Cranky

When I was younger, I guess when I was still in school, I had to defend my wanting to date a guy with a better job. I remember hearing “girls are always hung up on a guy making money,” etc. etc. blah blah blah. I didn’t want to be that girl, but I wanted to, like, be able to get a burrito when I felt like it. If you can’t afford a burrito when you feel like it, I don’t want to date you. I’m not talking, jewelry here, just, like, a falafel now and then. I don’t know why that makes me shallow or materialistic. I think underemployed guys were just bitter.

Now, I’m that guy. I can’t afford what is wanted. I mean, burritos, yes, but not other important big-ticket things. I just can’t. I made horrible school and career choices, financially speaking, and I won’t ever be able to do that.

So, calling the search for new digs off, for the second time in as many years.

Anyway, I like my apartment, so whatever. Anyone who hates my apartment should think seriously about the last time they were able to stumble home from 15 bars and out to Thai food at 2am, or walk down to about 12 museums in the afternoon. I am a city girl; suburbs are quaint at best, more like dead to me. Having a yard is no compensation for being isolated from city life. I don’t even like gardening.

So, I’m getting rid of a lot of stuff. Photo stuff, art supplies, clothes, shoes, probably a lot of fabric, a printer, my giant G3 at some point, some bike parts, motorcycle gear… just to start. That should be a good start, and the rest to follow. I may post some of this stuff if anyone is interested. Otherwise, goodwill or whatever. I’m too stupid to ebay. Shipping confuses me.

I’ve been really fucking cranky recently, and I need to figure out how to make that stop. I feel so fragmented, and it seems unfounded. I don’t even know why I’ve been so busy, but I don’t spend enough time at home I guess, to keep it in order. That bugs the hell out of me, because I really feel like I’m not even doing that much. I used to have friends, but even that has faded away. Every week or so, I try to touch base with James, but fail. Well, at least I saw Lucy. Yay, I did something. What am I really doing to make the world a better place? Not a whole lot. I’m failing. Work has gotten bad, but I think mostly because of my own attitude. I need to take control, and point it in the direction I want, and do a much better job than I’ve been doing. The same could be said about all aspects of my life right now. Clean up, make a plan, move in a new direction. Throw out the deadwood. I’m the only one responsible for making me happy, and making my job better, and making my home life work.

Starting today at work, and tonight at home.