another bad realtor, and also a good one (wait, the world is NOT black and white?!?!)

My post about the realtor(tm) and "creative" listing the other day drew a few comments. One from another couple who is in a similar boat, another from a friend offering a referral to his agent, whom he liked, and one, that I'd like to highlight, from a REALTOR(tm). Who happens to be my uncle.

Before I talk about that, though, I should mention that I got trapped in a conversation yesterday with a starry-eyed realtor, who emphatically and repeatedly told me, and I know this will sound shocking, "Now is a great time to buy a house." Oddly enough, every realtor (that doesn't know us) we've encountered in the past two or three years since I've started watching the market, has said "Now is a great time to buy" and frequently this is paired with some of my other *favorite* real estate platitudes "Houses will always go up" or "renting is throwing money away" or, and this was a San Francisco staple "Buy now or be priced out forever."

Thankfully, we did our reading, and didn't take the bait. We did actually qualify for way more loan than we even wanted (we told the mortgage lady that no, actually we didn't want that much, and she dutifully explained that it was best to maximize leverage), and had I not seen a glimpse of housing bubble, we could have ended up stuck in an upside-down mortgage right now.

Back to the point. Not all Realtors(tm) are bad. However, the huge (huge. really.) influx of real estate agents in the years of the bubble really diluted the pool with people who were badly educated at best, and in many cases just plain shady, trying to make a buck on the bubble.

Think about all the idiots who thought they were stock market geniuses because they were going to make millions on pets.com stock. oops. It doesn't mean no stock adviser is smart, it just means the good ones were lost in the noise.

And by that same token, anyone who tells me I should buy a house two minutes into a conversation? Also obviously screwed up. Without knowing my finances, how long I want to stay here, what family needs I have, my tolerance for risk, how much money I have and how much I save by renting... "Now is a good time to buy" displays a lack of understanding of, or a lack of respect to what ought to be a delicate, complex equation. And to me it really sounds like "Now would be a good time for me to have you buy a home, through me." Or, at all. Because housing prices are stalling and we need buyers to come to the table.

Which brings me to my next point. Part of yesterday's realtor(tm) conversation went like this:

Are you in the market for a house now?
Not right now.
What are you waiting for?
We're waiting for fundamentals to be more in line.
Well, housing prices aren't going to go down any more. They've already had their big drop. I mean, maybe incrementally, 3%, 5%, at most 10%, but then they're going to start going up again

(I am not making this up. He seriously told me that--as if he knows what the market will do, and at what percent.)

Bull. Again, macroeconomics. We are in a deflationary environment. (others may disagree, but this is my strong opinion) Housing was probably, across the board, one of the most uniformly overinflated assets, and certainly in the Bay Area. (your area will be different). Job losses are mounting, and there is no end in sight (your area probably won't be very different there). Shipping orders around the world are down drastically, factories are shutting down, and retail is crashing. People, a lot of people, are going to lose their jobs. Financing standards are tightening (as they should), and the credit that allowed people to drive up prices beyond their means, will have to come down.

And they should come down. A house is a place to live. When housing prices are astronomically high, it hurts people and families, who have to work harder and take on way too much risk and financial hardship just to put a roof over their heads. So I think it will be a good thing when a basic need (shelter) is not a huge hardship, nor a golden ticket of speculation. And in the Bay Area, where I live, we are just not there. Houses here are still wildly overpriced. If the average family can't afford that house based on 33% of their average-family income, those prices can't hold across the board. (clearly there will always be regional differences, and pockets of wealth and pockets of poverty) Considering the economic conditions and the fundamentals of salaries, these prices cannot, and should not, remain this high.

Your situation is your situation. Any agent that tells you it's a good time to buy, without knowing your situation, is not your agent. They are their own agent. They may want you to buy, but not necessarily for your own good. Again, yesterday's agent: rattled off reasons why with all the tax incentives, it would likely mean it was actually cheaper to buy than rent. (tax incentives that I don't agree with, but anyway don't really help me-- the CA one, I didn't have the heart to tell him, only applies to new construction, and the federal one, at 8K, is nothing, literally, in the scope of the local pricing. $8000 is a rounding error here. A 1% reduction is still cash in pocket, but not enough to make me want to buy anything. Besides, like other subsidies, it will, some economists would argue, and I agree, just raise the price of housing by $8000. Great.)
But back to the agent, and his assumptions.
Quick back of envelope guesses:

I just looked at the MLS listings for my neighborhood. Houses in my 'hood range from (current listing price) 899K-975K.
Let's say we get a "great deal" at $850K for a 2/1 (Oh boy!) or maybe a 3/2
Assuming I put 20% down ($170,000 and I don't have that right now), living in that 2/1 in my neighborhood is going to cost me on the order of $4K per month (maybe a little less) The mortgage tax deduction won't come close to bringing me in line with my current rent: $1475.

The point? He might have been right, about someone else (someone with higher rent in a neighborhood with lower house prices, perhaps). But a good agent wouldn't be trying to convince me to buy something without knowing my situation.




But that's all a rant about an agent I had the misfortune of talking with yesterday. I've met a lot of other agents like him, and I've gotten a really bad taste in my mouth from some of the more egregious liberties I've seen in MLS listings and real estate cheerleading. But "reasons I never trust a real estate agent." was an overstatement. There are good and there are bad. So let's look a little at what Mike said.

Many of us are honest and helpful, all of us have studied the laws and machinery of real estate, many from a different perspective than yours, and just having that perspective can make a big difference on the CYA aspect of what is most people’s biggest purchase of their lifetime.

This is a good point. It is not impossible to buy a Nolo Press book and process this transaction without an agent, but even though I am somewhat independent and adventurous, I probably wouldn't want to do that. I would like someone with experience for that aspect. Paul and I have discussed this in the past and generally I think we would like the process help.

I think the real estate industry could be greatly helped by being a lot more transparent. People are used to transparency and freedom of information now, and lots of people who are used to managing information will want to manage the search themselves and use a trusted agent for the paperwork and legal and, as Mike called it, the CYA bits (think inspections, permits, etc.) There will still be people who want the whole shebang, but then there are still people using travel agents for simple trips. Most of us are used to booking air travel now, and would only call a travel agent for the really complex bits.

Before you are in the market to buy, and only you will know that, do yourself a big favor and find an agent that you can trust. I highly recommend a real live agent, who can explain fiduciary duty to you (that might be one good litmus test). Being a member of the National Association of REALTORS® among other things means making the commitment to upholding the best and most in-depth set of ethical standards that I have seen in the industry. I know that not all Members (REALTORS®) do a great job of keeping to the standards, but many do.

I do believe that my family members have a higher standard of holding up commitments than average Americans, and I think there must be a lot of realtors who don't take this commitment seriously, or just have a very different idea of what ethical means. Either way, the NAR's reputation in my mind is severely tarnished by the likes of David Leareh, and the constant cheerleading during the bubble. I realize Mike likely won't agree with me on that. But, then, like any professional organization, it's made up of a lot of people who are all very different. Of course, anecdotal evidence is usually defined by outliers, since they make the most impression. Meaning, I remember bad experiences more than good ones.

