we're going to try cloth." "HAW! Yeah, that won't last!" I guess she felt important, passing on her superior wisdom in such a condescending way, but all I could think was "I'm sorry you and yours were too lazy to care about the future and would ridicule us for making an effort, you fucking old sow."

Fortunately, I still have an inside voice. Sometimes.*

So, actually, yes, we are going to try cloth diapers. We have every intention of making that work. I know people who have made it work, and I know it can be done. Since every single diaper ever made is still in a landfill, it's important enough to me that I'm willing to deal with the extra inconvenience. Will we be 100%? Probably not, but we'll do better than that bitter old bag.

I mean, I understand people not really "getting" what you are doing, but can't they just keep their judgments to themselves?

And, look, I've gone through it before. "a motorcycle? I had one, but I crashed and they are too dangerous." or "you'll change your mind after you crash." No, they are not too dangerous-- you just don't know how to ride or wrongly assessed and mitigated risks, and no I didn't change my mind, and yeah, I know what it feels like to fall off and roll through the road while my bike spirals out away from me. And then walk away because I was riding with proper protection.



Another "fun" thing people like to pass on is this huge secret wisdom the speaker is going to let you in on:
"Oh, it's going to change your whole life. You can't possibly be prepared." or "Oh having kids is so much work."
Uh, thanks. I had no idea? I thought it would be like that time I stopped in the park to pet a puppy, and then five minutes later I walked away and forgot about it because I saw a squirrel eating a slice of pizza.

How about:
"Your life is over; you won't be able to do anything anymore."
No, I'm pretty sure that was your choice to totally give up your lifestyle and then blame your baby. Variations of this one actually make me kind of sad for the people that tell you, in essence, having a baby ruined their life. I know they don't actually mean that, well I hope they don't. But it's pretty sad. And then they are trying to be a downer to you too, which is kind of lame.

On a more positive note though, as a sanity measure, I have a few families in mind as role models of how to do things right, people who say things like "this is work but it is the best thing ever, you guys totally have to try this!" I'm looking at you, Jesse.

(also, inspired by how a child could show a preference for dark beer at such a young age?)

and then "oh cool! She can ride my son's 50; this is going to be awesome!" Thanks, Clay!

And on and on. I've literally got a running list in my head of the parents and families that are my role models

I mean, we still need advice. (for instance, I asked one friend how old was his son when he got his first dirtbike? The answer is 5. And other friends gave me lots of good info about cloth diapering. Other friends gave us some insight into how potty training was going) But if you just feel the need to drop some judgmental "wisdom" just for the sake of feeling like you burst our bubble a bit? How about you use your inside voice?





*I make no guarantees as to how long this inside voice will last. Your results may vary.

I'm Going This Way!

We have known all along that I was pregnant, confirmed in late January. The due date is something like October 6. As of Tuesday, I'm 18 weeks pregnant. I could have waited longer to tell people since mostly the only people I see anymore are work folks, but I was starting to feel bad about it.

Here's the thing: I don't just want to talk about being pregnant. (people who can only talk about their kids drive me up the wall) In fact, so far, I don't really like the pregnancy bit. It's just a necessary means to an end we chose.


I went through most of my life pretty sure I was not interested in having children. And I got a lot of patronizing comments. I would change my mind. (I didn't). My biological clock would start ticking. (It didn't). When I met the right man, blah blah blah. Well, maybe. It was assumed that my lack of interest in children was a mark of immaturity, that I would, at some biologically determined time, "grow out of it" and become obsessed with breeding like everyone said.

It was insulting.

Paul is really good with kids-- he loves them, and they love him back. I think he'd make a great father and I'm excited about that. I think about how much I love my dad, and I think paul will be the kind of dad some kid will love too.

I'm not so sure about myself, but it's not really the point. Kids make me awkward, and they can smell my fear. Babies hold even less interest for me. Don't even get me started about their parents... sometimes the parents are even worse than the little children (something I learned doing large events with Girl Scouts-- sometimes the kids are more patient and understanding than their harpie helicopter parents)

But it's not the point, whether I changed my mind or not. I'm not sure I ever made my mind up. People assumed I would never have kids, but I don't think I ever said as much. Like a lot of things in my life, it's just another path to be on. I still have a pretty nice vision of how nice it has been, and would be, to go without children. It doesn't strike me as an empty place at all. In fact, I have a lot of dreams and goals that lie firmly on this path. I really enjoy my me time-- I think I'm pretty selfish. I want to have the freedom to drop what I'm doing and travel, go on a long ride through the desert on my little dirtbike, take that unmarked road through the Lost Coast, spend my savings on a trip to Italy.

