Stupid Wedding -isms

for reasons that are probably apparent (to everyone except Paul, who thinks I'm crazy), I have been reading blogs and books and such about weddings lately.

I learned this: everyone has a different idea of what this wedding things should be for them (and sometimes for others)

There are a lot of "shoulds" and trends, and emphasis on trying to create "Your Perfect Day"

Martha Stewart is a clumsy preschooler compared to some of the really nice wedding plan and design stuff out there.

So you get poisoning from reading too much of it. Not because it is, like Drano. More like a bellyache from too much candy. It's OK, but not a good full diet.
After reading too many posts about Out of Town Baskets and Chocolate Fountains (I like my chocolate in its purest form, no fountaining, thank you very much) it is nice to take a look at some of the other end of the spectrum. I tend to fall somewhere in the range of "let's just have a big party," and "Oh! Craft Projects! I LOVE crafts!" So I'm a little bipolar. I think Paul has given up on me.

There are a few really terrible phrases I keep coming across in wedding planning propaganda, that are really really terrible.

My Perfect Day
There is no such thing as a perfect day. Or a perfect anything, *unless* you are able to understand that perfect isn't, so it follows that a little imperfect might be perfect. case in point? Paul is perfect. My mother seemed concerned with this declaration, and asked "surely he must have *some* flaws?" Yes! of course he does! If he were totally perfect, that would be an insult to god. He has just the right imperfections to be perfect for me. Duh. So Your Perfect Day will only be perfect if you are ready to roll with the flaws it will certainly give you. Besides, I like challenges, and surprises, to some extent. That said, I am still demanding dolphins.

The only thing worse that The Perfect Day is The Most Important Day of My Life. OMG. That is really pathetic. This bride ought to be shot at the end of the wedding. After all, it's all downhill from there anyway.

Then we move on to, and I really think this is the tagline that makes the wedding industry the most money "It's the Details that really make The Day Special." Kill me! This was not on the practice PMP test I took today, but:
What makes your wedding day special?
a. monogrammed napkin rings and signature cocktails in your colors
b. That guy, the one you are pledging your undying love to and joining lives with
c. the gathering of your friends and family to celebrate this love and commitment
d. the donkey with a sombrero, and beer in its saddlebags.
e. b, c, & d

Answer?
I'm hoping for "e", but the donkey apparently lives in Texas. (damn, and I think this is the one wedding detail Paul seemed on board with)

Am I getting bitter about weddings? No! In fact, I am enjoying it quite a bit.. I just think it's important to step back every so often as you get swept into all these skewed expectations, commercialism, and weird fantasies.

At the same time, the craft and design loving part of me would love to go ape shit and personally hand paint every invitation, after sewing it together out of scraps from the dress I am making. I want to say "I made everything-- the invitations, the dress, the cake, the chairs you are sitting on, the sun that is shining right now (I needed just the perfect hue of light)-- everything!"

Craftiness aside, I need to keep it fairly simple given other things needing my attention these days. I'm just excited about having a party with everyone there.
Repeat after me! "A wedding is not an elaborate photo shoot. It is the unique story and celebration of you two and the family you are a part of." Or, "it is an excuse to gather your family and friends and wear fancy clothes and eat cake!"

Or something
And a chance to rent a beer donkey.

The Birds

Last week it was hot. It was so hot, I said I wouldn't come home Thursday after work. My office is air conditioned, and our house, it was not. It was like 95+ at night.

I have plenty of things I should be doing, but instead, I opted to go for a walk with Paul to the Shoreline waterfront area, to see the sunset. Paul met me at work and we walked out to the Bay.





On the way, we saw jackrabbits and squirrels, and I stopped to drink (I cannot drink while walking)









We had a snack and headed out to the shoreline, where we found a little inlet where the birds were gathering at twilight. We watched as the 15 or so pelicans were joined by more pelicans, which would fly in in small groups. They are master aerialists, flying wing to wing in wide circles as they come in for landing. When there were a good 40 or so pelicans, they all started to swim off together.

Also there were about 15 egrets, maybe 20 night herons, and some avocets, all gathered in the same bay for dinner. It was a scene of incredible beauty, and we are thrilled to have it so nearby.

You asked for it

You asked for updates, here they are. Now you know the true nature of my boringness.

