The quickest way to put a girl in tears

Sometimes I have to go shopping for work. It’s a bit tricky, but I’ve got a bit of a routine, which works in department stores. I work for a menswear manufacturer, so I grab a bunch of women’s clothes too and duck into the dressing rooms to look at stuff a little closer, take notes, measure, or whatever. It’s a pain, and sometimes very awkward. And sometimes I end up with clothes for myself, which is bad. I don’t shop all that often for clothes. Clothes are overpriced, and I’d rather spend the money on motorcycles, mostly.

So that’s what I did Friday, left early to survey boys’ shorts, and ended up with some jeans for myself which I will probably take back since they aren’t perfect.

I’ve never bought anything at the GAP before. But I’ve been on the lookout for jeans for a while, and when I walked in to do work shopping, I saw that they were offering new fits. That’s great, since most stuff doesn’t fit me right.

Observations I have to make about jeans:
1.) Low Rise. Nobody likes High Rise, but Low Rise shouldn’t be very. Low, I mean. A couple years ago, I was in Express, and they were selling jeans with a 4 1/8” rise. OK, that’s pretty scandalous, right? Well, I know a few girls that could pull it off. But these jeans should not even be cut in sizes above 4 or maybe 6. Certainly this shouldn’t be mass marketed. When the Gap guy asked me how I felt about low rise, I was like, “how would you feel about selling me low rise? Would you feel like you’d done the world a disservice?” That was what I thought, I said “no, that wouldn’t look good on me.” Perhaps these sales people ought not ask girls what they want, they ought to say “You, ma’am, can have a low rise jean. YOU, can not.” And then, “I see that you are getting a low-ish rise jean. May I suggest that you actually buy the correct size? You know, instead of the one in your hand that is too small and will cause a fat-awning to lower over your ugly-ass belt. Just trying to help, and beautify the city.” Modern Day Heroes, they could be.

2.) Men’s pants come in inseam lengths by number of inches. Women are generally just stuck with one length for all. Sucks for jeans, which never look right when you hem them, on account of the wash. So, it was exciting to see Gap had different lengths. Funny, really, because I saw Long, and Regular. I asked the guy to help me find Short. “Oh, would you like Ankle?” he says. I look confused, and ask him, what is “Ankle?” “Ankle hits around the ankle.” WHAT does this mean? Am I to believe that Gap has formulated magic pants that grow or shorten depending on the height of the wearer? I’ve always wanted Magic Pants! The excitement was almost too much to bear. Call it what it is, dumbasses.

3.) I’m a very average woman. I’m about 5’6” or 5’5”, probably depending on how much slouching I’ve been doing at work lately. Actually, I’ve just learned that makes me taller than average. So here’s the thing: Short length, when offered, is usually just a touch long on me. Or in the case of the Gap jeans, just plain too long. I’d understand this if I were actually short, and trying to buy “Regular.” Hello, manufacturers: don’t bother with the lengths if you can’t get it right.

4.) Wash: I like that there are new options in wash, but I don’t like that most of them are crap. So here are a few ground rules:
a. “Whiskers”- no. This is fucking stupid. Say it outloud and ask yourself if it sounds good: “Crotch Whiskers.”
b. Pre-worn look washes. I see you are lightening the thigh area to give it a worn look. That’s OK in moderation, but when it looks like it’s been bleached, it also looks like you’ve just sat in something. No.
c. Holes- Holes. In new jeans. Stupid. So. Stupid. I want a discount.

5.) Flare: bad. Looks bad. Short and fat and bad. Unless maybe you are super skinny and tall, and then you just look like you have no style.

6.) Pockets: Yes, they are women’s clothes. But they are jeans, which means I intend to live in them. Give me some fucking pockets, and make them full-sized, jackass. It is not a prom dress. I do not have some sucker to follow me around carrying my stuff. Wait, maybe I do, but nevermind that. (To be fair, this wasn’t a problem with the Gap jeans. Rampage is a repeat offender here.)

This has been a public service announcement.