Saturday, March 06, 2004

controlled burn

So, my apologies to those who've been trying to deal with me lately. These aren't good days.
And, you know, I'm pretty goddam happy, like 99.99% of the time, so I just have to cycle through this every once in a while. So, my apologies.

Did not ride today. I know I cannot ride fast enough to outrun my shadow, the fucker just keeps following me everywhere. I know damn well that I spend days at a time riding to avoid things I don't want to face.

So today I stayed in and made a skirt. Which is to say, I am trying to create again.

Recently came across someone who used to push me, hard, and I worked quite a lot when we were going out. When I rested, he bitched at me. It seemed like a pain at the time, but I miss that. We both created, a lot. I need to get that back. For the past several years I've been in severe avoidance of all the personal and creative. Finding him just smacked me in the face with "what the fuck have you been doing?!?! Why are you hiding??!?" Easy, I've been plastering my demons into the walls and covering them with clutter.

So now I need to burn it all down and start over.

I knew this was coming when I got on the bike to ride to Black Rock last year. I didn't know how long it would take me to get here, but I have to burn everything down every so often. When Eric and I broke up, I felt like I'd woken up from a really long sleep, everything was brighter, louder, more intense than it had been in a long time. It was incredible, but I let it fade, and now I can't feel a fucking thing.

I need someone to hit me so hard, I cannot sleep through it anymore.
And I'm damn well aware that person has to be me.

And, to be fair, this is just one of the things on my mind these days getting me all mixed up.
So, right now, I apologize for the interruption in the regular, happy-as-a-pig-in-shit Rebecca. She'll be back on shortly. And rolling in it, but hopefully in a new dress.

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