As to the definition of a bedroom, believe it or not this is not quite nailed down. Most counties permit and collect taxes based on bedrooms as a room that is big enough (the county sets that) and has not been excluded from being a bedroom in the permit process. Some say it must have a closet, some a window, some give minimum sizes of door and window openings. Owners will sometimes dodge paying property tax and service fees by calling a room something other than a bedroom even when that is what you or I might call it. On the other hand, the same owner might call a walk-in closet or landing, a “bedroom” if they think that will sell the house. Make no mistake here, I said OWNER. The agent is just that an agent of the owner. And all to few are immune to the temptation to “puff” especially when the listing might depend on it. Each agent draws his or her own line, a point that having a pro working for you can counter.

On this, no, it was not a bedroom. Bedrooms typically have doors, or at least a doorway with a beaded curtain. Or, at least three or four walls. You had to see it to believe it. (embarrassing) But it's a good point, maybe the owner was being a real pain in the ass, and maybe the agent just had to take the listing as it was. It surely doesn't reflect well on her, though, so she might not want to do that in the future. As a consumer, I am now way less likely to trust her, and somewhat less likely to trust realtors(tm) in general. Consumers are unlikely to think about whether the perceived dishonesty is coming from the owner, whose name and face aren't in the marketing. So as an agent, this is not something I'd compromise. But maybe she really needs the work. I don't know. (or, and I'm not taking this off the table, maybe she's got a loose grasp on truthiness.)

Then Mike gives a bunch of math about return on the agent's time, which is detailed and thoughtful. In summary, the agent would rather sell the house quickly for a little less, than waste their time showing a house repeatedly for a slightly higher price. (better ROI) I agree here 100%. I think the inflated list prices generally come from stubborn owners. A good agent would tell them the price was too high, but I think a lot of owners would just go to a less-good agent who'd take the listing with the price they wanted. (likely to their detriment later) Owners are stubborn, and I think there is also a lot of emotion wrapped up in admitting your house isn't worth what you wish it was. Another downside of listing high, in this market, is that you can end up chasing the downturn. I've seen it on a few properties, that have languished, being dropped every so often. If they'd sold it a year ago, it would have gone for more than now, but they were stubborn. I'm sure all but the worst agents know and understand this.

He goes on to talk about relationships with agents and some interesting tips (one that I will try next time we visit an open house). Worth a read if you're interested in housing, but I'm not going to cover it all here.

And in conclusion of this longwinded post, I should apologize (especially to my two beloved and smart, trustworthy uncles-- and for once I am not being facetious) for "never trust a realtor" as it was a flippant overgeneralization. I do know a few agents that I really would trust to handle a transaction, and do understand the value of that service.
However, realtors(tm) should be aware of the tarnished image that comes with these behaviors (particularly dishonest listing practices, and ridiculous claims that you should buy a house! now! even though I don't know anything about you!) because regardless of whose fault they are, it is the agent whose name is on it, and their reputation on the line.



And lay off the fisheye lens, people! I have no idea where I could buy curved appliances to fit in that spherical kitchen.

Realtor(tm) vs. Reality

Paul and I have had an eye on the real estate markets for a couple of years now, and like to visit houses for sale when we can. We are sort-of in the market, though not really at today's prices.

A couple of weekends ago, we visited one that reaffirmed my "reasons I never trust a real estate agent." Bells went off in my head when I read the ad anyway. Listed as a 3/3 (that's 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms) in a nearby neighborhood that I actually like. Sure, it, like all other listings around here, was waaaaaaayyyyyy overpriced for the local fundamentals, but that doesn't seem to matter to a lot of people.

But the ad, it read "one bedroom currently configured as loft." Which? Made no sense to me. There are rooms that are structural, and there are rooms that can be swapped out. Garages, kitchens, bathrooms, and lofts have structural qualities. Bonus rooms, dens, bedrooms, maybe an office, these I can see interchanging. But hey, I can be wrong, and we went to see it.

First, the 3 bathrooms were actually 2.5, a fine detail, but second, this was a two bedroom house. The third "bedroom currently configured as loft" was indeed a small loft, open on one side to the living room below (it really had two walls, and no door), not big enough for anything but maybe a twin bed and nothing else, had no closet, had to be walked through to get to the actual bedroom, and most importantly? WASN'T A GODDAMM BEDROOM AT ALL, AS ANY PERSON WHO'D EVER LIVED IN A HOUSE COULD TELL YOU. It was the landing at the top of the stairs. The landing at the top of the stairs of the house I grew up in was bigger, and had more walls, and closet space.

Who cares? I do. We've been looking at really dishonest listings for a long time now. All the relisting to hide price changes and days on market, the insulting abuse of fisheye lenses to try to make a kitchen look bigger (bigger, and spherical), and, the classic fake furniture to trick you into thinking full-sized furniture would fit in the room of the house they are trying to sell you for 40-50% too many dollars is totally out of hand. And I wonder how much longer people will take it.

At this particular house, for the first time since we've been visiting open homes (a few years) another party also snuck out in outrage at the overpricing. (there have been multiple occasions where Paul and I have snuck out the back exit of a property to avoid having to face the real estate agent on the way out) Too embarrassed to face the agent in the face of an inflated price for a not-up-to-the-listing house? Me too!

When we are ready to buy, I am not sure we'll want anything to do with a real estate agent. I've just been too fed up with the loose interpretation of reality and shady practices. Will Realtors(tm) go the way of the travel agent? I hope transparency will cut through the worst of them and put them out of business. For us, a little research and sunlight on the housing bubble a few years back kept us out of the market, even as we had a loan officer trying to convince us to "use more leverage" based on our qualifications. We are those fabled solid buyers that everyone is seeking right now, and hell no, we won't buy your overpriced 3/3 with "bedroom currently configured as loft." I suppose the attic is currently configured as sky, and the basement currently configured as dirt?


(ps, since visiting, this listing was updated to show 2.5 baths, and the price was dropped $50K. Which is still way too much)

Today's tea has been brought to you by... MONKEYS!

Want no silver threads among the go-o-old
Want no silver threads among the go-o-old
Want no silver threads, want some action instead
Want no silver threads among the go-o-old

Be my life's companion and you'll never grow old
I'll love you so much that you'll never grow old
When there's joy in living you just never grow old
You've got to stay young 'cause you'll never grow old

People who are lonely can be old at thirty-three
Don't let it happen to you, and don't let it happen to me

Be my life's companion and you'll never grow old
You'll never grow old, no, you'll never grow old
Love and youth and ha-appiness are yours to have and hold
Be my life's companion and you'll never grow old

I-I-I know a man who's lonely and he's old at thirty-three
No one wants to be - old at thirty-three
Your-our-our disposition sours like a lemon on a tree
Don't let it happen to you and don't let it happen to me

Be my life's companion and you'll never grow old
Yes I'll love you so much that you'll never grow old
Love and youth and ha-appiness are yours to have and hold
Be my life's companion, be my life's companion
And you'll never grow old

(a song that we love, recorded by the Mills Brothers in 1951)


When you are a teenager and you start to get acne, you are told that it's a teenager thing. No one ever told me I'd have acne and wrinkles at the same time!

In the past few years, and particularly the past year, I've noticed the fine lines becoming deeper in my face. yes, I am getting OLD!