But I can see the other side too.

There will be a different set of dreams and goals and mileage markers on this path-- many I couldn't even imagine. Never one to keep with the comfortable, I am ready to go into the uncharted territory, to slap some sharks. I can't wait to see how we change and grow, and who we become. We'll be the same, but different. I already know who we are now.

When I was in 7th Grade, we had to memorize this poem. I'm sure you've heard it, but unlike me, probably can't recite it in the shower:

THE ROAD NOT TRAVELED

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

~Robert Frost

Most people think this poem is titled "The Road Less Traveled," and assume the title refers to the teller's picking the more adventurous path that was less known. We're rugged individualists, us Americans, and we often interpret this as a glorification of taking of on an untraveled road, screw those conformists!

Maybe. But maybe, with its actual title, it could refer to the other road, the one he didn't take, the one popularly assumed to be common and pedestrian. I don't know why the one path is always assumed to be common and predictable while the other is the glorified adventurous one, since he says they are really about the same, and equal. I think the point is that he can only take one, and therefor never really know whether the other was as good, better, more adventurous, etc.

He just had to pick one. And that meant there was one he left not traveled.

You just have to pick one too.

I don't get very interested in most poetry, but this one has stuck with me all my life.
I've looked down both of these roads as far as I can, and they both look beautiful and adventurous. This one is just as fair, and having perhaps the better claim, because it's a little less of the same to me, and maybe a little more challenging. In the end, maybe I like Frost, can smugly look back on what a great decision I made. I hope we all can, no matter what decision we made. Either way it must have been the right one. Either way we'll be taken in ways we can't see now, but when we look back on them, we'll be so please we took the "right" path. In truth, either one was just as right, and in general we don't even know what we missed on the other one, but we're absolutely sure it couldn't have held a candle to the one we took. Thankfully we even believe that most of the time. We don't have any other choice unless we want to live our lives in second-guessing and regret (come to think of it, I've known people who spend lots of time sadly pondering about what might have been... LAME!)

I've always gotten the most enjoyment out of my stupidest ideas anyway? Hello Cal24, Sheetiron, Lost Coast without a map!

From 2003.05.17 SHEETIRON

(me after crashing like 6 times in 20 minutes. I should have been crying at this point, as I was clearly totally unable to handle the spot I had gotten myself in. However, I had entrusted James who said I could do this thing, and so I did, regardless of whether I should.)

Year-End Repetitive Navel-Gazing Thingie

I've been using this inventory for the past few years or so. a lot of these things don't seem to apply to me very well anymore, but I'm always loathe to give up anything that might be *tradition* so here it is:

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

• Saw a Grizzly Bear!
• Went Kayaking
• Visited the Lost Coast
• Took up "running"
  

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Seems unlikely... let's see, shall we? Here's what I said:

Career:

• apply for PMP, see if they'll accept my application to take the test
• develop a plan for career. When people ask me what I want to do in the future, I should have some sort of answer. Right now, I have no idea, and it is sort of embarrassing.

Health:

• I've decided to do the 100 pushup challenge! Because, why not? And I need trackable goals, as I don't do well with things like "lose weight" or "gain muscle"
• My main concern this year is getting my heart in shape. I need to talk with my doctor to be able to figure out exactly what this goal is, though.

Other:

• Max my 401K
• Save more cash for the shit economy
• Sew and craft more, and specifically: sew more and start making my own shampoo, etc. (the chemicals they use in body care products are really fucked up)
• Get Things Done.

Yikes, no career goals were met, probably because, as illustrated by #2, I'm not very career-goal oriented. I thought I'd get my PMP app squared away in the last two weeks which I was told would be quiet at work, but instead I was hammered by incessant "emergencies"
The 100 pushup challenge was going OK until it gave me severe back pain, at which time I switched to chest presses, which got lost in the move around August.
Oh, here's one! I DID improve my cardiac health-- I think I'm doing really well on that front! yays.

The "other" goals were met... maxed my 401k and stashed some more cash besides, despite a challenging financial year for us. It just goes to show that anyone can save, even someone living in one of the most expensive areas of the country with only one income for two people.
I did ok on "more crafts" especially now that I have a sewing room. We did make a lot for Christmas, which I'll divulge after Christmas is over (after Epiphany!)
I Got Things Done. Other Things, I did not Get Done.



So how about 2010 goals?

Career:

• Keep my job.
  
• Grow my responsibilities and cross-functional work
• Do my damn PMP thing

Health:

• Continue "running," specifically continue improving my cardiovascular health

Financial

• Max out my 401K
• Meet the cash savings goals Paul and I are finalizing tonight

Other

• Have monthly crafting day at my house with family and friends
• See my friends more
  

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I don't remember anything like that...