Yesterday, it was Christmas at our house! the mailman brought motorcycle batteries! (how sad is it that my DRZ sat so long the battery died? sniff sniff)

And he brought a blood pressure monitor! As I suspected, my blood pressure appears in the low range. Apparently, there isn't really a low blood pressure range, only a high one. Mine is definitely not high. Sometimes I used to black out a little in the mornings, and I always wondered if it was from low blood pressure.

And! The mailman brought fabric! Which I haven't opened yet! So I can't tell you how great it is(n't?) yet! But it should be the fabric I need to start cutting my wedding dress. Having this will actually help me figure out if the pattern I planned will really "work" with this fabric. It may be too stiff.

Also, Paul had a nasty allergy attack. The cat yelled, and I read some of my PMP book. That will be every night. Oh boy!

My job sux.

It is so terrible here. We suffer so much, and my boss is so mean.

Look how miserable everyone is:

Why you won't see me in the coming months

Saturday morning we went to the Road Rider parking lot sale, which was a huge waste of time. But, now we now. Unfortunately, time s something I have very little of these days, so that kind of ticked me off.

Where does the time go?

Oh, right, I am getting married. I was not one of those girls who dreamed about her fairytale wedding all her life. In fact, I didn't plan much of anything, and no here we are, with a lot of decisions to be made and work to be done. I got really excited about lot of crafty projects. I was a Girl Scout, and my mom is super crafty, and, um, yeah, I know how to sew, so I feel pretty strongly about wanting to do all these fun crafty things. Plus, art school and all, right? I spent the past few weeks gathering up ideas and starting to formulate ideas. I have a whole schedule of tasks, their dependencies, and a color-coded, sortable, sheer fabulosity, chart for tracking their status.

I got a lot done in the first month or two, and started to feel pretty good about it. I got a lot done on the dress (still lots to go there, but it's something). We made decisions and signed contracts. We were moving and shaking.

Hooray!

Last week I noticed my boss had commited me to earn my PMP by Q3, in a presentation we are making to the muckity-mucks. Yikes! I had an idea that it needed to be done, but seeing the date like that was a little alarming. Plus? When does Q3 end? 3 days after my wedding?

In a way, that is OK because partly I was thinking I should finish before we go on a honeymoon so I do not study on my honeymoon (lame, super lame, and totally something I would do) But there is waaaaay to much preparation that needs to be one to earn this stupid thing. Goodbye to the handmade crafty projects I had envisioned.

The first problem is that I don't even feel that I qualify to take the test. I need to do some serious brainstorming to recall 36 months of non-overlapping projects. (more, if...)

Second problem? I do not know if they will accept my BFA. If not, 36 months turns into a lot more. Then I will definitely not make it.

If I can clear that hurdle, it is just a matter of a few trainings (one is already on the docket, June in Atlanta for three days, but I'll be required to do at least one more) and then a WHOLE LOT of studying. Pages of charts, formulas, the kinds of things I have not been historically good at memorizing. But? I could do it. If I focused on it.

So last week I powered through reading a crash course project management book, recommended to me to read a high-level overview without the PMI jargon and dry reading. This took up a lot of my weekend, though I did find time to work Saturday night at the 80's club and finish up one of the patterns for my wedding dress.

I'm signed up for a three day PMP class in Atlanta the second week of June, and last week they sent me two books to read before the class. One is the Guide to the PMBOK (NOT a fun read, I have tried before) and one is PMP test study tome. I'm supposed to read both of these before June 9th. Thanks, guys! My plan is to read the study guide, as I already know I won't make it through the Guide to the PMBOK. I'll reference the guide during my reading of the study guide. I need to read four chapters a week. When? I have no clue. While I'm sleeping?

I do want to earn the certification. If I do not, it will be bad. If I do it, it will be good. That's easy math. I want to do it, I am just not sure I can do it right now. But I must, and so I guess, it follows I will find a way that I can.

Paul has been amazingly supportive. I had little time to help around the house before. Now, I have none. Zero. He is totally supportive. If we did not live together, this would be impossible, because we would never see each other. At least since we live together I can still see him sitting in the window watching the birdies and squirrels while I study. Getting this done will benefit both of us in the long run, and he knows this. But it hurts to have the days slipping away, saying "no" to hikes and adventures that used to be so fun.

Eureka!

I have just figured out why I keep finding chocolate stuck to my laptop. Mystery solved!

But I have not decided to remove the chocolate that is already there. Who knows when I might get stuck in a long meeting????

It is hard being me.

We are chugging ahead!

Saturday morning, I went with Paul and my dad to taste CAKE!
Cake is tasty.
We tried a few cakes and frostings, talked with the nice lady for a while, and then left. And then we got headaches and took a nap. Yay cake for brekkies!