I take comfort in the fact that the lines appearing in my face and in Paul's, were worn there together. Like a chain and sprocket, our wear lines come from each other, fitting together perfectly as we age into something made only to fit one another. Will the way he looks at me become permanently marked on his face? I see lines now where I raised my eyebrow at his jokes and knitted my brows in mock disapproval.

The stress lines of our trials and the remnants of the crooked smile I give him are, like it or not, becoming a more prominent feature, a permanent map of our times together. I don't know what to make of the acne and twisty fishing line grey hairs. Am I growing old and regressing to teenage years at the same time?

It's a salad dressing! No, it's a hair conditioner!

Lately I've been trying a lot of natural body care stuff. It started a few months ago when I got this book from our Li-Berry, and continued when Santa read my Amazon wishlist and brought me this book.

So I've tried a few recipes from the new book and had mixed results. Mostly good.
I've always been somewhat aware of bad ingredients in body products, but now I know enough to never want to buy any "normal" product again.

But I like crafty endeavors, so I enjoyed ordering up a bunch of ingredients from Mountain Rose, and who doesn't love the mad scientist feel of mixing up concoctions with eyedroppers and glass bottles?

The olive oil from Mountain Rose smells sooooo good (really good quality) and I'm enjoying smearing it on my face every night. Paul can never tell whether some food item is in the cupboard for eating or smearing on my face or hair.

Thus far, I'm still looking for a real conditioner recipe. I mean something that feels like regular conditioner. I know people are making conditioner and selling it on etsy, so it has to be easy to do. But so far, I'm only finding food-type conditioners (avocado, eggs, honey, stuff like that) So the search continues. My hair being as long as it is, a lot of the basic assumptions about making conditioners don't work. For instance, a "hair butter" that contained mostly oil was way too heavy and hard to wash out. (maybe I should try it again and dilute it with glycerin?)

There's No Place Like Home

Kansas!
Paul and I spent a few days in Overland Park, KS a couple of weeks ago. Highlights?
I saw cardinals for the first time!

And they have proper Blue Jays. Their Jays look very different from our Stellar's and Western Scrubs, but most interestingly, they sound completely different. Jays are corvids, and so related to our beloved crows and ravens, as well as the ever-present European Starling. I'm accustomed to our Stellar Jays angry squawk, and our Western Scrub Jays questioning screech, but the Blue Jays in Kansas sound like... regular birds. Whistles and tweets, almost.

On a side note, we've recently been getting Western Scrub Jays at our backyard feeder, and I love the yelling in the morning. It's like waking up at camp.

In addition to the two new birds, we also saw Paul's Dad and Stepmom for their birthdays. It was relaxing, of course, because there is not a lot to do there. We caught up with family, which is wonderful, and drank lots of wine. Saturday, I took over the kitchen with Paul's wonderful stepmom and baked snickerdoodle cookies. On Sunday, Paul and I ventured out into the Big City to see what we could see. What did we see?

First, I lived out a childhood dream, and died of Cholera.

Next, I found a beer, where we sat at the bar. It was superbowl sunday, which meant nothing to us. The Superbowl was to start at 2pm, and it was much earlier. Most screens in the bar showed pre-game bullshit (I don't even understand watching sports, but watching people talk about sports???? WTF?) but one screen was set to Puppybowl, which? Genius. Now, if the sports pubs would set half their screens to sports and half their screens to Puppybowl (or Puppy World Series, or whatever) then couples could actually go and enjoy game days together. And families. Who doesn't love puppies?

After fortifying ourselves with beer (for me) and sody-pop (Paul), we decided to tour the Big City... by car, because it was assbitingly cold, and it's miles between interesting things. After a bit of driving around looking at buildings, and getting out once to look at historical markers and an overlook, we decided it was too cold and too boring, so we went back to the house.

...Where we did some IT (did you know there are still people running Netscape as their browser?) and more relaxing and catching up.


Then? At the airport, I figured, "this is Kansas!" so I clicked my heels together three times and found myself at home. Hooray.

Alas poor chocolate, I knew thee well

It sounded like trouble when Hershey's acquired two of my favorite chocolate makers a few years ago.

Scharffen Berger makes fantastic chocolate bars-- pure, unadulterated goodness.
Joseph Schmidt, famous for his artistic creations in fine chocolate, was a favorite since we used to get gint baskets of the stuff around Christmas time at one of my old jobs. The mint leaves were my favorite, but everything was wonderful.

Bay Area favorites, but now Hershey's is shutting down their local manufacturing. Boo.

Time to move on. sniff, sniff.
Charles Chocolates, anyone? (btw, Charles makes really good chocolate, and is a delight to chat with)

I have admitted to Paul that I have a big ole' crush

on Obama. And when I hear him speak, he is so dreamy-- his complete, grammatically correct and yet lovingly crafted sentences! His full thoughts, the pauses where he does that thing-- what is it called? oh, right, he THINKS. Right, he thinks before speaking, and afterward too, apparently. His erudite command of the language we love, and his understanding of the democracy and ideals we love in our country.

Also? Big girl-crush on his wife. She is so strong and powerful, and humble and funny.


Now, it continues... a BLOG! How cool is that? Add it to your reader with the feed link.

For Charles:



So I decided to do the 100 Push-Up Challenge.
And now I'm in week three, with a little bit of improvement. I stalled out a little on last Friday's set, but yesterday I was able to complete that number. I expected that I might be a little slower than the program called for, so that's OK. I haven't missed any days.

The very best thing though, is that I have a workout buddy! Who checks in with me for status updates! So I can't skip because I would have to admit that to my workout buddy. This is truly the best way to make sure you stick to something. Be accountable.

Last night we celebrated. The last night of this asshat:


Yes, it's funny, and terrifying.

I honestly do not know if we can get America back to its former strength. I do think we are going to try to get it back to its former meaning and morals.

New Years Eve! Woo.

So, how was my New Years?

I had been asked if I'd work New Years Eve, a few months back, and since we didn't really have big plans, I agreed. I had not worked at the Glass Cat or Bondage-A-Go-Go since, you know, "back in the day" when it was the Trocadero and it smelled like shit and we loved it.

The Glass Cat is a nice renovation, and overall the club smells nicer, except... ah, yes, the area near the mens'restroom still smells like the old days. How quaint. Really, though, a nice club, though I missed the old place.

Not the most exciting New Year's Eve on record, so I was glad when I was finally let off of work. Only to find that, yays, my bike wouldn't start. So at 2:30 in the morning, I texted Paul and told him, and tried to think of what to do. New Years Eve= no cabs, anywhere. Drunks, everywhere. The security staff at this particular club was not staffed with anyone I would consider able to help me. (It was around this time I began to really wish we'd had New Years Eve at the DNA, where I could have gotten help) The end result was that Paul hauled himself out of a warm, cat filled bed to ride up amongst all the New Years' drunks at 3 in the morning on one of the coldest nights of the year. It was "The Awesome." We got home around 4:30 in the morning after Paul arrived on his shining steed and rescued me in minutes of work, shaming all other men in the Greater Bay Area.

It's only sort of funny that I had been mentioning earlier that day that I noticed my bike didn't like to start up like it used to. Ha ha ha. Damn, so the SV needs at least a new battery. I rode it to work Saturday night, and the ride back nearly killed me because I couldn't run my electric vest. I literally had to pull off the road and thaw my fingers out by removing my gloves and shoving my hands down my pants for ten minutes. That was the coldest ride I think I've ever had, and I think proof that the electric vest keeps your extremities more comfortable by heating your core. Anyway, damn.