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
Canuckistan


6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
hmmm, a second income? oh! A GOAT! and renter's insurance

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
September 27th, 2009! Our first wedding anniversary, and we spent it with my entire family. How... romantic. :/

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I had some successes at work in a correcting an abandoned cross-functional project. That was relatively successful despite the complete abandonment from its previous owner.

More importantly, I handmade many of my Christmas gifts!

And, I stuck with "running" in spite of my inherent physical unfitness.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I still have not submitted my PMP application, despite my boss' not-always-gentle nagging

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
just little things like needing physical therapy after taking up "running"

11. What was the best thing you bought?
tickets to the South. Savannah and Charleston and surrounding swamps were beautiful.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I am so proud of Paul for deciding to go back to school, and persevering through all the red tape bullshit getting transcripts transferred (and opened) and all of that.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Teabaggers. Michelle Bachmann. OMG, Glenn Beck-- holy crap if I see him cry on TeeVee one more time I may jump through the TeeVee and strangle him.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Savings and rent.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Moving out of our shithole in Mountain View. It had been so depressing and we were so happy to leave.

16. What songs/bands will always remind you of 2009?

Is it sick that I really like Lady Gaga's videos, which I only know about because they occasionally have them playing at breakfast in the cafe I eat in at work?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Happier

ii. thinner or fatter?
Fatter.

iii. richer or poorer?
Richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading books, crafting, adventuring, learning

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I try to read the whole internet. It is to much, and I wish I could figure out how to stay so informed with less time. Without giving up all the cool blogs I read (yay Scienceblogs!)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent Christmas with family as always. This year, Paul and I finally had a house to put lights on and next year we hope to do more more more! I also spent quite a bit of time crafting for Christmas, with mostly good, and a few "uh, ok, that will have to do," results.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
I still fall! Every day!

23. How many one night stands?
No. I decided last year I'd change this question going forward to "What's on your night stand?"

• credit card from buying airline tickets last night
• glass of water, almost exactly half full, from drinking water in my sleep last night
• alarm clock-- truly alarming. I got it for Christmas and still have not gotten used to it
• Glasses-because I'm legally bind in one eye
• two red pens
• a piece of thread left from sewing in bed (what, I don't know)
• an fancy phone which I also am not yet used to
• The case for my NTI nightguard, which I still love
  

24. What were your favorite TV programs?
We still don't have TV but we still watch The Daily Show and Colbert Report on the internet for free, though lately we've been too busy


(what happened to 25?)

26. What was the best book you read?
Confederates in the Attic

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
89.1 FM KCEA. It is THE BEST.

28. What did you want and get?
I desperately wanted to move from the shithole in Mountain View, and I am so happy with the place we live now. It is a boring place, but at least we don't have tweakers on our roof anymore.

Also, very importantly, a clean bill of health for my mother-in-law after some particularly nasty cancer treatment.

29. What did you want and not get?
ahem, have I mentioned A GOAT?
OK, what I really wanted and did not get was a Mission Motors electric bike hottness. I know they do not exist for reals yet, but the proof-of-concept bike was SO much fun to ride.
Really... I guess there are few crafty buildy projects around the house I'd like.. like the glass display table and the ribbon/notions rack in the sewing room.

30. What was your favorite film(s) of this year?
We didn't go to the movies this year a single time. It's a total ripoff.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My parents were out of town, so we totally had a party at their house! It was nice: Paul BBQ'd, people brought their kids over to swim, and a nice mellow time was had by us old farts. I turned 32.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
My grandfather. I think of him every day, and James too.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
I can't afford fancy new clothes, and they are all made in China anyway.
I do like little bits of handmade jewelry though, and Paul got me several cute necklaces. And I got nice accessories from Etsy and my knitting mother... handmade FTW!

34. What kept you sane?
My dear patient husband... who watches me blow up on a regular basis and supports me when I take on too much. My job, which I love, and all the supporting stuff around that that removes roadblocks in my life (I don't have to cook! or join a gym! or have a cold butt when I got to the bathroom!)

35. Which celebrity/public figure(s) did you fancy the most?
Jon Stewart? Rachel Maddow?

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Healthcare reform. We need a public option!

37. Who did you miss?
My grandfather and James, who are gone

My friends, who are all too far away or busy

38. Who was the best new person you met?
New person? There are new people out there?

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

As Colbert noted the other night when talking with Tom Brokaw, a few hundred noisy people can become the majority in this country just by making a scene.

Also, don't count on there being jobs available-- you need savings, and a lot of it

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I don't know... something about being poor but in love. We don't need money really.