We met with a few photographers and hemmed and hawed at price vs. quality for a few days, and finally settled on the one we preferred. Everything adds up so fast, we were tempted to just go as cheap as possible, but I think this will be the better choice in the long run. Once that contract is signed, we'll be able to move on to CAKE. Cake will be fun. You get to eat it. Of course, the cake tasting and the dress fitting are at odds with each other, so that is very sad. I have no doubt about which will win.

Sunday we went to Berkeley to see Paul's old friends and Paul was rather adorable with the kids. He like the Baby Einstein too!

As I stare thoughtfully into the distance...

Here comes the dirt bike
Beware of the dirt bike
Because I hear they're coming to our town
They've got plans for everyone
And now I hear they're over their sophomore jinx, so you had better check it out

All hail the dirt bike
Philosopher dirt bike
Silence as we gathered round
We saw the word and were on our way
Now it's

Brain washing dirt bike
Ground shaking dirt bike
Mind bending dirt bike
In control

Soul crushing dirt bike
Self propelled dirt bike
You see I never thought I'd understand
'Til that bike took me by the hand
Now I ride
Ride
Ride



(They Might Be Giants)

Wedding Poisoning

I realize they make money off of making me stressed

I felt like we got off to a roaring start, getting decisions made, calling down tent people, caterers, shopping for rings, getting things printed and sent! Oh MY! You've gotten so much done! Then, a lull.

I found a ring I was pretty set on, after being told it could be made in a different metal. Then finding out it couldn't be made in the metal I want, and really? Only available in metals that cost real money. I'd rather pay the artist for their time and talent than the metal they use, but we'll find out today whether I'm back to square one on this one. I'm holding my judgment until I get the final price quote. Paul? Found his ring already. Smart boy.

We found a caterer, about whom we just know he's ben doing this a long time and is a straight-forward, no fuss kind of guy. Food is the single most expensive part of this shindig, and with good reason, I suppose. We really like to eat! Having made a decision on a caterer, we now get to met and plan the details. What will we eat?

There's this whole industry built around weddings, which is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it makes it easy to get direction on what needs to be done next, and easy access to resources to get it done. On the other hand, it is there to sell you on all sorts of crap you don't need, at ridiculous prices, and make you stressed out in the process. For instance, six months to go and you haven't gotten a photographer lined up? For shame! Aren't you planning on making *Out Of Town Bags* to leave at the hotel rooms of people who are coming from out of town? You ARE going to take Engagement pictures, video and pre-and post wedding pictures (including getting all dressed up in dress and all, a day before the wedding to take pics at several locations around town), right? I'm supposed to be convinced that instead of one big overpriced wedding cake, I should consider individual mini tier-cakes for each guest. Totally.

To answer any questions you might have, and properly set expecations in advance:

1. I do need to find a photographer. Yikes.
2. Out of Towners will be lucky if I give them a map. By email.
3. We are not taking engagement pictures, video, or pre-wedding pictures, boudior pictures, trash the dress pictures, or any other, as-yet-unknown-to-me, "hot new trend" photo-racket. We do want photos of the wedding and party, but photographers are $$$, and we will probably rarely look at these things anyway.
4. I love me some cake. But I prefer eating cake, to looking at it. No icky fondant! yuck!

In poring over wedding-related websites, I have seen some really funny stuff. But if you stare at it too long, it sort of poisons you. Thankfully, I don't have the situation apparently experienced by a lot of other brides-to-be. My family doesn't care what I do, or don't do, and there aren't any "expectations." Everyone already knows I'm an uncivilized lout. We have some guiding principles that are loosely shaping this thing:

1. People > fanciness. We decided early on that our priority was having everyone present that we could, that we'd cut costs on things that don't matter (flowers, bands, purty cake) rather than guest list (which, unfortunately, seems to be the preferred way to manage costs for a lot of people)
2. DIY > throw money at it. I like making stuff. Making stuff can be stressful, and it can be fun. Hiring a DJ seems dumb when we can just use an iPod. Results may be great, or they may be super-janky but they'll be *our* results! I will make my dress, and the invitations, and anything else I can find time for. So if they suck, at least you know it's my fault. That smudge you see on the invites? The stitch out of place on my dress? That's me!

We're terribly excited to share this day with the people who mean the most to us. We may skip out on some of the trappings, but hope you'll enjoy this party as much as we plan to!