Obligatory Navel-Gazing New Year Thingie

I've been using this inventory for the past few years or so. a lot of these things don't seem to apply to me very well anymore, but I'm always loathe to give up anything that might be *tradition* so here it is:

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?

• Saw a Snowy Plover
• Got married!!!
• Changed my name (I know! in my extended family, this is usually, like, a yearly occurrence)
• climbed the stairs to the top of the Duomo in Florence
  

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Erm, no, I failed big on that, didn't I? Here's what I said:

Career:

• Get my PMP certificate: This is something I'd like to do anyway, but my boss is really keen on me getting done soon. A Project Management certificate would help me in my career, if only for the way it appears to people reviewing me on paper.
• Learn basic Unix for Mac (starting this with a book right now)
• Gain a working knowledge of networking, firewalls, DNS, etc... especially as it pertains to work.
  
• Get involved in the "extra-curriculars" at work to create more connections

Other

• max my 401K
• bolster our emergency savings for the shit economy that is in the mail, coming soon
• Start practicing Mandarin on at least a weekly basis
• Spend a lot more time sewing
• Spend a lot more time riding my motorcycles (now that I am no longer commuting on them-- oh, right, I used to do this for FUN too!)
• Get involved with birding... and maybe some wetlands cleanup projects?
  

Let's see... started chipping away a the PMP, realized I didn't have nearly enough experience, or focus. Kindof ditched UNIX in favor of picking up odd bits of html, python, and java background. I guess I understand networking a little... Whew! I DID get involved with workplace extra-curriculars in getting on the main planning group for a worldwide week of service at work (first annual, and very exciting) I DID max out my 401K, and sock away savings for the shit economy that did indeed arrive just like I said. Forgot most of my Mandarin (but re-learned some Italian). Sewed, that I did, for the wedding mostly. Did not ride motorcycles much at all. In fact, the DRZ sat, for a whole year. Ugh. We DID see lot of birdies though! And I did do a service project cleaning up wetlands (weeding-- how fun!)

This year, some of my big goals (I won't call them resolutions!):
Career:

• apply for PMP, see if they'll accept my application to take the test
• develop a plan for career. When people ask me what I want to do in the future, I should have some sort of answer. Right now, I have no idea, and it is sort of embarrassing.

Health:

• I've decided to do the 100 pushup challenge! Because, why not? And I need trackable goals, as I don't do well with things like "lose weight" or "gain muscle"
• My main concern this year is getting my heart in shape. I need to talk with my doctor to be able to figure out exactly what this goal is, though.

Other:

• Max my 401K
• Save more cash for the shit economy
• Sew and craft more, and specifically: sew more and start making my own shampoo, etc. (the chemicals they use in body care products are really fucked up)
• Get Things Done.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, a coworker!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
Italy. And Atlanta, GA.


6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
More stability, simplicity, and focus. Getting married was a lot of fun, but also very disruptive. On the other hand, it was a god catalyst for things. (hey! that wedding dress satisfied one of last year's goals: more sewing!)

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
September 27th, 2008! My Zero-th wedding anniversary!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not in the sense that I faced some incredible struggle or provided great benefit to anyone else, but I'm pretty happy with my marriage and wedding. I found the best man in the world, and we threw a damned good party, which through family involvement and handcrafted goodness, really reflected who we are, and did not end up with family fighting or mountains of debt.


9. What was your biggest failure?
I stopped lifting weights after the wedding, allowing the honeymoon to disrupt my workout habit.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
no! I have been pretty lucky!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
our squirrel groom cake topper was pretty great. The wedding cupcakes were a big hit too.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Paul is so good to me, and to the others in his (our!) family. I love the watch him with his nephew, and his mom, and my grandma.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
John McCain. Gawd, what happened to him??? What an embarrassment.

Everyone involved in giving financial bailouts. Paulson and Bernanke in particular, but all of our congresscritters and "leading" economists. I am not sure whether they are just paid hacks, or are truly convinced that this is the way to go, but it is wrong, wrong, wrong, and will wreak much more havoc on our society and economy than the company failures and foreclosures already did. Even a five-year-old could tell you that the solution to the problem cannot be the same as the cause of the problem. So? more loans and new debt can't fix the old loans and debt problem.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Savings! And the wedding and trip to Italy! Then, rent, food.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The wedding was fun, but the reality of spending my life with my best friend in the whole world to start something bigger than us was the best. Also, frequently got really, really, really excited about cupcakes. And, very much: the election of Barak Obama! It felt like a huge weight started to come up off off my heart. It does not fix everything, but it gives me hope, which I have not had, in a political sense, in a long time.

16. What songs/bands will always remind you of 2007?
The RIAA has convinced me I should not listen to music anymore.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Happier

ii. thinner or fatter?
Fatter.

iii. richer or poorer?
Richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Sewing, crafting, writing in this blog. Of course, I wish I'd been more productive: why didn't I get farther on my projects? Why didn't I learn more Mandarin?

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I try to read the whole internet. It is to much, and I wish I could figure out how to stay so informed with less time. Without giving up all the cool blogs I read (yay Scienceblogs!)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
We spent Christmas with family, as always. I am a totally Christmas junkie, and really look forward to all the time with my family. Paul and I have our tree up and decorated, and lights outside. It is great, but the real goodness is family time.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I still fall! Every day!

23. How many one night stands?
No. I think I'll change this question going forward to "What's on your night stand?" and the answer is: a cordless phone (going away soon), earplugs to block out our neighbors, a glass of water because I drink a lot of water while I'm sleeping, my NTI mouthguard which I LOVE, and my glasses, because I am legally blind.

24. What were your favorite TV programs?
We do not watch TV. No, really. I mean, people say that but they are usually lying. Actually, the TV is only setup to play Nintendo (old school!) and Playstation 2, and that is pretty rare. Come February, when they convert to digital, it will be incapable of even getting signal. fine. We do like to watch The Daily Show and Colbert Report for free on Teh Internets.


(what happened to 25?)

26. What was the best book you read?
It's terrible, but I don't think I finished any good books that I can think of. I have a bad habit of not finishing books. I have no idea, for instance, why I didn't finish reading Joseph Stieglitz's Three Trillion Dollar War. It was good, I just got distracted. I read a lot of wedding crap and financial stuff. I'm not sure which was more depressing.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
89.1 FM KCEA. It is THE BEST.

28. What did you want and get?
I wanted to get married, and I wanted Paul to propose to me. I got both of those things, and they were worth the wait.

29. What did you want and not get?
A Beer Donkey for the wedding. Really. You must see this.

30. What was your favorite film(s) of this year?
hmmm... we don't see many movies either. The instructional video that came with our Print Gocco was pretty fabulous.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I think that was the day I went to the mall with my wonderful sister. I don't get to the mall often, and usually find it stressful, but we had a fun time trying on makeup and shoes and such. My sister is totally the best, and we always have fun.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
My grandfather. I think of him every day, and James too.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Wear clothes often. Many in the winter, and less in the summer. Shoes are great, and a good pair goes miles to making you happy.

