Monday, September 25, 2006

or maybe I was just reacting to something my boss said

This weekend was another baby shower. Everybody's having babies. I'm not really a baby person, but I do like Jesse and Amy's baby, Quinn, so maybe that's changing? I don't know. But I think it will be pretty neat to be an aunt. And I'm excited for my brother.

So we went to the Turner Compound Friday night. Ben and Megan were flying into Oakland, and would show up later, and we would stay up all Friday night drinking wine and eating chocolate.

Except that's not what happened. Instead, we got to the Turner Compound, looked at some old family photos, then I got sick and had food poisoning and spent Friday night puking every 30-40 minutes. Good times. I felt like shit the rest of the weekend too. Saturday night I wasn't puking but my stomach had a war of the worlds going on inside it, and it was so noisy and bubbly and gurgly, it sounded like we were camping next to a babbling brook.


Sadly, I did not enjoy much festivity with the family this weekend, but I did get to drink mai tais during a few hours of OK-feeling on Saturday evening.

I feel mostly better now. But I feel cheated out of a weekend.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

OK Fine

This semester's failure is official: I've dropped my Mandarin class.


I have too many things on my plate. Mandarin was more important, but the opther class is online, and a lot easier for me to fit into my schedule. Feh.

Bu hao! Bu hao!

Wo yao ren shuo putong hua. Wo bu yao wan Zhongguo. You meiyou ren?

Not that I have time for that either.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Windoze Can Blow Me

How is it that my bottom-of-the-line 12" iBook is blowing my top-of-the-line Windoze graphics machine out of the water in dealing with Illustrator files?

I know Illustrator is a notorious pig and party-crasher, but this is ridiculous.

Next time my IT wonk suggests "upgrading" me to another $3000 machine, I'm gonna suggest he spend $800 on a little student-sized Apple, and spend the savings on beer.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Getting run over by a train is fucking retarded, OK?
No, you don't get my sympathy.
These trains need to run faster, not slower.

If you're concerned about it, stop spawning stupid humans, and you'll have no problems with it, mmmmkay?

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

I want to cry

It's been a long time since my caller ID has shown James Cornell calling me.

my gloves are ready at Helimot.


Awesome weekend, in the middle of all this hectic-ness.
Thursday I went and purchased Adobe Illustrator finally. I'd been putting it off... but I really need it for my work and sanity. With the student discount, it was only $100. School has paid for itself!

Then I rushed over to Laguna Honda to visit James. Which was more crowded than I would have liked. I can't take the crowds, but am glad he is getting so much love.

Friday night we went to Lanesplitter and saw Daniel, who is doing well. Yay!

Saturday we went to a wedding in the afternoon, then an after-wedding party at the Rats clubhouse in the evening. Which is a rare appearance for us. It was nice to see folks, and I drank too much crappy beer, so Sunday morning, I had a hangover.

I felt worse than I expected, and begged Paul to get me hangover treats, which he did, despite the fact that he really wanted to sleep, and really should have been cleaning up around the house in preparation for visitors. He returned with my 7Up and Salt & Vinegar chips, which made me feel human very quickly.

My sister arrived and we had a wonderful visit. After gawking at the reptiles and amphibians at the Vivarium, we had ice cream at Sketch on 4th Street, and grazed the cheese at the Pasta Shop. We went for a hike and picnic at the Albany Bulb (feral cats and a pelican), then got some shitty screwtop wine and went to Aquatic Park to subject my sister to ducks and geese (and a few cranes). Dinner at Priya (yum) and then, damn the Templebar closed as we walked back. Feh.

Monday we went up to the UC campus and fed squirrels (which were very aggressive, and climbed all over Paul), then we went up to the tower for a view, and then out to Tilden Park looking for some brush-clearing goats Paul promised. We couldn't find them, so we went to the Little Farm and pet those goats and slapped the sheep a little. Also a few cows, more ducks and geese, some showy turkeys and roosters, and boring bunnies.

A quick walk to Jewel Lake revealed tons of tiny fish, a frog, which I petted with a piece of grass, and several turtles which were parked safely out of slapping range (presumably because they knew we were coming).

All told, this was our critter tally for the weekend:
various reptiles and amphibians
feral cats
a pelican
two big white geese
a bunch of grey (Canadian?) geese
roosters and hens
more ducks and geese

oh, and the livestock at the Paul homestead, minus the possums, which we earnestly tried to draw out with a jar of jam, but to no avail.

I think my sister had a nice time, and she seemed in very good spirits.
I spent Monday night trying to catch up on some of the stuff I "should" have been doing all weekend: my portfolio book, my homework. feh. I have not even started studying my Mandarin. Aiya!

