Sunday, February 03, 2008

the girl in the box

the girl in the box, the one you hand money to when you want to get in the nightclub? Here are the things she does not think are cute:
1.) most importantly! There is a line. You have been standing in it. You may have even been rolling your eyes and bitching about the line. Part of the line is standing outside in the rain. What is keeping them in the rain? The speed at which the girl in the box can move them through. It is so not funny that, after waiting in said line, you arrive at the box office and then suddenly realize you need to look for your money, in all of the various pockets of you gigantic purse or over-accessorized goth coat. You had all that time to find your money and instead you spent it wondering why the line moved so slow. You, is why.

2.) "one adult, and one child, please!" OMG, you are so clever.

3.) Any sexual banter. It was kind of funny when the drunk british soccer guys tried to slip me a hotel key, but mostly because drunk people with charming accents are less disgusting than drunk people with no accent. Your comments just make you look like an idiot. I can tell, within the few moments I spend counting out change, which of you will be escorted out by security staff in the next ten minutes after entering. Spending $12 to get thrown out of a bar after ten minutes seems really dumb to me.

4.) After I give you your change, I want you to leave. I don't want to watch you arrange your hair, or organize your purse, or argue with your friend about who is buying drinks, while people are waiting for you to leave the window. Who the hell does this? Your purse is a mess and you're a hideous monster, and no one is going to buy you a drink because you are utterly lacking in charm or grace. Just keep moving and no one will notice this shameful travesty.

5.) Do not ask me what the club is like inside. It should be really obvious that, ummmm, I am not inside. I am, as you can see, in a room roughly 4 x 4 feet. There is a locked door separating me from all the goings-on. I like it this way.
"Are there a lot of people?" I have no idea what a lot is to you. Is 15 a lot because it is more friends than you have? Or is 400 not enough because you know that, statistically, it is only every 401st person who does not throw a drink in your face upon first contact?
"Is it a pretty happening party in there?" I assume you are looking for strippers. There are probably very few inside. And there were some really hot girls, but they already left with some guys who came and didn't waste their time with such questions.
"Did so-and-so show up?" I don't know, and I don't care.
"I'm here for a birthday party." Fabulous. I'm here because someone pays me. Now, your money, please?

6.) I know so-and-so. Really? That is SO COOL. Because I don't. And your name is not on the list.

1 comment:

James said...

You know that next time Tara and I can go out, we're doing all of this!