34. What kept you sane?
Paul, who is always my pillar, even when I am disagreeing with him or bugging him. He knows my foibles and loves me through them, and he supports me in all I do, regardless of how silly or outlandish it might be.

35. Which celebrity/public figure(s) did you fancy the most?
I have Obamamania, and I think Michelle Obama is, like, totally hott. And by hott, I mean, beautiful, strong, warm, funny, and fascinating.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Buster Taint Palin. It was too disgusting for words. And the incredibly negative campaigning that came with it.

And, in a near-tie, the bank and auto and failed-homedebtor bailouts. Blech. What a disgusting debt we are creating for future generations. A debt of finance, but also of innovation and competition.

37. Who did you miss?
Grandpa. James. Still, every day. I keep thinking, oh, James can help me with this, or, occasionally, thinking I can go see him, you know, at the races, or the shop, or something. Or a funny story I think he'd enjoy, and maybe we could go out clubbing.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I need to get out more. Are there new people in my life?

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
As bad as it seems, this country can choose a better way.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

It was just a neighborhood dance
That's all that it was
But, oh, what it seemed to be

It was like a masquerade ball
With costumes and all
'Cause you were at the dance with me

It was just a ride on a train
That's all that it was
But, oh, what it seemed to be

It was like a trip to the stars
To Venus and mars
'Cause you were on the train with me

And when I kissed you, Darling
It was more than just a thrill for me
It was the promise, Darling
Of the things that fate had willed for me

It was just a wedding in June
That's all that it was
But, oh, what it seemed to be

It was like a royal affair
With everyone there
'Cause you said "Yes, I do" to me

Auto Bailout

Must see revised Big Three ad, via BoingBoing (and Soot and Ashes, where I first saw it)

Just keep remembering, we should (apparently) privatize profits, and socialize losses. Right? Right?

Giving thanks

Every year when asked what I am most thankful for (it's a Thanksgiving tradition at Grandma Kay's house, we go around the room saying what we are thankful for) of course the thing that comes up first is "my wonderful family." And I mean it!

Which made it harder to not go to the big family Thanksgiving for the first time. But this is part of being married, and so I joined Paul's family in Henderson, NV.

I missed my family something fierce, but this nearly made up for it:










I am very thankful for fabulosity and sparkle power.

Bye, Bye, Big Three

Full disclosure: I hate cars. I don't know how to drive, and if I did, I would rarely do it. Well, specifically, I don't hate cars themselves, but the culture around them. There is a time and place for cars, but it is not as we use them today.


When Paulson first tried to pass of his 3 page plan (loosely: "hey! I know! Why don't you give me 700 billion dollars to do with what I want, without any oversight at all?") that should have raised big red flags. He has no business doing what he is doing. Bailing out corporate failures is a mess, and the package is a very expensive mistake.

It's not going to work to try to make the banks lend out this free money. Duh, they were failing at their jobs, so we gave them our money to throw after it? No really, here is some very good explanation of why it isn't working. Article 1, and its follow-up. Of course, it is more complicated than those two articles, and I recommend anyone interested in economics take to reading that blog more in-depth for excellent and usually very readable analysis.

But, this new thing? This automaker thing? Outrageous.

The other day I bookmarked something I wanted to write about (found via Boing Boing Gadgets). It's a Business Week article titled "The 65 mpg Ford the U.S. Can't Have" and the gist of it is, Ford has a clean-diesel car in Europe that gets 65mpg, but they won't bother with it here because Americans don't want diesel. Production and import would be expensive, and, they say, "We just don't think North and South America would buy that many diesel cars."

Fucking ridiculous. These American automakers will not bother with new tech, they won't bother with trying to sell better engineering to Americans. They just want to continue to suck out loud, and then they want us to give them money to continue some more. Why? So they can keep producing SUVs?!?!?

Ironically, the day before I read this, a coworker sat and chatted with me about the new car he is on the waitlist for. He canceled the car he had ordered when he heard about this great new one, a clean-running diesel that got something like 65mpg! From? oh, some European carmaker.

Thanks, Big Three.

Then, yesterday, also via Boing Boing Gadgets, I saw this article in Forbes about Honda. Really, it's a great article, and worth reading about a manufacturing company where engineering rules and problems are there to be solved, with weird angles if necessary:

"But there's nothing Honda hates more than waste, and there is nothing Honda likes more than an engineering problem. Indeed, how else to explain why Honda has studied the maddeningly evasive cockroach (for anticollision technology), decoded the rice genome (to increase crop yields and create more-productive crops for biofuels) and developed a robot that can get instructions by reading human brain waves (to learn how machines and humans can better coexist)."

Why can't our Big Three invent? Why do they refuse to do anything but throw money at marketing SUVs that are good for nearly nobody?

More importantly, why should we throw money after them? They should fail, so that new ideas can come in their place. Capitalism may or may not be the best system, but it will not work at all if bad companies are not allowed to fail. What reason do they have to change? What evidence do we have that they can change? If they are propped up by our precious few tax dollars, we will be dragged down with them as we waste our money on investing in the past rather than the future.


PS: you agree? Go here, and contact your congresscritters

October 3-5: Venice

This was mostly written whilst on the train to Florence, and I am just getting to it now...


In the canal by our hotel in Venice. The water is clearer than we expected, and there are FISHES!

On Day 2, our first full day after arriving, we got out in the morning to see the Basilica di San Marco. As we were in line, we saw the floods starting, first as a puddle in the front of the church, which grew as we were in line, so that the narthex (entry way) of the church was solidly flooded by the time we got in. They put out planks to walk on, as this is completely normal flooding. We paid the 6 Euro to go upstairs to the museum and loggia, where we saw the 4 Horses and stood out on the loggia just in time for the 12:00 bells, first from the Torre dell'Orologio, which is hit by a mechanical man with a hammer, and then across the piazza at the Campanile, a much louder bell. On the other side of the loggia, we looked down onto the top of two columns, one covered in dead pigeons, one with none at all. Is this where pigeons go to die? Some sort of pigeon executioner's square? Paul's theory was that people throw dead pigeons onto the one column, but I have my doubts.


It's a small world after all!


Where pigeons go to die?


View from the side of the loggia, out over the Piazzetta

The Basilica itself is amazing(ly overdone) but there are countless records of that elsewhere. We paid a few Euro to go to the Treasury to see a bunch of stolen and some legitimately gotten treasure, some very impressive Byzantine chalices, and, most importantly, reliquaries. I really can't get enough of this stuff: bones, teeth, the "True Cross," and best of all, a whole hand, apparently of Saint Martha.

On the way to the Basilica, on the Ponte Dell'Accademia



After the Basilica, we had some melty cheese sandwiches and headed to see the Ghetto. On the way, we had our first gelato of the day, and stopped to see St. Lucy in Saint Geramia's church. You can see her hands and feet, but the face is covered with a mask. There are several paintings and sculptures of St. Lucy in the church, which I always find funny because she is usually depicted holding a dish with her eyes in it, yet she always has eyes in her head. I suppose no one wanted to depict her with just sockets? Odd, since the religious art frequently relishes the grotesque.

We noticed the vending machines in front of the pharmacies offer all sorts of things you might need in an emergency.