From Charles: Working at Google.

I want a cake now. Dammit.

Fresh baked snickerdoodles, though. It will hve to do.

Bloggy birdies

It is true. I do not write to my blog much anymore.
For one thing, I am busy. I have a job, that I love, and that kes me occupied. Plus there's the whole PMP thing, and the wedding thing. And then, I think I still have hobbies.



One thing I waste entirely too much time on is trying to read the whole internet. You know, the whole thing. Daily. Knowing that is impossible, I keep it to a reasonable bazillion blogs I read in Google Reader. (yes, even before I worked here I was a big fan of the google stuff)

Yesterday I read this wonderful post on my science blogs feed:

Do you remember the first time you ever saw a particular bird species: how the light caressed its feathers, adding fiery depth to color; its innate busyness as it searched for careless insects or plump fruits, or its fierce hope as it courted future mates; the rich sound of its voice as it spoke volumes to its companions; the intense flash of life in its gleaming eyes when it caught sight of you huddled behind your 'scope or binoculars, holding your breath, wishing this singular moment would never end; that special sound of wings snapping through the air as it took flight, leaving you behind, suddenly alone, feet rooted into the moist soil like bricks, while your parched soul rose up alongside?

I encourage you to read the entire post, and see the pictures. Very beautiful, and sad.

Thanks Bernanke!
Nice work!

Not In My Backyard, please!

Despite myself, I would like these damn things to be illegal. Normally, I want nothing to do with legislating people's general behavior. But this? This goes too far? How lazy ARE you?!?!


Leaf blowers. I hates them.
I rarely saw them for the past decade because there weren't very many leaves to blow around in San Francisco. In Mountain View, they are every-damn-where.

I walk to work fairly frequently, and I see a lot of these. We see them on the weekends. We hear them all the time. I can't tell you how many times I've watched some lazy jerk chasing a single leaf around a yard with one of these things.

PLEASE. STOP. There is this new thing out now, that is like a leaf blower, but it's quiet, doesn't pollute, and you also get some exercise. I think it's called a "rake," or something.

Actually, if they marketed rakes on the infomercial channel as wonder-weight-loss machines, we might get somewhere on this.

Given that these things are omg noisy, omg pollutey*, and the fact that we all need the exercise, what can we do to get rid of them? I do not like legislating what people do, but this is ridiculous and harmful. There is no upside to leaf blowers!

* A 2000 report by the California EPA determined that the average residential leaf blower produces 145 times more hydrocarbons, 7.5 times more carbon monoxide, and 11 times more particulate matter in one hour than a 1999-2000 light duty vehicle driven at 30 mph, getting 15 miles to the gallon. The hydrocarbon emissions produced from one-half hour of residential leaf blower operation are equal to the emissions produced from driving 2200 miles, comparable to a round trip from Denver to San Diego. Commercial leaf blowers with more horse power are even more polluting.

Pollution from dust and debris is also a significant issue. Leaf blowers' powerful engine jets have the unintended consequence of disturbing and suspending smaller particulate matter such as dust, fecal matter, pesticides, fungi, chemicals, fertilizers, spores, and street dirt that consists of lead and organic and elemental carbon, according to the California EPA.

Babytown visits us

Success!
Successful weekend!

Saturday we spent the evening with my parents and sister, and drank a whole bunch of wine. We also discussed the relative merits of petting zoos vs. bouncy castles at the wedding (I stand firmly in the petting zoo camp) and, um, "good tarps."

Saturday we knocked out some invitational goodness at Kinkos, and had a damn fine walk around the bustling hubbub of Mountain View. In the evening, we hopped on the Yamabego and met Lionel and Jen at Zeni in San Jose (very tasty Ethiopian food) and were blessed by their inability to find a babysitter. We got to meet Amara for the first time, and what a cutie! Very interactive and friendly. She was pretty good in the restaurant, and damn, did she put away a lot of food.

Sunday we skipped the farmer's market (dang daylight savings) and then cleaned up our shitshack in preparation for having a toddler in the house. Oh noes! Beware! We had not had kids in the house yet, and it turned out OK. Nothing was broken except the cat's trust. Jesse and Amy brought Quinn, who is about two but looks more like four. He had lots of fun with the weightbench, dumbells, wrenches, and pretty much all the big metal stuff he could toss around and "fix." He gleefully screeched at the cat, who hid, and hid, and hid. Then we took him to the park, and then pizza, and then after a little more visiting time, they went home. We do not see nearly enough of them.