Friday, September 01, 2006


Sometimes I just have to say to myself "Self, you are having a shitty time right now. Things are bad, you feel like ass, and you've lost all your patience. This is how things are right now, and not how they will always be."

Aside from the whole "busy" thing (two business trips in the past week, and two classes at CCSF right now), there are a lot of unhappy things. Notably, James still isn't ready to go for a ride with me to get that hot chocolate I promised him, and I still have to come to work every day at this horrid place.

I tried the straightforward channels, and now I have to get more creative about the job thing. It's going to reach a head next week, when my boss finds out that the rest of the department is quitting. Which just leaves me here. I do not want to be here, and have not wanted to be here for a long time. But I'm not as flexible as the other two (one is just going home to Indonesia and has no need for a job anyway, and the other is open to moving to LA, New York, or even Shanghai, which looks like the likely place he'll land. Were I open to moving, I wouldn't have a problem either) But I won't leave the Bay Area. But I *really* need out of this job. I won't go into why, but to say that this is a dead end job with people I really don't respect (can't respect, knowing and seeing what I do) and I need to go where I'm challenged and have room to grow. Besides, I'm so bored here. Same thing over and over? Ugh. No sign of ever having a change? Ugh.

Sadly, there are very few places for me to go in this industry. Levi's, GAP, Gymboree are three of the big ones in The City that I'm looking at (but good luck getting your resume in front of an actual person!) and two other places I'm most interested in are Mountain Hardwear (in Richmond) and The North Face (in San Leandro) These two companies would be perfect for me. Really. Remember all the stuff I did when I was in school? Remember how it always had to have functions and complicated parts? Remember how I was the only one there who could pull off such technical stuff? Well, oops, that doesn't mean anything. HR people screen out everyone who doesn't have 5 years experience doing exactly the same thing they are hiring for. Feh. I would be a perfect fit, but how to convince them? How to find someone to convince?

Outside of that, I also have some wish to get out of this industry. I always thought I should be a project manager instead. But what that actually means seems a little screwy, from reading job listings. Need to contact some people and find out what they do, how they got there, how they think I may or may not fit in and get in.

Mostly I just want to work somewhere where I'm learning and helping and growing, and not surrounded by idiots. That is a really tall order in the fashion industry in the Bay Area. I want out. Or, I want into North Face or Mountain Hardwear. Confusing? Well, OK, maybe I don't really know what I want. But I know what I don't want. I'm really clear about that.

I won't be able to be happy until I get out of this job.
Besides that? James is in San Francisco, but when I went to see him, it was way too crowded, and I hate putting up with other people's bullshit.
I want to see James, not really to see anyone else. Honestly, I've just never been very personable, so I have to be asked like ten times if something is wrong or I'm angry. No, I'm not, I just have hit the bottom of my tolerance for other people. I put up with a lot of personality bullshit when we were doing the events to raise money recently, and I had two rude emails from one of you, got yelled at and hung up on by another one, on the same fucking day. Did anyone ever apologize? No. Did I ever call you out on it? No. I powered through the task at hand. But now, I have no taste left for working with this group. It will take some time for me to come back to it, and then it will be different. I know this is important, but so is my sanity. I have other things going on in my life. I'm tired of making nice to you.

Since I was out a lot in the past week (Milwaukee and Las Vegas, both for work) I'm a little behind on my classes. But for the record, I'm taking my third semester of Conversational Mandarin (which I feel behind in, since many of the other students are already pretty fluent) and my first internet/html class. That one is an online class, hopefully one I'll have more success in than the Chinese Characters online class I dropped this summer.

I have to say this has been a challenging few months. This year is shaping up to be a big downer, on a grand scale. Not good times. But they can't always be. There are the ups, and the downs, but mostly I have it pretty damn good. I have the most wonderful man in the world waiting patiently for me to come down from my stress. Somehow he knows I have to keep pushing. It's not like I have to take classes in my "free" time. But I hate the idea of sitting still, of stopping learning. I don't want to stay where I am, at this job, getting older and staler. I have to keep expanding my education and skills. He knows this. He knows I have to keep going to meetings about James and doing fundraisers. He knows I have to do this even though the politics and personalities drive me up the wall. He pretends to listen when I come home and download all of this. Paul even understands my deep connection to my family, spending time with my dad, and mowing my grandparents' lawn in the boiling sun.

So as bad as times get, and they have been on a downswing, I still have it better than most. I still have so much, and so much to look forward to, in better times.

but if you're trying to deal with me now, you might find me less pleasant. Unless you can help me find a cool new job. Then I'll be your best friend, and bake you brownies.