We got to the Ghetto just in time to miss the last tour of the Museo Ebraico. I had done the tour last time and Paul said he just wanted to see the Ghetto. The buildings of the Ghetto Nuovo are close together, and stacked high with low-ceilinged apartments. You get a pretty good sense of the crowding just by seeing the dwellings. The Holocaust memorial in the Campo again nearly made me cry. Just as last time I was here, uniformed police were hanging around the Campo. Coincidence? Or because people have attempted some anti-Semitic crimes here? Either way, the history of his place is heavy. And? People still live here. As we left, we passed by several Jewish shops and bakeries, and on the way out, some guy said something unintelligible to us, and when we looked confused, asked "You speak Hebrew?" Uh, no. Not even a little.

We wandered around the Rialto markets and over the famed bride of tourists and knick-knacks. Heading back into St. Mark's Sestiere, we wandered and happened upon the Scala del Bovolo, a happy surprise sine I had been wondering where "that staircase" was but had no idea what I was looking for. As famous and sunning as it is, it is just stuck in a small backyard area, overgrown and hidden in an alley where no one can be impressed by it. I had assumed it would be posing on the Grand Canal, or an important piazza.

Scala del Bovolo

We also stopped briefly at St. Moise, generally thought to be Venice's ugliest church I'd been impressed by the dubious facade before, but this time we got to duck in and be astounded by the bombastic altarpiece. OMG. I wanted to get a better look at it, but some guy rang a little bell and a priest came in, so we scurried off.

Venice is beautiful everywhere you look.

Dinner was followed by gelato #2, and then we decided to go drink beers in the Campo San Margherita with all the adorable college students. We wondered if we were supposed to care when the Polizia pulled up in their bat and disembarked to walk the crowd. No one moved, so neither did we. The college students ranged from mall-punks to pegged-jean-unfortunate-hair metalheads to your run of the mill jeans-and-sweatshirts types. Venice is marred by more graffitti than you would expect, and we were consistently charmed by the earnest scrawlings against biotech and a "global Italy." On the square, we also had gelato #3, then retired for the evening.


day 3 we got out of the apartment even later, as I was starting to feel like I was coming down with something. The goal was to go the the Palazzo Ducale, and... success! We made it. The Palazzo tour gives you a close-up look at many architectural details, a lot of painting (some important, and others just over-the-top tacky) and a good background on Venetian history and the structure of society and government. you also get to tour the prisons and the armory. The weapons exhibit is large, with my highlights being the velvet-covered shields, weapons, and helmets, the funny artwork on some old rifles, and most importantly, listening to two children ask their respective parents "what is this?" in reference to a particularly gruesome chastity belt, and listening to the parents explain to their 5-8 year-olds in detail, in German and some other language. Where I didn't understand, I could tell by the looks on the little girls' faces that the explanation had been sufficiently accurate and detailed. I guess I'm a prudish America but I might have said "I don't know" and moved on. At least until they were a little older? It was hilarious and we were tempted to linger little longer for a third and fourth family.

The Palazzo Ducale from it's interior courtyard


Bling! The Scala del'Oro in the Palazzo Ducale

We spent several hours at the Palazzo Ducale and then puttered around for a bit before deciding to get warmer clothes and then take a few water buses to see Venice from the Canal and maybe visit Giudecca. Unfortunately we came to the realization that we were having banking problems, so after watching perhaps the most spectacular sunset ever, we spent about an hour trying to figure out how to get through to Paul's bank by phone. UGH. We seem to have figured out (no help from the bank though) the problem and may actually be ale to pay for our meals and lodging. I think. Given all of that and a lot of confusion with the bus information, we canceled on our idea to visit Giudecca in favor of having dinner (there's a small window of opportunity for meals at certain hours, and if you miss it, you are SOL) After dinner we saw a few more vistas, and called it a day. No gelato!

The most spectacular sunset ever

Damn I wish I had found these before

Vote Because He Doesn't Want You To

Ugh, disgusting.


Early voting is so wrong!
Poor, old people are voting!
Except it's ok when *I* do it.



I'm guessing this guy never waited 5 hours in the rain to vote.
I hear his argument, and it is lame. So lame, I can't even figure out if he's serious or joking.
Poor old people voting early is bad because something might happen in the last week to change our mind???? There is NOTHING that could have happened in the last week to change my mind about the presidential election. Many of us just wanted it to be over (on both sides, I'm sure) and voting early means you can move on. I am sure there are those who are still weighing, and they were well served by coming in to vote on election day. But for those of us who are disgusted by the shell of McCain and the filthy campaign he's run, there was no chance of an October Surprise, unless it was that we woke up and it was all a bad dream.

And if that is his argument, why is absentee voting ok? I have an absentee ballot, so it is ok for me to vote early? WTF?

This is an unfortunate man, trying to make an excuse for what he really wants to say, which is, people shouldn't be allowed to vote. We should make it as difficult and painful as possible for (other) people to vote.

Blech. Disgusting.

I voted!

So did Paul. Yay!!
Voting makes me very happy, and I hope the results will as well.

Go vote!

Why get married?

I didn't really have a good reason to want to get married. Paul and I were already committed (mixing 401Ks and mortgages is a *lot* more serious than a silly marriage certificate, legally speaking) and we were already living together. Most of my family had already decided that we were really married deep down inside. So why do it? For my part, I have been inspired by the wonderful marriages of my parents and grandparents, and once I had Paul and knew he was for me, I wanted to get *married" and I wanted to grow that into something as beautiful as what my grandmother and grandfather had.

As we planned our wedding, I was also secretly sure nothing would change, and partially wondered why throw a big party to say “we're married now!” when really you were married all along in your souls. I was ready for the anti-climax.

But I was wrong.

There is something different about being married. And I don't know what it is. Some undefinable change happens, and you make it happen, but it is also outside of you. We threw a wedding and tried to include as many people as we could, with the belief that the community's support was a necessary part of taking just being in love to being married, to a public commitment, and a commitment from the public, to support and grow this new family unit. There is something invested by the community, into the couple, that is bigger than what we could make for ourselves.

And every day I look at Paul a little differently, though nothing has objectively changed. But, somehow, it has changed.


And with heavy heart I worry now that this right will be taken away from millions of people in my community. Tomorrow the people of California will vote on whether to take away marriage from people who love people of the same gender.

During the wedding planning, I read of several couples who decided not to get married legally because they could not go along with an institution unfairly denied to gays and lesbians. I was happy that I didn't have to make that decision, and proud to get married in a state where all of my friends and fellow Californians could marry as they chose. How civilized! How loving!

And that day? I was never one to fantasize about dream weddings, and fuss about the perfect details of My Perfect Wedding Day, but you know what? It was perfect. Because I was surrounded by my community, and they were there in love to witness and support our marriage.

And I want that right for all of my friends. The deserve it. They need it. Their children need it.

I've heard the arguments:

• that Prop 8 is bad for children won't someone think of the children!??!?! (but what about the fact the gay teenagers have such high suicide rates? Perhaps if they weren't ostracized, they'd have an easier time of it? Oh, and since other countries have already moved forward, we already have studies, showing the kids are alright.)
• That marriage is a religious ideal from that person's church. Well, fine, that person's church can do what it wants, but as long as the state is involved, it must be an equally available institution. I could just as easily make up a religion and start saying marriage was only for gay people. So what about my religious beliefs? The best answer would be for the state to only honor and create civil unions, and have nothing to do with "marriages," which are apparently owned by whatever religious institution the person you are talking to belongs.
  