Also, we are chugging along on wedding plans. There's a lot to do, but this is still an easier project than others I'm working on, and a lot more fun. I'm terribly excited. I'm working on perfecting my delivery of "IT'S *MY* SPECIAL DAY AND I WANT DOLPHINS IN THE POOL!"

you figure it out

what does it all mean?????

Do it NOW!

https://secure.eff.org/site/Advocacy?alertId=365&pg=makeACall

Ugh

Ugh. This is not even Disneyland, and already it is hell.

Sent from my iPhone

the girl in the box

the girl in the box, the one you hand money to when you want to get in the nightclub? Here are the things she does not think are cute:
1.) most importantly! There is a line. You have been standing in it. You may have even been rolling your eyes and bitching about the line. Part of the line is standing outside in the rain. What is keeping them in the rain? The speed at which the girl in the box can move them through. It is so not funny that, after waiting in said line, you arrive at the box office and then suddenly realize you need to look for your money, in all of the various pockets of you gigantic purse or over-accessorized goth coat. You had all that time to find your money and instead you spent it wondering why the line moved so slow. You, is why.

2.) "one adult, and one child, please!" OMG, you are so clever.

3.) Any sexual banter. It was kind of funny when the drunk british soccer guys tried to slip me a hotel key, but mostly because drunk people with charming accents are less disgusting than drunk people with no accent. Your comments just make you look like an idiot. I can tell, within the few moments I spend counting out change, which of you will be escorted out by security staff in the next ten minutes after entering. Spending $12 to get thrown out of a bar after ten minutes seems really dumb to me.

4.) After I give you your change, I want you to leave. I don't want to watch you arrange your hair, or organize your purse, or argue with your friend about who is buying drinks, while people are waiting for you to leave the window. Who the hell does this? Your purse is a mess and you're a hideous monster, and no one is going to buy you a drink because you are utterly lacking in charm or grace. Just keep moving and no one will notice this shameful travesty.

5.) Do not ask me what the club is like inside. It should be really obvious that, ummmm, I am not inside. I am, as you can see, in a room roughly 4 x 4 feet. There is a locked door separating me from all the goings-on. I like it this way.
"Are there a lot of people?" I have no idea what a lot is to you. Is 15 a lot because it is more friends than you have? Or is 400 not enough because you know that, statistically, it is only every 401st person who does not throw a drink in your face upon first contact?
"Is it a pretty happening party in there?" I assume you are looking for strippers. There are probably very few inside. And there were some really hot girls, but they already left with some guys who came and didn't waste their time with such questions.
"Did so-and-so show up?" I don't know, and I don't care.
"I'm here for a birthday party." Fabulous. I'm here because someone pays me. Now, your money, please?

6.) I know so-and-so. Really? That is SO COOL. Because I don't. And your name is not on the list.

NTI Hotness

Last Saturday, I went to San Francisco to visit my dentist. My dentist is great. And he has a really swanky office. This is the pond outside of the lobby, which extends under the floor of the lobby with a plexiglass floor so you can see the fish:



I picked up the new mouthguard I had fitted when I went for my last marathon dental session (four or five hours of ripping out old fillings and making new fancy, not-so-breaky ones)

Bruxism, you see, is VERY bad. If you are grinding or clenching your teeth, YOU MUST STOP. Seriously. I had cracked a molar last year, just before I had planned to get the preventative work done. But bruxism is very, very bad. Anyway, the big squishy mouthguards you get at the drugstore are OK to just figure out if you can tolerate anything, but they are way big, and worse,, the squishyness may actually inspire me to clench more. It's like having a chew toy in your mouth. Not all that good. Plus, they get nasty.

The new hotness is the NTI. (yes, I realize the website looks hokey) It is small, and it fits really well. It can not fall off. It actually keeps my back teeth from touching at all, so, no more clenching. It was expensive, but not as expensive as the work I had to get done because I had cracked my teeth.

Thje result has been great. After a first night of dreaming about trying to chew a jelly bean that was in the front of my mouth, I have slept well. My jaw does not hurt. Depending on the war over the next few months, I may actually get the front cut down a bit to make it even more natural feeling (to avoid grinders being able to pop their lower teeth out over their upper teeth, there is a little "rail" thing, which sticks out of your mouth a little when you sleep. But I do not grind.)

Grinders of the world, I heartily recommend this NTI dealie. It is awesome so far.

State of the Union

I am so glad this is Bush's last State of the Union.
My liver cannot take listening to another.