• That this will destroy marriage is my favorite. With a divorce rate of 50%, I think straight people have done a fine enough job of destroying marriage. And for my part, for my marriage, I will be honored to have taken part in an institution that is shared by all the people in my community, many of whom are gay and lesbian. Applying a “separate but equal” institution would honestly make me a little less proud of the “married” thing. Marriage should be a tool of community building, not separating, and entered with love and compassion, not fear and paranoia. (and? I've looked into it. Civil unions do NOT give the same rights and protections as marriages do. Yes, allowing people to ride the bus is great, but making them sit in the back is not equal, and should not be tolerated.)
  

There are two pieces of video that I hope everyone will take a moment to watch. The first is a commercial supporting Prop 8, except the words have been changed slightly, so you can see what this is really about. Please let this sink in:



The second piece is a heartfelt speech given by the mayor of San Diego in September of 2007. The mayor was set to veto a resolution in support of gay marriage, and had vowed he would do so. Instead, he gave this press conference:



His speech was heartfelt and thoughtful, and gave me hope that even those who have been mistaken on this issue in the past, even the vociferous haters of equal rights for gays, can grow and change and see a better way. Is there anyone in your life you can reach, to help them see things in a better way?

And please, if you do nothing else, vote against Proposition 8.

Why not?

October 1-2, 2008

10/1-2/08
Caltrain->BART->SFO->JFK->MXP->Milan train station->Venice

What would get you out of bed at 3am? For me, Wednesday, the alarm at 3, out of the shower, dressed, packed, and out the door at 4am, and the sky was beautiful and the stars were *really* clear. And we thought "wouldn't it be funny to stomp around on our neighbors' roofs and stand in front of their windows laughing loudly to the same jokes over and over?" (which is what they do at all hours when we are trying to sleep) Then we saw that the neighbors were in fact, still awake and watching TV next door with the door wide open. Damn.

Then Caltrain -> SFO -> BART -> SFO -> JFK. All pretty uneventful. I like, when I fly overseas, to take Tylenol PM or something like it and sleep through the entire flight. But always wait until the flight actually takes off, because you never know how long they might keep you on the tarmac after leaving the gate. In this case it was about 1 1/2 hours, first because there were too many planes in line, then because while we waited the weather turned bad and we had to wait for it to pass, and then? Then because during that weather, one of the computers they use to direct traffic wen out, so they were sharing a single runway for all departures and arrivals (arrivals have priority) What. Ever. Once in the air, I slept like a log. Or a corpse, as Paul described it.

Either way, I woke up somewhere over, like, France. We then passed over the Alps, which were stunning, and descended over the red rooftops of Italy.
The view of the Alps from the airplane


Arrival was easy enough, and since Paul had the good sense to figure out in advance that we needed to be at a different train station, we took a bus to Milan's central station which is over an hour away. There we encountered our first food disaster in the form of a prepackaged sandwich, disgusting beyond our wildest dreams.

Worst. Sandwich. Ever.

The train ride to Venice was terrible, being seated in a compartment with a stinky man and a woman who alternated between sitting and flipping through her cellphone's library of christian rock and pop at full volume, and getting up and climbing over everyone to get in and out every five minutes. And it took for-ever. Finally we arrived at Santa Lucia Station in Venice and jetted out to get lost without a real map of Venice. We finally did stumble on our place but no one was there, so we ended up at an outdoor cafe for an Italian classic: really atrocious pizza and cheap wine. I wasn't at all surprised by this, having already established that Italians do not know anything about good pizza. (I'm a Chicago-style girl myself) The best thing about this cafe was the number and aggressiveness of the pigeons, who are accustomed in Venice to joining you at your table if you let them. As one family was in the process of leaving, they were swarmed such that the mother had to grab one last slice of pizza from the only non-pigeonated pizza as she made her hasty retreat. The pigeons then swarmed the table, knocking off a napkin holder and sending glass to the ground to shatter. Waitstaff appeared unfazed. In addition to the aggressive pigeons, there were also some very cute house finches and especially scream-y gulls. Also, lots of dogs some on leashes, many just wandering the streets (watch where you step) And so far, two not-very-friendly window cats.

After we checked into our hotel, we spent the evening wandering around and exploring the city.



Me in the neighborhood near our hotel.


Paul by the Grand Canal.

Wedding guests

(one of a series of ruminations about the wedding process and our wedding)

I was not one of these girls who imagined her dream wedding. I never had a pre-planned, just drop in Mr. Guy here. Planning a wedding would come later, when there was a person I was actually planning to marry. Which happened in February.

A lot of what happened in between was poorly planned. From a project plan point, we might have slowed down and outlined our triple constraint, prioritized various goals, identified our stakeholders, and generally dragged it out for a great many billable hours. But I had no intention of letting this thing draw out. I've always been irritated by the people who get engaged forEVER and either plan a wedding a few years out or just get engaged with no wedding in the works. OK, we are not getting any younger, I don't have time for that. Also, engaged means planning to marry, so if you don't want to get married, DON'T GET ENGAGED. We came up with a number of months that seemed reasonable, given our vast knowledge of wedding planning, set the date, and moved full steam ahead! In retrospect, I think six months is perfect. Less is not enough unless you are having a very small wedding. More would have driven me insane, because no matter how good you are about keeping balance in our life, you will get sucked in to the planning and lose your real life, and get tired of wishing it would just get over with already. The longest I could have put up with this would be a year, and that would have been a stretch.

The next logical step would be to come up with some sort of vision for what you want. A small, intimate gathering by candlelight? A huge 500 person extravaganza? Who knows? We didn't really do this. We sort of nibbled away at this as we went along, without a defining vision. Here's what we knew:

• We wanted to invite everyone who was important to us
• We didn't want to blow a ton of cash
• We wanted to eat food
• We wanted to enjoy it
• We wanted it to be friendly and homey and familyish, not orchestrated and perfect.

Points one and two are pushing against each other. Any wedding planning resource will tell you that the best way to cut costs is to cut guests. We didn't want to do that. We didn't want to regret that so-and-so wasn't there because we decided to have the ice sculpture and monogrammed napkins. So we let our parents have nearly free reign with the guest list, and we invited all the family and friends we could.

There is still a point where you have to draw a line about what friends to invite and which to leave out. We had to weigh this wish to include everyone against the wish to have a small enough crowd that we could actually spend quality time with people. That was tough sometimes. People you kind of wish you could invite but decide you can't are a constant source of guilt in the wedding planning process. Deal with it. (and anyone who doesn't have an invitation who asks when the wedding is and what they should wear? So totally not OK)

The last thing I want to say about the guests is the most important.
One thing I know a lot of couples planning wedding do (wrong) is decide not to allow kids at their weddings. This option hadn't really occurred to me at all until I started reading forums of women complaining about the headaches they were going through to make this happen. It is my strong recommendation that no one do this, unless you are having a very very small wedding and just want to keep it more intimate. Disallowing kids complicates things and makes people mad, which increases your stress level. You have to start dealing with technicalities. What age to you cut off at? Are certain close family members excluded? So and so can't come unless they bring their kid... Every one of these conversations will make people stressed and angry, and you do not need that when you are trying to plan a happy celebration.

More importantly, to us, was this simple fact: marriage is about family. Family frequently involves kids. Marriage is not about a beautiful wedding with no distractions or messes or noise. Family is noisy and messy, and our wedding would be too.


As it turned out, having the kids around was fantastic, and one of the things I heard the most was how much fun everyone had with the kids running around. During the ceremony, Emiko was escaping repeatedly from her mom, running through my field of vision behind Paul. Watching her kept me very happy while I tried not to think about how annoying it was that the microphone stopped working. During the wine and beer hour in the courtyard, several little girls in Paul's extended family attacked me with lots of sweet questions and affections while other kids found a watering can and started watering all the plants they could find. And during the reception, since the space was fenced in and fairly flat and clean, the kids got free reign with space and toys to go nuts. Best moment? One little girl tore her dress off and streaked around with her mom chasing her frantically, and Quinn apparently got a black eye which fazed him not in the least. I'm not really very good with kids, but I did enjoy having them around and seeing them have so much fun (and feeding them cupcakes!)

In short, I'm very glad that our choice of venue left us the flexibility to invite as many people as we wanted, and that we were so lucky to have all those people come.

It's just a word, after all

(I started writing this, after a lot of time thinking about it, on September 9th. Now it is way in the past, sort of)


Among the frivolous decisions about flowers, and cakes, and processional music and chocolate fountains, there are a few mines hidden in the wedding process. One thing I'm stuck on is names.

There are a lot of decisions that really ought to be personal ones, but that once made, people will jump to all kinds of conclusions about. In the wedding process, this one is probably the worst. If you change your name, it must be because you've given in to the patriarchy, that you've given up your identity, and not done any independent thought. You can't really be a feminist, surely, if you throw away your name and adopt your husband's.

And if you decide to keep your own name? You're being difficult, confusing, and not a team player. What name do your kids get? I've heard of them getting the father's name (why?) and I've heard the most bizarre one where the girls get the mom's name and the boys get the dad's name. All these names seem really silly and confusing. What is the point of a last name, if not to indicate which group you are with? And if you each have a different name, why not drop it altogether?


You could hyphenate, and saddle yourself and your children with an ever-growing list of names.
You could both change your names, to a hybrid, or some other name you like
Your husband could change his name to yours.

There are plenty of good reasons to change, and plenty of good reasons to keep my name. Unfortunately, I don't have very strong feelings either way. Paul knows he wants to keep his name unchanged. He feels strongly about this, and he doesn't care what I do with my name.

If I had an extraordinarily cool name to start with, I'd probably want to keep it. But my name is pretty generic. I like it because I share my dad's initials, as well as his dad's, so I've determined that by default I'll inherit all of his tools and anything else he's initialed. (ha!) Another, very strong, reason I lean toward keeping my name is that it is very hard for people to find you if you change your name. It's unfortunate how difficult it is to track down old friends and colleagues, and worse when you try to track family history. What about all the long lost friends who've found me on LinkedIn and such? What about all of my business contacts? It seems unfair that only women are really saddled with this problem.

I could move my maiden name to my middle name and take Paul's name for my last name. But I am a lover of our silly little traditions and conventions, and everyone in my family shares the same middle initial. And my middle name necessarily comes with my first name in the myth of my creation (something about my parents deciding they wanted a girl with my first and middle name)

And, on a level I hadn't thought would bug me, there's this question I see voiced in wedding-planning forums, something about, "my last name is my family, my identity. I don't want to erase my identity when I get married." This seems a little silly, since your name isn't your identity. Except, even knowing this, a part of me is sad to leave that name and unit behind. Can I still visit the Compound as a part of it, or just a visitor? For me, personally, I carry the family name of my dad's family, which, frankly, we have not been as close to as with my mother's. My dad's dad was a very good man, a loving man, and one I regret not making more time for. I carry my mother's family traits with me most visibly, what I have of my dad's family is more subtle, except the name.

oy. Just a part of growing up and moving out, I suppose.



Anyway, I came to a fairly certain conclusion that I would change my name (the desire to create a family unit, a TEAM name is the deciding factor, I think), but then couldn't force myself to print it on my placecard in preparation for the wedding reception. This doesn't bode well. Then since I had to book a flight for November, I decided I couldn't change it until after dealing with the nice smart TSA agents.

In the end, well, it isn't at the end yet. I think I'll be changing my name, but, not yet, and not without serious doubts on both sides.

ketchup

During the wedding planning process, I had a bunch of thoughts I wanted to record, as documents, and advice, as memories... and I didn't get to it, because of time constraints, or because of not wanting to over-saturate my life with wedding stuff, or for want to leave my options and surprises open. Now that it's behind me, I want to catch up with a few things I started thinking, and in some cases started writing, during the wedding planing, through now.

I've been way behind on blogging for a long time now, either because I am too busy or because I no longer have the energy or drive to publish everything. I'm going to do some catch up in the next week or so, so be forewarned! I have a few long-winded journals from Italy and a whole lot of pictures from that and other things. Onward, and in no particular order or organization!

ZOMG!!!!!!!!

I got the last three bgs from Target just now.
CIRCUS ANIMALS!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sniff sniff.

Something I actually like about Mountain View

We saw a lot of neat birds when we were in Italy, but it was so comforting to see the crows when I got back to Mountain View. I love to watch them as they play and chat. Crows are among my favorite birds, and we did not have them in my old neighborhood in San Francisco.

Yesterday morning I got out of bed around 6 after not sleeping much, earlier than the birds so I heard their voices start in the morning. Our birds.

This morning I got up around 5 after being awake since around 2:30. Paul can't sleep either, so we have the rare opportunity to spend our morning together before work, eating breakfast, drinking coffee, huddling under blankets, talking about plans, and poring over our new cookbooks. It is delightful. I've never been jetlagged before, but I am kind of enjoying it.

HOME!

We made it!
Home!
Got in around 7:45 pm and headed straight to Kapps to finally have some decent pizza. It's been a long two weeks, lots of pictures, more later.

Debates!

Sarah Palin on the bailout, such as, you know, The Africa, and Maps, and Health Care, and Reform, such as...

why not cut to the chase and just elect her:

How I know I am getting old

Yesterday I noticed that Irvine Welsh, author of Trainspotting and The Marabou Stork Nightmares, would be at my office talking today at 1pm. I thought that would *so cool* except when I looked today to see the details, I noticed Joseph Stiglitz, Nobel Prize winning economist, would be talking at 12.

I chose Stiglitz.

How mature.

The (I-can't-even-think) Straght Talk Express

What I hear when I watch

Voter Fraud

Think Palin is too much even for the middle america christians? Think Obama is a shoe-in because, well, duh, the other folks are too scary?

OK, so even IF the masses are convinced not to vote against their own interests. Even IF the masses want Obama over MCain... what if it doesn't matter?

I linked this in my "What I'm Reading," but I think it's important enough to draw attention to. Voter fraud is starting, it is in full swing, and what is being done?

If we want this change to happen, we need to keep an eye on the process itself, and see to it that the election is not lost to vote fraud and scare tactics.